I don't have much to say today other than I finally turned my charts into digital versions using Ovagraph Fertility Friend. That way I can at least refer to them wherever I'm at.  The basal body temperatures have been added to the tab above titled "Charts", obviously.  The rest is unimportant to the internet so I'll keep that private.

Yesterday I officially started my period and it's back with a vengeance.  I'm now almost positive the last cycle resulted in a chemical pregnancy.  The doctor still hasn't called me back from Monday so I'll probably follow up again today. That's not too soon right?

This morning I got the great news that my friend B is definitely pregnant with her first baby.  Words cannot express how relieved I am that they're both healthy.  She and her husband are going to make great parents.  This means though I'm going to be making a trip to her baby shower up North this year.  Bummer J.

Today is a better day.  I'm still really hopeful that although this cycle is a bust, it's showed Babe and I what is going wrong and what is going right.  Thankfully, the list of things going right is slowly getting longer.  Here are some positives I have to remind myself of.  

Yesterday after my break down I started asking my friend B about her pregnancy.  She told me she was worried because she wont be going in to see the doctor to confirm until tomorrow and her morning sickness is going away. In my emotional state yesterday I sat on my computer 280 miles away and cried for her.  As much as I would love to be in the same boat as every one of my pregnant or mommy friends, I would never wish any of them to be in the same boat as me.  All I could do was offer to pray for her while she awaits her first doctors appointment.

Instead of going down the dramatic path that was yesterday, I'm going to keep looking for the good in this and in every situation.  I wish hope to anyone else reading this and going through a difficult time themselves.  It's not over until it's over.

Today is a roller coaster of emotions.  It's official, I am not pregnant.  I woke up yesterday with a temp of 98.2 and today 97.7 which were my 10th and 11th days past ovulation (dpo) respectively.  For those not familiar with charting cycles, a healthy post-ovulatory phase is at minimum 10 days with 12-16 days being an average.  Mine was 9. Surprisingly though, I wasn't upset especially since I saw it coming with spotting continuing throughout the weekend.

On Friday I had told a friend about my symptoms and she agreed that some of them were hard to deny as pregnancy symptoms.  Then she hinted that after one month of trying she and her husband are waiting for the Dr. to confirm her pregnancy.  Of course I haven't received the official announcement but I'm pretty sure it's positive.  Like the others though, I am genuinely happy for her and her husband.  Except as the weekend wore on, I started feeling like such a dumbass sharing my symptoms to her knowing that I probably wasn't.  

Then later today as I was researching chemical pregnancy, short luteal phases and progesterone my supervisor walked in and as if in mid sentence said her daughters "morning sickness is finally kicking in".  My co-worker and I were surprised because this is the first we've heard she was pregnant with her second baby.  I wanted to scream at her at that moment.  

Since then, my heart just hasn't been in it.  I'm jealous and feeling guilty for being that way.  I'm envious of everyone who just had their baby, of all my friends and their friends who got pregnant within 2 months (there are surprisingly a lot in my life), those who got pregnant while using birth control, those who had been trying for a while and are finally successful and complete strangers who are basking in their early morning up-chucks and early evening exhaustion.  It's so not fair.  I want so badly to be a mom and I'm literally the only one I know who wants kids and hasn't had them.  
Okay enough of that.

I need a plan, so I've called my gynecologist, Dr. R, and explained to them my last cycle and requested that they perform a progesterone test.  I'm hoping that I'm able to take hormone supplements to lengthen my post-ovulatory phase going forward.  It's a good step.  And honestly, I'm at least thankful that so many things went right in my last cycle.  

I need to be talked off the ledge right now and I'm only making it more difficult for my husband.  Here's my deal, on Sunday I'll have had 10 high temps as long as they stay high. My breasts have been painful and or tender throughout the week which can just be attributed to PMS symptoms.  But the next part is hard to deny.  For the past three days I've had the tiniest spots of blood while wiping.  Instead of waiting until I got home to verify what they could be in "Taking Charge of your Fertility" I scoured the internet to confirm that it could in fact be implantation bleeding.  All that and I'm finding it hard not to wait until Wednesday to test.  I literally had to write the letters BP on my hand to remind myself to be patient.  If it's negative now I'll just make excuses about it being too soon, etc.  If it's positive, it should still be positive 5 days from now.  I hope.

