Normally I don't post daily let alone more than one in a day.  Today however there's a lot on my mind and I didn't want to crowd it into one post.  

Last night I dreamt that Babe and I adopted a baby boy from the Dominican Republic.  It was a beautiful dream because I knew that my heart belonged in the Dominican just a little bit more now.  I remember being in love with this little boy and being anxious to see him grow up.  This morning when I woke up I told E about the dream.  He asked how I felt while it was happening.  The only thing I told him was that I felt bad our little boy had less of a chance to be a professional baseball player by coming back to the states.  Silly I know.  

This morning I did a little research about DR adoptions and as part of the requirements both parents have to be 30 or older and be married for 5 or more years.  I sent the link to E.  His response, "seems like it is lining up".  

It never occurred to me to consider adoption where we got married.  I'd always considered foreign adoption to be from Russia, China, Mexico, etc.  But what better place than where my heart is.  Something new and beautiful to consider.

It's been a long week.  A somewhat emotional, extremely frustrating long week chalked full of more questions than answers.  Except, I should expect that by now.

A few weeks ago I had requested my medical records from my OB/Gyn in preparation for seeing an RE.  Something I now regret I waited so long to ask for.  I finally received them Wednesday night and decided to look over the 5 page document before bed.  What I found has literally had me in shock wondering what my next steps should be.

First off the report started with the sentence, quotes included, "I can't get pregnant".  Most people probably wouldn't think anything of that sencentence except Babe and I were both a dumbfounded at how insensitive it sounded.  Also included was information as if I'd had a pap smear and physical conducted at their office which I hadn't.  Then the report said I'd had a positive blood pregnancy test at their office, again something that I'd never done.  Surprisingly he also noted a concern with Babe's SA even though during our conversation he said it looked normal and nothing to be concerned about at all.
Next I passed on to the HSG and ultrasound reports that were conducted in April.  As mentioned the HSG found that my left tube flowed slowly.  What I didn't know however that my ultrasound report stated there were subcentimeter myometrical cysts and focal cystic change as well as a tilted and T-shaped uterus.  At the time of the transvaginal ultrasound I was on CD 10 and my uterine lining was also only 4mm thick.  Not once in all the calls I made to my doctors office was any of this mentioned even when I suspected endometriosis.  In fact, my doctor said it all looked fine and that I should continue to try naturally on our own for a while before seeing him again.  

So now what do I do?  Well, I've left a message with the office manager to see if they could explain the many discrepencies to me.  I'm not expecting much in the way of a return phone call.  So in the meantime, I plan on calling my insurance to see if they've been billed for services I never received.  Lastly, I plan on waiting until we visit the RE's office for the first time.  The girls from 3T suggest that he may have all the tests done again so I can be assured they were done properly.  I'm more than happy if that's what's needed.  

I'm still a little shocked at the results and furious that this information was withheld until now.  

I am officially done with crazy book.  Thank goodness!  It was such a train-wreck and so difficult to follow in spurts which made it hard to keep my interest.  To help get me through it though, I did read through all of Gone Girl and had my next book ready and waiting. My next book is... drum roll please... And The Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini.

If you haven't read Khaled Hosseini before, I feel very sorry for you. No I'm just kidding.  But seriously, his books Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns are quite possibly two of my favorite books.  Reading them is the epitome of immersing yourself in a world you never would have experienced in your everyday life. They're moving and so powerfully written, I just can't describe it. One of my coworkers lost her father who brought the passion of reading into her life.  Since then she hasn't been able to pick up a book and follow it all the way through.  I lent her my copy of Kite Runner and now there isn't a spare moment I don't turn around to see her nose in a new book.  

Okay so my point is, please read these two books if you haven't already.  Please.  Now I can't vouch for his newest one, And The Mountains Echoed, but I'm hoping it's just as great as his others. As soon as I'm done I'll let you know.  

Besides reading, I've been pretty busy with the rest of my life.  The Walk of Hope was this past Sunday and I'm so glad I went.  It was the smallest walk I've ever participated in but it was great nonetheless.  There was a moment when we had made it all the way to the pier and turned around to walk back and I could see all the people who had been walking behind us.  It made me tear up knowing each of these people had overcome the taboo topic of infertility to come together for them or someone they love.  It made me so proud to be apart of it.  

Afterwards we had lunch with our OC friends since we were in the area. These are friends who live more than an hour a way but try to make it out to the I.E. whenever they can.  It had been almost six months since the last time we saw each other and it always feels like home when I see them.  Last year Babe and I had inadvertently thrown a naughty Christmas party for all our friends and we had been considering making it a tradition.  How do you do that you ask? Well you look up synonyms for a white elephant and send out an invite with the words "dirty santa" with a totally innocent mind.  Then your husband answers yes when asked, "are we supposed to bring 'dirty' gifts".  Everyone got pretty creative especially our OC friends.  Well over lunch they had told us the gift they received from us had been the topic of conversation among their friends and were excited for us to throw another one.  So it looks like we're doing it again this year. Except, how do we top this...

Am I happy with my life?  I ask myself this question from time to time, usually when I'm starting to feel like I'm not. Almost always my marriage is the first thing I think about and think about how blessed I am to be a part of it.  Babe truly is my best friend and although I can't stand some of his quirks sometimes, nearly every day I feel like I've never loved him more.  

As an extension of that, our family life has its ups and downs.  I'd really like to have a baby, more than one actually and sometimes I feel this huge loss of something that's not there.  Then there are times when I realize what will need to be sacrificed once we do start our family.  Things that even with our best intentions we might have to pass on like vacations, spontaneous day trips, brew hopping, etc.  Sacrifices I'm beyond willing to make but at the same time will miss.  

