My anxiety is a real thing. It's sneaky in that I feel as though I'm rid of it when I'm not paying attention. It comes at me in the most random times. Mostly when I'm going to bed but then there are times like when I'm packing the diaper bag to send L off to grandma's house or when I'm scrolling through the news. It's ugly and awful and oh so terrifying at times.
The amazing thing that going through infertility has taught me is that I can speak out loud what usually is kept quiet. I can tell people about my fucked up reproductive system and my wonky anxiety filled brain. As uncomfortable as it makes people feel to hear about all of that, it makes me even crazier to keep all these little secrets as if they should never be uttered.
So when I began to open up about my anxiety I was overcome, once again, with a surprising number of friends and family who experience it as well. And with them came a support system. An understanding of what you actually feel like when your mind wanders from "Should I pack the stroller or the car seat? I'll pack the car seat. But what if my mom forgets to buckle her in because she's distracted by her adorable dimples. And then they get into an accident. And L flies through the windshield and this will be the last time I ever see her or kiss her." Yup, they understand it. And they have solutions or exercises. Things that help remind me that L is happy, healthy and above all safe. That my mom may be distracted but she loves L so much that she'd never let anything happen to her. But most importantly, that no matter how much I worry, it will never stop bad things from happening.
It's going to be a long road this anxiety thing. But I know I have another amazing support system to turn towards when things are rough.