The last couple of weeks have been exceptionally hard for me as you could tell from my posts. I had let everything, even the most miniscule triggers get to me. So much so that I found myself on more than one occasion sobbing uncontrollably and alone. It was as though the last two years of tears and emotions had just been found and I was succumbing to them all at once.

It got so bad that I truly dreaded seeing my niece and nephews on Christmas eve and Christmas day. It made me feel awful to have such feelings when I love them so much. On top of it we had already made plans to see our godson and my friends and their newborn out of town. If I spent even want to be near our families why would being around our friends kids be any different.

Christmas eve rolled around and with it a half dozen infants celebrating their first Christmases.  What I was so worried about was quickly forgotten the moment I set eyes on my niece in her santa dress.  It reminded me how much love they bring to your life especially when you need it most.

Even today as I clean up my pictures and prepare them for our 2014 family year book I came across a silly little clip my oldest nephew made in secret on my phone Christmas day. I couldn't help playing it on repeat today.


I'm sitting here trying to pass the time doing surprisingly okay when I decide to turn on the TV. Sex and the City happens to be on but not just any SATC. The one where Charlotte's in her IF mess and Miranda finds out she's pregnant and plans on having an abortion. WTF!

It's like things are lining up to intentionally set me off. I know that's not really true but it sure feels that way. It sure feels like everyone around me has a newborn or is announcing a pregnancy and we can't. It's been years since I've cried this much and I need to get a handle on things.

I'm having a hard time this holiday season.  Maybe because of the fact that two years is still looming in the back of my head.  Maybe it's because of the fact that my cousin has lapped us twice in one year.  Maybe it's because the holidays seem to be mostly centered around children or the various Christmas cards with babies on Santa's lap we've gotten over the last couple of weeks.  Whatever it is, I've found it really hard to be thankful during Thanksgiving and am finding it even more hard to actually take in that Christmas is only 3 days away without crying.  

The funny thing is my year has actually been pretty amazing for the most part.  Until I realize that what's amazing in it is what's happened for all our friends and family and not us.  Most days I'm happy and I know that things will get better.  In whatever way they will.  But today, today just reminds me that there's no guarantee of that.  

Right now I'm supposed to be booking a hotel for a last minute night away Babe and I plan on taking next week. We're going from Vegas for a weekend to surprising my friend in Fresno who just had her baby.  Who wouldn't love both of those things?  Apparently me.  Because I'm dreading what I have to get through to make it to the other side, 50+ people and 5 new babies.  And the questions, the looks, the hums and haws that we're "trying but haven't had any luck".  All I can think is thank God I can drink right now.  Who knows, maybe I'll "accidentally" book a room in Vegas for earlier than planned.

So I just finished The Handmaid's Tale and updated yesterday's post to recommend it.  The book has me hoping it's part of a series and at the same time wishing it won't.  Like I said before, I don't need neat little packages but I so want more of this one.  

When things calm down I plan on starting Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand.  It has been on my wishlist for a while and I lucked out when we found it for $2.99 at the local Goodwill.  With that and 6 other books we added to our library from the Goodwill I can officially say we've run out of room on our bookshelves.  There are a couple quadrants that we'd used for decoration and storage that I'll need to dig into the next time we go shopping.  And although I love the idea of donating my books to good homes too, I can't bare to lose them either.  Maybe if we ever need to downsize. 

I genuinely can't believe it.  Today is mine and E's anniversary!  5 years ago today we stood on the shore in Punta Cana and promised to only annoy each other for as long as we both shall live, twice. In all seriousness though, I couldn't and wouldn't want to imagine life without him.  He is the love of my life and my best friend.

On another less exciting note, at the beginning of 2014 I had just begun reading the fifth installment of the Song of Ice and Fire series, better known as Game of Thrones, when I was challenged to set a reading goal.  I love reading and often find myself unable to put many of my books down even if they're terrible.  Actually, I do have a bad habit of having to finish a book despite it's content.  The only book I've ever left unfinished is IT by Steven King.

Well back in January I figured a conservative goal would be one book a month.  I had hoped to finish it at least by December but when I met my goal around June/July, I knew I would be proud of my number for the year.

Anyway, I'm currently into my next read which is called The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood.  It's a fascinating take on what I can only describe as an alternate world in which women are prized coveted objects for the sole purpose of repopulating the earth.  It's just getting started and I'm so excited to read more of the main character's story both past and future.