Next comes thinking about work.  I took this job with the hope that should we become pregnant my salary could hopefully be supplemented so I could be a stay at home mom. Two years and four months later and I'm feeling like a glorified paper pusher.  Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful for having a job and income, I just wish I enjoyed it more.  

Mostly I'm very happy with the way things have turned out.  I could get into all sorts of other subjects that shape my life and how I feel about them but I won't.  I'd much rather dwell on what's important to me and the person I want to be.  

I've been an emotional wreck the last couple of days.  Yesterday I even asked Babe to back off because I needed space.  I'd rather him be mad at me for that then blowing up on something so stupid.  There's no real reason for my melodrama, just me being stupid.  It started after we received a wedding invitation in the mail.  We had made plans in advance around it and instead of sticking to the plans, we both had other ideas.  Then I got frustrated that I was ovulating and getting pushed aside until the very last minute.  Of course I then didn't want to fool around because who wants to make a baby when you're arguing.  It was all very silly and I felt stupid about it.

Anyway, in the DD household there are a couple of other very exciting things happening this weekend.  Babe was asked to be our nieces Godfather so we're going to get some paperwork squared away at the San Gabriel Mission. Then on Sunday we're doing our very first Walk of Hope in Long Beach.  Resolve is putting this event on to bring awareness and raise awareness for infertility.  I'm hoping that there will be a ton of resources available to us there as well as some great networking opportunities.  So much for a quiet weekend staying home and cleaning.

I feel like I'm playing double dutch, or more accurately, I'm prepping to jump into the double dutch ropes.  Open enrollment begins with my company September 15th, less than one week from now. Until then my benefits office hasn't released any plan information. For Babe's employer, it doesn't begin until around October which is when mine ends. Sure there is probably room for changes should I need it, but that's the least of my worries.  

We've started to lean towards finding an RE prior to our coverage period should their financial department be able to help us choose.  With that information I've started to do research on RE's in the area and even those outside of it. Yesterday I contacted one about 30 minutes from my home who told me that an initial consultation would cost $150 without insurance coverage.  Today I read reviews on one in my own city that offers a free seminar with consultation. Both seem reputable and have great reviews on third party sites.  However the one in the I.E. would normally cost $300+ for an initial consultation leading me to believe that their costs are more than the other.  

Like this blog, my brain is taking me in so many different directions I'm not really sure which is the best decision.  For now, we've scheduled a free consultation at the I.E. RE's office for October 15th.  Which incidentally will be 2 years since we've stopped all birth control and the day before Babe's birthday.  

This morning I bit the bullet and called the RE's office that I'm interested in going to in the coming year.  The woman who answered the phone was so kind and wasn't put off at all by my bizarro questions about coverage.  I wonder if they get it all the time.  

So I found out that a consult with the RE will cost $150 at which time he may or may not order additional testing.  The receptionist seemed pleasantly surprised when I listed off the tests I'd already had done through my Gynecologists office but wasn't sure if the doctor would want them repeated or not.  Either way, I think I'm going to talk to Babe tonight about making an appointment soon.  It may help to find out if our 2015 insurance options will work there. Right now, I'm feeling a mixture of happiness and excitement.  Who knew this process would bring so many tears of happiness along with sadness.  

It's also brought with it its share of financial cost.  Just this morning my thermometer crapped out on me so I wasn't able to take my bbt.  I'm still taking my temps at 5:45 even though I'm back to my regular work schedule.  I'll keep it up through this cycle just to keep my charting consistent.  But at 5:45 when I know I have an hour more to sleep, no lights and loud beeping coming from a crappy thermometer, I have no other option than to go back to sleep.  Waking up to see if it could be fixed wasn't worth it.  So this afternoon I ran to Walgreens during lunch to see if I could buy a replacement.  The only ones I could find were for infants and toddlers and when I finally got someone to help me, she kept asking if I was "trying".  Without being rude I simply overstepped the question and thanked her for her help. Hopefully this thermometer has a longer shelf life than the last, which by the way was not cheap.  

So there have been quite a few things happening since my last post.  First off, I finally introduced myself on the 3T board.  It felt right and has turned out to be much better than I was expecting.  So far I haven't become obsessed with my IF and it hasn't been all consuming.

Baby D was born to J&C 8/28 weighing over 6 lbs.  According to the doctors he was a micro-preemie since he was born at 35 weeks.  The general consensus is that the doctors had the wrong due date and that he's only a week early and not 5. Baby D and mommy were both okay and are home now.

Babe is finally back to working normal 8 hour days instead of the grueling 16 hour ones.  In celebration, he, his brothers and his dad planned a trip to Vegas.  While he was away I planned to pick our nephew up from preschool for his dad and help my sister-in-law out a bit as well as feed my father-in-law's dog.  In two days I basically drove all over southern California to do an airport drop-off, hang out with my sister, feed pets, pick up kids, dinner and watch soccer games.  By Saturday night I was beat.  Thankfully Babe was just as exhausted when he got home that all we did was sleep.

At some point this weekend I mentioned to him that there was a Resolve Walk of Hope happening this month in Long Beach.  It's something that I literally just ran across and thought it might be a good time to network and find IF resources.  Interestingly enough he said that while they were in Vegas, his brother asked us how things had been going and if both of us had been tested.  Babe of course had to brag that in the average SA there are 20 million sperm per ounce and that he had 90 million.  They talked a little bit about IVF and adoption and which ones we were considering depending on how the next year or so go.  Two great things came out of it.  One, everyone we're close to now knows and I didn't have to be the one to share it.  And two, it's reassuring to know Babe has these conversations with his brothers and that he feels at all comfortable discussing our IF.  It made me all warm and fuzzy hearing him tell me about it.  Hopefully he'll be comfortable enough to join me at the walk in a couple of weeks too.