That has all happened in the last week only.  Then this morning I woke out of a dead sleep, not with an upset stomach but to straight vomit.  I was up for a couple hours fighting the nausea and trying not to get too excited.  So now, I need someone to slap some sense into me.  Tell me how all of those things can be attributed to PMS or my new Metformin medication.  I need to prepare myself to be disappointed when my period or only one pink line shows up.

Man this wait is killing me.

With both quilts down and a couple other pieces out the door I started to think that I'm really getting good at this.  The quilts are a little on the difficult side and I'm not quite a pro at them yet.  BUT, after a little talking Babe and I agreed that selling some of my items might be something I should do.  For now I'm going to stick to burp cloths and may eventually move into nursing covers, car seat covers and cloth diapers.  Since it's something I've never done, I'm going to test some prices by selling them at work.  I'm thinking I might price them in the $6-10 range since they're much larger than the typical ones.  In the meantime, I need to get my machine serviced and make a good pattern I can stick to.  

P.S. This was accidentally left as a draft even though i meant to publish it 4/22.  Whoops.
Today's post is a reblog from well, everywhere.  It was most recently posted on Still Standing Magazine's FB page for NIAW.  It puts things into perspective for someone dealing with IF.  Read.  Think.  Share.

"So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile? (author unknown)
  1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!
  2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!
  3. My cousin was paralyzed, but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.
  4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.
  5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.
  6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.
  7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?
  8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!
  9. But don't you *want* to walk?
  10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.
  11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.
  12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.
  13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.
  14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?
  15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.
  16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.
  17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.
  18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.
  19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.
  20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.
  21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.
  22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!
  23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!
  24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.
  25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!
  26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!
  27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.
  28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...

So here's a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she's trying to get pregnant and it's taking longer than expected, DON'T tell her to just relax. Don't tell her to adopt and then surely she'll get pregnant with her own child. Don't say, "At least it's fun trying!" Scheduling sex with the person you love isn't fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your derriere twice a day isn't fun. Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn't work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.

DO tell her that you're sorry she's going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you're glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don't bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.

And DON'T feel that because she told you that it's okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it's okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity."

I don't want to jinx it but my temps did stay high and today even went up to 98.9.  That's the highest they've ever been, ever! If they stay that high and my boobs are still sore, I might just test to find out.  Although I'm resisting the urge because I'm pretty sure I'll only see that stark 1 line that I'm so used to seeing.  

He's here!  The little monster MK was born Friday weighing 8 lbs 12 oz and 20.5 inches little.  And man does he look like his big brother.  It was so amazing to be there with and for my sister and her family.  There was so much love in that recovery room.  Both baby and mom are doing well and are home resting or at least trying to.  I wish I could share pictures of him but I can't.  Since the c-section was planned I woke up at 4:00 Friday morning and made the hour drive down to LA.  On the way I got a bit emotional but was immediately overcome with guilt.  Friday was their day.  Friday was a celebration of life, family and love.  There was no time or place for tears.

While everyone was in the hospital recovering, Babe and I took our older nephew to stay with us for the weekend.  I'm thankful to my brother-in-law and sister for how well they've brought him up because every time he stays over, he's so well behaved.  This weekend was no different.  Unfortunately he makes me wonder sometimes if I'm really ready for my own.  Usually I drop him off with his parents and realize how completely exhausted I really am.  We have to remind ourselves that nephews and nieces are for spoiling.  When it comes to our kids, that can be left to our siblings.  Haha.

On an IF note, my temps have continued to rise.  I'm usually on the higher side of the scale between high 97's and low 98's.  My pre-ovulatory dip was 97.6 and it's gone up to 98.4 in the last two days.  I don't think I'm pregnant, or so I keep telling myself.  It's easier to be happy later than disappointed.  But in all seriousness, I don't feel any different. In fact my temps were off today and I may have manipulated them but I won't know until tomorrow.  Some nights it gets so hot in our room that Babe sleeps on the other end with a fan.  Last night we decided to cuddle near the fan even though I was freezing.  When I woke up my temp was 98.0.  I flipped to the other side, got comfy and waited about 10 minutes to take it again.  That's when it went back to 98.4.  I genuinely believe the fan caused the drop.  We'll see.

