Finding it hard to be happy

I was going to write a post about how frustrating it is when I have an anovulatory cycle.  They don't happen often, about once a year.  They're one less chance of conceiving in a given year and make me anxious for the next cycle to start already.  Instead, I received a text from my mom today.  It's actually the second in a week that I've gotten like this. My cousin who has four kids already, the youngest being 6 months, is pregnant.  Again.

I try really hard to disassociate our struggles with other peoples pregnancies and babies.  Over the last two years I think I've done a damn good job considering.  This time, it's difficult not to fee judgy and angry.  I'm sitting here with tears welling up for something I know I shouldn't blame her for.  She can't control my reproductive system and isn't getting pregnant to flaunt her fertility.  It's just so hard seeing someone constantly draw the long straw when you only ever get the short one.  

To top it off, I'm angry with my mom.  I excused her first text telling me her husband's son was pregnant with their fourth child.  Especially because she text it among Thanksgiving plans and menus as if I wouldn't notice it slipped in.  I know both times she didn't mean bad, but I can't keep getting these sorts of announcements in texts at random times and places.  I hadn't even heard from her since Thursday and this morning on my phone is something saying to keep her pregnancy a secret.  

Too bad there's no "cousin's pregnant while you're still infertile" leave here at work.


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