Today is a roller coaster of emotions.  It's official, I am not pregnant.  I woke up yesterday with a temp of 98.2 and today 97.7 which were my 10th and 11th days past ovulation (dpo) respectively.  For those not familiar with charting cycles, a healthy post-ovulatory phase is at minimum 10 days with 12-16 days being an average.  Mine was 9. Surprisingly though, I wasn't upset especially since I saw it coming with spotting continuing throughout the weekend.

On Friday I had told a friend about my symptoms and she agreed that some of them were hard to deny as pregnancy symptoms.  Then she hinted that after one month of trying she and her husband are waiting for the Dr. to confirm her pregnancy.  Of course I haven't received the official announcement but I'm pretty sure it's positive.  Like the others though, I am genuinely happy for her and her husband.  Except as the weekend wore on, I started feeling like such a dumbass sharing my symptoms to her knowing that I probably wasn't.  

Then later today as I was researching chemical pregnancy, short luteal phases and progesterone my supervisor walked in and as if in mid sentence said her daughters "morning sickness is finally kicking in".  My co-worker and I were surprised because this is the first we've heard she was pregnant with her second baby.  I wanted to scream at her at that moment.  

Since then, my heart just hasn't been in it.  I'm jealous and feeling guilty for being that way.  I'm envious of everyone who just had their baby, of all my friends and their friends who got pregnant within 2 months (there are surprisingly a lot in my life), those who got pregnant while using birth control, those who had been trying for a while and are finally successful and complete strangers who are basking in their early morning up-chucks and early evening exhaustion.  It's so not fair.  I want so badly to be a mom and I'm literally the only one I know who wants kids and hasn't had them.  
Okay enough of that.

I need a plan, so I've called my gynecologist, Dr. R, and explained to them my last cycle and requested that they perform a progesterone test.  I'm hoping that I'm able to take hormone supplements to lengthen my post-ovulatory phase going forward.  It's a good step.  And honestly, I'm at least thankful that so many things went right in my last cycle.  


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