Also today is officially the second day of National Infertility Awareness Week and although I decided not to "come out" on FB, I did do a couple of other things.  This morning I changed my FB photo to include a twibbon AND I made my infertility board public on Pinterest.  I know those seem minor but they're huge for me.  I feel like I've let people I know take a peek into my very private struggle.  If you knew me you'd know that's completely against everything I am.  My hope is that it helps people understand this is a very real struggle.  My Pinterest board in particular has a lot of references for IF awareness, topical guides, and blog links.  In fact one of my pins is linked to this blog which is even more scary.  It's a step though.

I'm so excited today for many reasons.  Today is my Friday and I only have 2 1/2 hours left to go.  Thanks sis for scheduling your c-section on a Friday!  On that note, I'm also excited because we get to meet my newest nephew tomorrow morning.  Lots of prayers are being said today for my sister, the doctors and everyone else involved.  And just in time, I finished his little quilt.  

I'm not usually one to toot my own horn but I must say, this is by far my best work yet.  I love everything about this one. The colors are just perfect, the size is just right and the backing was such a cute find.  I can't wait to give it to them.  

Tomorrow morning I plan on waking up at 4:00 to take the hour and a half drive to Kaiser where my sister is delivering.  She's supposed to check in at 6:00 at which time my mom and I will be in charge of my older nephew the monkey.  The surgery is scheduled at 7:30 and should take ninety minutes as long as everything goes well.  If anyone is reading this, please keep my family in your prayers.  

Not to undercut the exhaustion my sister and brother-in-law will be feeling, but with such a tiring weekend ahead of me I really hope I can get to bed early tonight.  I still have some straightening up to do around the house also known as walking the house at a 5 year old's height to see if any Easter candy is lying around. It never fails, we always catch him already awake and eating from a box of Unco's stash.  Then lucky me, I had 3 dashboard lights come on while I was driving to work.  Which means I either have to trade cars with Babe for the day or get it handeled tonight after dinner.  I'm already tired thinking about it.  

National Infertility Awareness Week, also known as NIAW, is a movement to bring infertility out of the shadows and open up a dialogue.  This year the movement begins on Easter Sunday, April 20.  As it's slowly approached I've considered if and what I should say on my Facebook page.  Talking about infertility is taboo even in 2014 which is silly considering people can talk about their damn kids and dogs all day long.  So it's really important to me to stand with my other IF sisters and put it out there.

After much thought on the subject, I have reluctantly decided against posting anything personal about the subject and here's why.  First, we're not "out" to all our friends and family yet.  I would feel more comfortable and I'm sure our parents would be more appreciative if they didn't find out with everyone else on FB.  Also, since my sister is scheduled to have her baby this week, I would feel awful if A) she felt as though I stole her thunder in any way and B) it made her feel guilty.  Lastly, I'm officially in my two week wait to see if this was the magic cycle.  If it was, I will have posted a week before I expect to start my period.  I want to see if this one works before I start telling more people.

I'm sure these sound like excuses and exactly why the movement exists in the first place.  Honestly, I don't care that much.  All I know is that I'm not entirely ready.  Really what does it matter that I don't come out next week?  In a few days, weeks, months I may feel differently and it will still have the same effect then as it would now.

Want to join the movement?
I never thought I would be planning my schedule around sex.  Where's the fun in that?  Well my life has come to just that.  As soon as those two little pink lines showed up on Sunday's test, Babe set out a whole plan on how he was going to knock me up within the next 24-36 hours as directed.  Granted I'm probably never going to turn down sex, but I think our expectations were much too high.  No matter how much energy we had for sex, we are still limited on the amount of time it takes for Babe to regenerate sperm.  Of course having sex for work rather than play doesn't make anyone too happy.  If this month isn't it for us, I think we're going to have to talk about being a little more reasonable.

