If and when

Lately I've noticed that while talking to Babe I now say "if we have kids" rather than "when we have kids".  It was a subtle transition that I didn't intentionally start saying.  This weekend however was the first time anyone has said it to me in return.  It wasn't done to hurt me or with any ill will.  In fact, I'm not really sure it did hurt.  It was honest and I'm sure I'm the only one who even caught it.  

Since the day my nephews were born, my sister and sister-in-law have made it a point to warn us of what to expect as parents.  So this weekend my sister naturally joked about the surprises of motherhood and what I should prepare for "if I have kids".  I'm trying this new thing where I make light of whatever parenting comments are made to me since most of the time they're a slip of the tongue I know they regret.  Why should I make anyone feel worse for something they already feel bad about?  

In the past I have been very firm in my position of being a mother.  My husband knows that I don't have any intention of living child free and that I don't even want to entertain the idea.  However as I read blogs and posts all over the internet, the realization that being a parent could essentially bankrupt us has become clear.  This weekend was the first time I seriously considered living child free for the rest of my life.  It doesn't necessarily mean we're pulling the plug on trying to have a baby of our own.  It just means that I'm trying to see these trials as reasonably as possible. Only time will tell though.  


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