Since it's only October 10th, I think it's safe to include The Handmaids Tale in the count.  Who knows, I may even get one more in before the 31st.  So with 2014 quickly coming to a close, I can safely say that I will have completed 20 books by the end of the year. I'll post the list with asterisks for recommendations in case anyone is a reading fanatic like myself.  And I am always looking for the next good book or author to get my hands on.  So if you're reading this and you have any suggestions for next year, I would love to hear them.  

A Dance with Dragons (A Song of Ice and Fire)*   
George R. R. Martin
The Funny Thing Is
Ellen DeGeneres
Love The One You’re With
Emily Giffin
This is Where I Leave You (re-read)*
Jonathan Tropper
Miss  Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children
Ransom Riggs
Dark Places
Gillian Flynn
Playing Dead
Julia Heaberlin
Jeffrey Eugenides
The Glass Castle*
Jeanette Walls
The Road
Cormac McCarthy
The Maze Runner*
James Dashner
House of Leaves
Mark Z. Danielewski
Gone Girl*
Gillian Flynn
And The Mountains Echoed
Khaled Hosseini
The Kitchen House*
Kathleen Grissom
In Cold Blood
Truman Capote
The Thirteenth Tale
Diane Setterfield
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time
Mark Haddon
And Then There Were None
Agatha Christie
The Handmaid’s Tale*
Margaret Atwood

Edited 12/12/14 to add asterisk to The Handmaid's Tale for recommendation.
This week was supposed to be fabulous, filled with dates, doctors appointments and family.  But ever since Thursday I've felt lost.  Before I upped my meds to 1000mg I hadn't noticed any symptoms.  At least that's what I'm attributing it to.  So now I'm starting to get hot flashes and lose my concentration.  It's one reason why I haven't been on the board or blogged in the last couple of days.  Yesterday at work I read the same paragraph at least 15 times and still couldn't grasp it.

To top it off, I'm not really sure what our diagnosis is because the doctor still has not read all of our medical records. Poor Babe did his SA over a year ago and 4 doctors later we still haven't gotten it read.  He's definitely going to have to take it again which thankfully he's not too worried about.  We were also told that it looks like a small blockage is at the end of my left Fallopian tube but he doesn't think it needs to be addressed.  In fact, during my last conversation with the Dr. he indicated he wanted to proceed with Letrozole and an IUI.  Is it just me or does a blockage with low morphology and motility make you think an IUI would be a bad decision.  I feel like E should be seeing a urologist and I should get a second look at my tubes.  Anyway...

Saturday I took Babe to see Jim Gaffigan for an anniversary gift.  He was completely surprised and seemed to have a lot of fun.  The whole night I was battling a pretty intense migraine that in different circumstances would have left me locked in my dark bedroom with pills and water.  I kept hoping he was still having a good time despite my issues. Since our anniversary isn't until tomorrow it was nice to get a small celebration in.  Although I wish we'd done something bigger for our 5th anniversary, we still plan on having dinner at one of our favorite restaurants and then off to a hockey game.  It'll be a pretty subdued year for us as you can see.

Of everything that's going on, including planning a Christmas party, our Christmas shopping is the most complete. We're now down to one company gift and one dirty Santa gift left.  Although our house is a complete disaster and I haven't found a place to put everything this year.  I mean, we barely got the outside decorated this weekend.  Now all we have left is cleaning, decorating, wrapping, cooking, planning, babysitting, beer tasting, jury duty and lots and lots of drinking.

Like I said, I'm having a hard time concentrating
Babe and I are having a hard time getting into this whole RE thing because we've definitely started off on the wrong foot.  What's happened since the 3rd I'm hoping is a complete fluke otherwise we're going to have to keep looking.  

We originally made the appointment right after attending the seminar.  This was mid October.  On the 17th, I was asked to email all of our past testing results to them to have on file.  Babe scanned and emailed everything that we thought might be needed.  My ultrasounds, the HSG report, his SA, pap smears, Fertility Friend charts, bloodwork - everything.  The office confirmed receipt and said they would be available at our appointment.  

Fast forward to Wednesday and the nurse checking us in explained the usual procedure of following up the next day to inform us of the Dr's treatment plan and next steps.  She probably told us a half dozen times that she would call us on Thursday.  I should have inquired about the records then before starting.  Regardless, midway through our consult it was clear the doctor had none of it in his possession.  We were the last appointment of the day and the nurse would be leaving early so we had no choice but to get them to her the next day.  This was already disappointing to me but I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt.  I mean, we really liked the doctor and I have a good enough memory to give him most of the info he needed.