My plan this cycle was to start testing with ovulation predictor kits (OPK) beginning Thursday, April 10th.  Of course when my cervical fluid started to show signs of fertility on Tuesday, the cheap ass in me decided to start a day early with a dollar store test promising myself I would start my very first pack of First Response OPK's the next day.  In the past I've only ever used the dollar store tests since, well, a year and a half of those seems like a cheaper solution than a 7 day $7 pack.  Yeah, just figured that one out.  Anyway, the dollar tree test came back with only one line which is negative according to their very minimal directions.

The next day I opened up my shiny new OPK to pee on.  A few short minutes later my reference line was sharing the space with a lighter test line.  Since I figured I was a pro at it already I didn't bother reading the instructions until after the test was complete.  According to FR, to be positive your test line must be equal to or darker than your reference line.  Mind blown!  All these months of testing and here I am thinking I've had successful ovulation months when all along, none of my tests have come back positive.  Mind you I didn't test every month.  Wow!  I started to worry right away.  Maybe I never have ovulated on my own.  What if I don't this month and I've passed up on Clomid AND I just had my HSG.  My heart sunk a little at the thought that I should have known.

Friday I pulled out another one and sure enough the test was negative.  My mind continued to race.  Saturday after my test came back negative I started to get a sinking filling that it was going to be another 9 months before we could be on the road to fertility specialists.  Until then I would just have to keep taking my Metformin and charting my temps. Sunday morning I wasn't exactly feeling up for the answer but took a test anyway.  For a few minutes I actually forgot about it on the bathroom counter.  When I came back I could see two bright pink lines clear as day.  I'm fertile!!!  I cheered, danced and hugged my husband as hard as I could.  And this wasn't even a positive pregnancy test.  Babe kept looking at me like I was crazy, a look I get often, and then decided to join in on the celebration.

So guess what, my body isn't as fucked up as I thought it was.  Every once in a while, when I need it the most, it surprises me and does exactly what God designed it to do.  J

Last night I got a text from my sister that the early signs of labor were upon her.  Baby # 2 is due in exactly two weeks, but because her first was a cesarean she's scheduled for a c-section on the 18th instead.  She and the doctors decided that she could try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) if he came earlier but that she couldn't be in labor for too long for both their sake.

Babe and I are excited for a couple of reasons.  One is that once the baby is born, our older nephew gets to come home with us until my sister is home from the hospital.  So I've taken next Friday the 18th off and Babe the 21st and 22nd in case it goes that long.  We got lucky that they planned it for a Friday and we could take him over the weekend. He's already made special requests for when he's staying with us that I don't mind fulfilling.  J

Last night Babe and I went for a walk around the neighborhood.  We've had such strange weather jumping from mid 40's to 90's in a matter of days.  But last night it was a nice 70° which was perfect strolling weather.  Since my blog has given me a lot to think about lately, I thought I'd pick his brain.  

He told me that although he'd like to have a baby, he doesn't feel rushed right now.  That if anyone ever felt that way it wouldn't be good for them.  He agreed that it feels like we're not doing something right if everyone around us was pregnant.  He pointed out people who were on BC when they conceived, someone who is having his baby mama's 4th kid and is on welfare, the guy who got his f-buddy pregnant without even trying and a couple people who conceived after only one month of trying.  He said he was happy with his life right now and that he's enjoying things that he knows his brother can't right now.  

I'm glad he's so secure right now.  It takes the pressure off knowing that he's in no rush.  It also makes me feel as though I'm doing something right by not weighing him down with some of my insecurities.  He asked how I felt and I said that although I agree with him that needing a baby probably doesn't put you in a good place, I can see that happening to me if we continue down this path.  Most days I'm fine and nothing really bothers me.  Then there are days that get so dark but I try not to dwell on them.  I shared with him that I feel the need to talk to people about it but that most people have backed off because of their comfort level but that I'm finding ways like blogging, etc.  He tends to think that a true friend would probably be asking how things are going constantly.  Although I would like to think that, I wouldn't discount any of my friends as not being true friends.  Having gone through this I would hope that I'd be that person to ask and reach out.  But not everyone is the same.  People get busy with their lives and I'm sure my IF is the last thing on their mind.  Plus people generally don't know how to bring the subject up.  Apparently though he feels I need to put myself out there more, especially with my girlfriends.  I don't agree.  

