What we really want

This weekend was so jam packed that I'm going to have to write multiple posts to do it justice.  So my sister's baby shower is going to have to wait until tomorrow's Wednesday's post.  Plus, I know you want to see pictures too.

The weekend began with FedEx delivering a package from our old PCP.  We finally received our medical records from them which included the long awaited Semen Analysis (SA) report.  Of course being anxious as I am, I started doing research to understand the results.  Bad bad idea.  I should have just waited to have them professionally read. I know nothing good comes from jumping the gun and trying to self diagnose.  But I digress.

Something about them jumped from the page and screamed at me, morphology.  What does that even mean?  It means that these little guys need to have a specific shape and size to them in order to fertilize an egg.  Of course any research on the internet can lead to correct and incorrect ideas of what is a good percentage.  One report read that anything from 0-3% is abnormal, 4-14% is borderline and 15-100% is normal.  Another I read states that 4% is still considered normal.  And this is why you don't read the results yourself DD [slaps self in forehead].

Of course my mind races as always with questions and nowhere to go for them.  It doesn't help that I'm literally surrounded with expected newborns.  My emotions got the better of me and the next thing you know I'm in tears trying to reason with Babe.  It never occurred to me that we may have to deal with male infertility.  I feel like if it's something to do with my reproductive system, I can push for tests, procedures, timelines, answers.  If it's Babe, do I really have that right?  I can't exactly tell him he needs to get another SA taken even though that's what I want him to do.  I can't be there saying, what options does he have, meds, surgery, therapy, etc.

Finally I break.  I explain exactly this.  Why it's so much harder for me to consider that we're dealing with male infertility as well as possibly female infertility?  My husband has in the past said he would consider adoption but would rather adopt an older child not a baby.  These two things combined make me feel like I have no say in the matter.  Am I at someone else's mercy?  The first time he told me that, we were on our way to see friends and I didn't want to get into an emotional conversation just then.  This time he said it, I pointed out that we are not in agreement and it's probably time we sat down and discussed what BOTH of us want.

I keep thinking that if would just happen we could leave all of this behind us.  Then I think of all the other infertility couples.  The couples who have "tried" for more time, spent more money, gone through option after option.  On one hand I think, that's not going to be us, pregnancy is just around the corner.  I just have to be patient.  Then I realize that the same thing probably crossed their mind.  How much pain can one person bear?  Have we just scratched the surface?

Let me preface this by saying I loathe the word "journey" used to describe infertility.  I know I used it in my "About me" page and it actually bothers me.  Anyway, this process has caused more questions that answers.  I hope there's an end soon.


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