Thursday morning the nurse again confirmed the records via email and said the doctor would review them ASAP. Thursday came and went and no return phone call.  Again, I tried to excuse this as they needed time to review everything properly anyways and I'd rather they had everything to work off of.  Thursday after work I ran to the lab as my RE suggested and asked for my HSG images so he didn't have to base his decisions solely on a report.  We decided that since they hadn't called back anyway we would take advantage of the time to submit the images when the office opened at 7:30 so they had ample time to review them.  

This morning Babe asked for a ride since I would be going that way before and after work anyway, so we headed out to be there when they opened.  After waiting a half hour and contacting their answering service, who confirmed they open at 7:30, I crossed my fingers and slid the disk under their shared door and left a message for them to call me.  

Later that morning I received a call that the doctor finally had all of my information.  After only 1 appointment and so many little mishaps, I needed to explain to them my concerns working with them. The woman I spoke to was very apologetic and conservatively guessed that I wouldn't hear back until sometime next week.  She said based on what she read, the doctor will more than likely order a repeat SA for Babe and a Sonohysterography or repeat HSG for myself before moving on to a Letrozole inseminated cycle as the doctor had suggested.  

At this point, it's difficult to say I'm excited because I need to be able to rely on my medical providers.  I'm starting to feel as though my expectations are too high since I'm always running into similar problems with PCP's and OB/Gyn's as well.  The only thing we can do now is wait and see how things are handled going forward.  We may not make this doctor's office our home but we'll at least give them another chance.  

Today is a pretty important day for us.  In just a couple of hours I'll be leaving to our very first RE appointment.  There's not much to say on that front other than as expected I'm anxious to see what he has to say.  

In the meantime, I'm trying to pass the time by reading.  My newest book is called "And Then There Were None" by Agatha Christie.  The book has me wondering which came first, the game of Clue or this.  It was written in the first half of the 20th century and has a classic who-done-it story line.  Maybe even one of the originals.  As I read I find myself referencing back quite a bit which means I have 3 different bookmarks going on.  

I tend to read books from current authors even if they're set during an earlier era.  However I've found that I've opened myself up to new ideas and writing styles by reading this last group of books. Although I've enjoyed them for the most part, it's hard to visualize the perspective prior to cars, advanced medicine and even television. It's been interesting though.  

I was going to write a post about how frustrating it is when I have an anovulatory cycle.  They don't happen often, about once a year.  They're one less chance of conceiving in a given year and make me anxious for the next cycle to start already.  Instead, I received a text from my mom today.  It's actually the second in a week that I've gotten like this. My cousin who has four kids already, the youngest being 6 months, is pregnant.  Again.

I try really hard to disassociate our struggles with other peoples pregnancies and babies.  Over the last two years I think I've done a damn good job considering.  This time, it's difficult not to fee judgy and angry.  I'm sitting here with tears welling up for something I know I shouldn't blame her for.  She can't control my reproductive system and isn't getting pregnant to flaunt her fertility.  It's just so hard seeing someone constantly draw the long straw when you only ever get the short one.  

To top it off, I'm angry with my mom.  I excused her first text telling me her husband's son was pregnant with their fourth child.  Especially because she text it among Thanksgiving plans and menus as if I wouldn't notice it slipped in.  I know both times she didn't mean bad, but I can't keep getting these sorts of announcements in texts at random times and places.  I hadn't even heard from her since Thursday and this morning on my phone is something saying to keep her pregnancy a secret.  

Too bad there's no "cousin's pregnant while you're still infertile" leave here at work.

Happy first day of December!  I'm pretty sure it's like new years in my mind.  This week has so many exciting things in store for it I can't even wait.  This last week was pretty kick ass too.  I finished my book just in time to prep for the weekend and of course there was Thanksgiving.  

My family came over for the occasion and literally cooked everything for us.  It was amazing.  My sister and her brood stayed the night to make it easier and left the next day leaving her two little ones behind.  Since Babe had to work on Friday the plan was to hang out with the nephews until that evening.  Surprisingly he got off early so we were able to get lunch and do a little black Friday toy shopping with them.  Then in the evening we went to the Mission Inn in Riverside for the festival of lights.  The boys loved it and we had such a blast with them.

Now I'm back at work trying to plan the coming weeks as best as I can.  Tonight we'll be attending the swearing in ceremony at my brother-in-law's law school.  Wednesday we have our much anticipated RE consultation.  It's been a long time in the making and it's finally (almost) here.  Then on Saturday I'll be taking Babe out for an anniversary gift.  I have tickets to something I really think he'll enjoy but because he may read this, I won't say what just yet.  Hopefully he likes it as much as I think he will.

Anyway, I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving as well.  Now bring on Christmas.