Either way, I feel like it gave us a chance to talk about what each of us wants and needs during this time.  I'm truly blessed to have him as my rock.  

Recently I've come to the realization that most people either don't want to or don't know how to support couples dealing with IF.  Maybe I notice it more because IF is such a huge part of my life that I expect it to be talked about more than it is.  When it comes to people who know the list includes only those close to us.  My siblings, Babe's brother and wife, our closest friends and Babe's cousin N.  Of the 9 people we've told four are pregnant, two just had a baby and one is trying.  I mention that because I think it explains why people aren't too keen on talking about IF. About 80% of them are in baby mode in one form or another which is a far cry from where we're at.

My sister for example was the only person I told about Friday's test.  I felt at that time that less and less people are interested in knowing what's going on so I stuck to her.  Since Friday she hasn't asked me about it at all.  The other people who are pregnant, seem to have stopped asking as soon as they announced their pregnancies.  Babe's cousin N was a person who went through some of her own IF struggles and in January told us at her parents anniversary party that she was expecting.  Since then I've only received the one text exchange where she said I was still pretty young.  And I swear I didn't even say anything mean in response. Our best friends J&C only asked up until the month before they conceived baby #2.  

I'm beginning to feel a little hurt by it recently.  I at least expected my best friends and my sister to check in on me more or at all.  Maybe the problem is me.  I do think about my IF on a daily basis and maybe I'm comparing it to that too much.  I don't know.  All I know is I think I need to lay off talking about it or at least offering information up to people.  I'll just end up more hurt they don't care.

Can I just start by saying how much I love my husband.  He's seriously the most incredible man I've ever known and I love him dearly.  

As you know, I was quite nervous on Friday.  While Babe and I were headed to the office I admitted to him why I really wanted him to come with me.  He said he knew all along.  He continued to encourage me and remind me that no matter what everything was going to turn out okay.  He held my hand up until the moment they called my name and I was escorted into the exam room.  As I expected, he wasn't allowed into the room with us because of the radiology. As soon as the technician introduced herself, all my nerves about the procedure itself vanished.  She was great.

I was asked to disrobe from the waist down and wear two gowns, one to cover the front and one the back.  I then lay on a standard x-ray table (no stirrups) with one technician manning the machine and the other near my feet.  The woman at my feet explained everything as she was doing it and what feelings to expect.  From what I understand I have a tilted cervix so my experience may be a little different than someone elses.  The tech inserted a plastic speculum and proceeded to clean out my cervix 3 times with long swabs.  This felt very similar to a pap smear.  Then she inserted the catheter which caused minimal pressure.  Because of my cervix though, she had to hold the catheter in place for the duration of the test which I don't think has to be done for everyone.  She then began pushing the dye through a little at a time all while the other tech took x-rays.  Once all the dye was in, which by the way was incredibly uncomfortable but not painful, she asked me to turn slightly to my left and my right for x-rays.  Finally it was over and the tech released the dye.  She also was kind enough to ask if I wanted my husband in the room when they went over the slides.  Yes!  My preliminary results showed that both tubes were clear and although she didn't seem alarmed, it looked as though my left side (the side I feel pain and the side I tend to ovulate on) was a little slow going. I was given a large pad to wear for the car ride home or for however long the dye kept leaking.  There was also a little spotting for the next two days which I'm told is perfectly normal.  

When Saturday came around I was ready to be done with all the poking a prodding.  My ultrasound was scheduled for 2:15 and since the lab is only 4 minutes from my house I planned on going alone.  Babe on the other hand had planned all along to come with me.  As before he wasn't allowed in the exam room with me but that was okay.  I wanted the tech to be able to do whatever it is she had to do.  Before we started I explained that I had a sneaking suspicion that I have endometriosis and she actually said it may show up on the scans (further reading explained the cysts it causes will show up not the tissue itself).  So we started with a regular abdominal ultrasound.  Then after peeing out all 32 oz of fluid that was required, I was given a trans vaginal ultrasound.  The tech wasn't too talkative and only told me that I should expect to receive my results by the end of the week.  

