I'm on the other side today and yet nothing feels different.  It all started Tuesday when I had my second ultrasound to see how I'd responded to the Letrozole.  Apparently pretty well.  I had two follicles growing nicely, the one on my right side was 19 mm and the one on my left was 17.5 mm.  Also my uterine lining was thickening on target and by CD 13 it was 9 mm.  So my doctor's office administered my trigger shot and sent me on my way with instructions to come back the next two days.  

Day one I was a ball of nerves.  Even though my appointment wasn't until 10:30 I woke up to take my temp at the usual time of 6:30 and wasn't even close to going back to sleep.  I spent the rest of the morning puttering around the house getting ready for our realtor and trying to distract myself.  We left the house at 8:45 to drop off Babe's sample and decided to go to breakfast while we waited for my appointment.  It started off as usual, with an ultrasound to see how everything was progressing followed by some pressure while the speculum and catheter were being positioned. A few short minutes later and the procedure was over.  Babe and I stayed in the room for about 10 more minutes joking and laughing until we were finally released.  E had to go to work in the afternoon so I spent much of the day lounging around and napping on and off.  It was awesome.  And other than cramping before bed, it was pretty much a breeze.

Day two was pretty much a repeat but I felt less anxious.  This time when I arrived no ultrasound was needed.  Instead it was just a couple of minutes and way less uncomfortable.  After the 10 minutes we were asked to speak to the nurse who gave us instructions for my Progesterone tablets and the go-ahead to test on the 11th.  We left the office feeling happy and hopeful.  Since it was so much later and neither of us were expected back at work, we decided to take in a matinee before dinner.  

Overall I feel good about the IUI's and am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.  After all, the 11th isn't too far away is it?

We must be gluten's for punishment.  I mean who else would bitch and moan about having to refinance their house and then turn around and consider selling it?  Apparently us.  Well we had hoped that with the little bit of cash we took out, we'd be able to put it into a bathroom remodel as well as a couple other minor projects around the house.  We were very mistaken on how much money we would expect to spend.  The projects are essentially doubling in cost with less of an outcome than we were hoping for.  In turn we're in a home that I'm not particularly in love with in a location that isn't ideal and for the most part Babe is in agreement.  So on top of the three vacations we have planned this year, the fertility treatments we are undergoing and life in general, we now plan on going on the market for a new home.  Exciting and frightening all at the same time.  

With Babe's knee and my potential condition, moving furniture and heavy boxes probably isn't the best idea.  Plus I'm a little sad to see it go, nostalgia and all.  After all, it was our first home purchase.  I've been looking in all the rooms and I'm most terrified of moving our bed and my bookcase.  I would guess that we have about 350 books that I've avoided donating or giving away and now it's probably going to bite me in the butt.  

Speaking of books, I started a new one this week.  It received pretty fantastic reviews online and was, if I remember correctly, a recommendation to me by one of my hockey seat mates.  It's called Fingersmith by Sarah Waters.  This would be my 12th book this year minus two from the Dummy line of books that I'm in the midst of flipping through. Since I probably won't read them cover to cover I can't exactly add them to my count.  For now though, Fingersmith is proving to be very entertaining as was Goldfinch.  With only my Goodwill books and a few passed down from my mother-in-law I see a Barnes and Noble run in my near future.  At least to be sure I have something to get me through my two week wait.  

It's been so long but I'm back.  Is it me causing drama or do I really just have this bad of luck with doctors.  I start off loving them one minute and the next I'm arguing with them about one thing or another.  Over the last couple of months I had been emailing my nurse and occasionally the head nurse and financial consultant back and forth preparing for our IUI.  We'd stumbled a bit with them over some lab work but thought we had it all taken care of.  We even suggested that due to all the issues we have been encountering that maybe E and I should have a meeting with them before CD1.  My nurse said that everything was taken care of and so as idiots we believed her and didn't push it.  

Then on the day I started my period, by the way the most excited I've ever been to start my period, I gave them a call as they requested.  All I needed to do was set up an ultrasound appointment between days 2-4 to get a baseline of my uterine lining and my follicles.  Instead my nurse immediately starts the conversation by asking if I'd received authorization from my insurance company because it wasn't on file with them.  Apparently they had a note in my file that I needed to contact them two weeks prior to CD1 to get the ball rolling on it.  Strike 1.  Also they didn't have any time on day 2 and were closed days 3 & 4 so we'd need to make the appointment day 1 even though they stressed the importance of days 2-4.  Strike 1.1.  I was transferred to the head nurse after arguing with her about it.  Head nurse proceeds to tell me that because I haven't submitted for an authorization and because their office is currently under construction (Strike 2) they'd prefer to put me on birth control (BCP) so I go into a holding pattern.  For those unfamiliar with the process, BCP will basically put my body back on day one as soon as I get off of them.  That way we don't have to wait a full cycle, we could essentially restart my period in a week or two if necessary.  But since my body took years to readjust after getting off the pill, I didn't want to start them up again.  I was basically hitting a brick wall with my RE's office.  Eventually I was transferred to my actual RE who reiterated what the others were saying and after talking over me a few times finally listened to the fact that it wasn't me who dropped the ball.  We'd hung up with the promise of a call to come.

I then proceeded to call Babe in tears.  Neither of us could remember any emails aside from the handful from me begging please tell me if "there anything else that needs to be done before CD1".  Babe was furious and it took quite a bit of coaxing on my part for him not to call the RE himself.  Instead while I waited I did some research of my own.  I called my insurance and medical group and confirmed that I could not have possibly put in a request for authorization on my own as they had suggested.  I also found out that in that time, 20 minutes, my RE's office had put it in themselves for the very first time.  Then the call came.  The head nurse was calling to ask if I'd made a decision on the BCP's.  Thankfully I'd had some time to process everything and cool off.  Even though I was angry still, no longer was I emotional.  I asked her if she was aware I had been in contact with my nurse since March.  She responded that yes she was aware I had contacted them about my botched bloodwork.  No, not just the blood work.  I had literally been asking time after time if there was anything else that needed to be done before we started.  I explained that if anyone in their organization knew how disorganized their office had been with my case they would be embarrassed.  I also explained because of that I felt that they should take responsibility.  She believed that putting me on BCP was taking responsibility.  I disagreed.  Instead I asked that while the authorization was outstanding, they needed to proceed with the cycle and foot the bill until insurance came back one way or the other.  She hesitated and said it wasn't her call to which I requested to speak to the person who could make the call.  Our conversation finally ended after I was able to get an appointment for day 2 and with an agreement that my appointments would be taken care of until insurance responded.  Score me!

At this point we've already dedicated 7 months to their organization and have a plan in place.  I was too determined to let more time and money waste away while they got their act together.  If this cycle fails though, Babe and I will probably have to have a come to Jesus conversation about choosing a new RE for future cycles.  My hope is that we've seen the last of their incompetence.  Even more than that, I hope we don't have to proceed with any future cycles at all. 

We're pretty open out our IF struggles at this point, a far cry from just a year ago.  So last night when E turned down an offer for a drink from my brother-in-law it got the conversation going on our upcoming IUI.  For me it's been a bitter sweet topic of conversation.  I love the fact that people are willing to ask us educated questions and genuinely try to understand IF as a whole.  On the other hand, I'm completely terrified that people will be on the other side of our IUI waiting to hear the results.  What I have started saying is that if it's positive, we'll definitely let you know.  If it's not, we may need space to grieve and please just understand if we don't come out and tell you.

So this morning DH and I got to talking about it again and he explained why he doesn't mind telling people we're not successful.  As someone who's dealt with IF for a while now, you're so used to hearing the success stories because that's what most people share.  But if we're trying, let them see that.  Then the next time someone shares their IF with them they may understand.  Now let's take it a step further.  What happens if we're not successful after thousands of dollars and years of treatments?  Would that make them think twice before sharing the story of that friend who miraculously got knocked up as they were prepping for adoption, etc.  Maybe, who knows.  The point is, not every IF story has a happy ending and if we're going to open up that dialogue we might as well make it honest.  

There are times when I feel like DH and I are so different in our IF thinking.  But most of the time I'm happy and proud we are.  We learn so much from and have so much more to offer each other.