Other than being at the doctors we had a really great double date with some friends this weekend.  Plus in preparation for the next few weekends being chaos we did a lot of needed house and yard work.

It's Friday or as I like to call it, HSG day.  Today I get off at 1:30 for my 3:00 appointment at the imaging center.  Babe's gotten the afternoon off for me as well which I'm really relieved about.  I've read that there could be mild to moderate pain associated with the test and that there are reports of women passing out. Babe's pretty busy at work this week so getting him to come to the appointment seemed difficult.  I'm not as nervous about the pain as I am about what this procedure could mean for us.  So although I explained to him the reasons why he should be there, I need him there for support.  I don't know if he would have taken the time off just for that though.  Actually typing that and I feel bad for not being completely honest with him. Hmm.

Anyway, in preparation for today I was ordered to take a pregnancy test and bring it in with me.  So I'm walking around all day with a negative pee stick in my purse.  Last night I joked with babe that "guess what, I'm not pregnant.  Bet you never would have thought".  Sometimes it's nice to have a little humor about the situation but I know I'm just hiding behind it.  I've been praying non-stop for today.  The only other person who knows about the test is my sister and even then I think I'm running out of people who care or know what to say.  Everyone who says they want to support us is either pregnant or trying to get knocked up.  The pregnant ones are in a completely different place than I am and I'm afraid of scaring the ones who are trying to get pregnant.  Then there's my husband.  Babe's going through the same thing as me but for obvious reasons either doesn't feel the same as me or isn't willing to express it.  I don't know, I'm rambling now.  

Here's hoping today goes well.

I'm a little more than irked right now but I know I'm being stupid.  Last night I received a cryptic message from the lab where I will be doing my HSG.  The message was verbally clear but not entirely logical.  Think Miss Teen USA South Carolina.  During the message I was told I would need to bring a pregnancy test with me taken the night before and not to have unprotected sex for "a time period".  Since it was such a confusing message, I called back.  I wasn't able to speak to the girl or office that originally contacted me but after some prying I was able to find out that the "time period" was from the first day of my cycle.  They also told me to try calling the office back the next day to confirm all the information.  

When I called today I found out that the time frame was indeed from the first day of my cycle through my test.  In my case that's 8 days, for others it could be up to 11 days.  I assumed like a pap, I shouldn't do anything with Babe right around the test day but not for 8 days.  Thankfully we have been too tired this week to get around to it.  Had we had sex I could have totally blown the test this cycle which would have made me even more pissed.  The reason for the restriction is if you get pregnant, the test WILL abort the baby.  How is this not the first thing you tell people when making the appointment.  Interestingly enough, when I called to make the appointment, I was very adamant about asking if I had any restrictions between day one and day eight.  Nope, nothing. 

I really know I shouldn't be as mad as I am considering nothing actually happened.  Just the thought that they could be so careless about it is a huge problem to me.  Okay, I need to calm down and be thankful this cycle isn't a bust.  

I've been looking forward to this cycle for the last 6 weeks and it's finally here.  Unfortunately for me it feels like I've put all my eggs in one basket (no pun intended).  If we don't get pregnant this cycle, I'm afraid of feeling let down.  I finally started my cycle on Thursday.  With it I started a new med regiment.  I'm taking 100mg of Metformin, 50mg baby asprin and folic acid.  My HSG is scheduled for Friday at 3:00 and an ultrasound for Saturday at 2:15.  The ultrasound isn't part of the equation but I have been feeling a lot of pain in what I'm guessing are my ovaries and this is the first step to look at them (speaking of, I'm actually having a lot of pain right now in my right side).  If it's endometriosis it won't show up on the ultrasound but the test to see that is way more invasive than I'm ready for.  Anyway, after all that, I plan on using ovulation tests then Preseed and Soft Cups to help things along.  Sorry that's probably much more information than anyone on here wants to read.  

The great thing about this combination is that my basal body temperature has been the most steady I've ever seen since charting.  Rather than being all over the place I've had a slight increase since day one and in the last 3 days it's been consistent.  No huge dips or spikes which is a first for me.  I'm hoping that the rest of the cycle stays pretty predictable and that this magic blend does the trick.  If nothing else, I hope we get one step closer to having the answers we need.  

So here's to positive thinking and a really great week/month!  

I spent my day off yesterday running around town with my very pregnant sister and my 4 year old nephew. The date was much needed because I hadn't seen her since my birthday and because the next time I do, she'll probably be in the hospital.  I want her to know I can have a relationship with her outside of being Auntie to her sons.  

While we were talking she shared with me that she'd had a pretty rough weekend while she was out. Apparently people have diarrhea of the mouth around pregnant woman and this was definitely the weekend for it.  In one day the following happened:
  1. One stranger, after having a perfectly civil conversation about my sister's impending due date, walked away and loudly asked for the second time if she was sure she wasn't pregnant with twins due to her size.  
  2. A couple of young girls ran up to her asking if she was due soon and when.  When my sister responded one said to the other "see I told you" and they abruptly walked away as if one had just won a bet.
  3. Just a few minutes later, another woman remarked that she looked like she was pretty far along to which my sister agreed and kept walking.  She then proceeded to grab her belongings and follow my sister to ask more questions while mentioning that she couldn't have kids.  My sister feeling bad considering my IF struggles, started to engage the woman in conversation.  She asked if she'd considered other options (the woman opened the door to questioning) and her response was "oh no, they just don't fit into my plan".  WHAT!!!  If you're reading this and kids do not fit into your plans, seriously consider your wording when mentioning this to people.  Even I wouldn't use that terminology unless I knew for a fact it wasn't possible.  Seriously this one just pisses me the heck off.
  4. To end the day, she passed a woman who mouthed and gestured to a friend that my sister was fat.  Not big.  Not pregnant.  FAT!  Can I please say my sister is anything but fat.  She has worked so hard and looks damn good.  Looking at her yesterday and she looks like she smuggled a watermelon out of the grocery store.  My sister caught the woman's eye and when she realized she'd been caught my sister asked "really?"  and the lady just shrugged and kept walking. 
  5. Here's the kicker, she vented about her day on her personal FB page.  An acquaintance read it and responded with the classic you should just be happy you're pregnant, I would do anything to be in your shoes right now.  This person by the way is single and by her own account just hasn't found the right person to have kids with.  This is where "it's your own experience" comes in. 

My sister is sometimes overly gracious, to a fault.  I agree that some of these are well intentioned comments that the best of us make to pregnant women trying to make conversation.  But she'd obviously had a rough afternoon and some of these were just plain bitchy.  Had I been there, I probably would have said some very mean things in return. Unlike her I don't hold my tongue very easily.  I guess it's a good thing I wasn't around because today, I got curious what other random comments are made to pregnant women.  

I admit I rolled my eyes a couple of times at what people thought was inappropriate on one message board . God forbid someone comments on how big a pregnant woman gets.  I get it, I really do.  But you and I both know that 9 times out of 10, the person saying it does not mean you look fat or any variation of that. Honestly if you did, most people probably wouldn't comment at all.  Then a handful of posters said they hated when people mentioned how much they'd "popped".  Wh--?  Ho-?  Really, is that rude?  You do realize you have a child in there right?  Wouldn't it concern you that the baby isn't growing if you hadn't "popped"?  This annoyance really has nothing to do with your general size.  One woman even complained that someone said "you don't look that far along".  So wait, you don't want anyone to mention you being large, normal OR small?  Sure you're not public property to be gawked at, but just chill for a moment.  Before you throw that person the finger, you should also be thinking about what you're about to say.  

If I get pregnant, I'm quite certain a lot of remarks like this will bug me too.  I may even blog about it then. But just like hearing IF comments, you have to try to think of the intention behind it.  Sure I get annoyed that my husbands family says "you just need to relax" but I also know it's a way to sound understanding and their comments are completely harmless.  It's a good lesson for all of us to think before we speak.