Happy birthday to me

I've never been much for celebrating my own birthdays.  The best thing about it is getting to choose where we eat. This year though is just a reminder of the past twelve months of heartache.

This morning I woke up with some mild spotting, my temps had plummeted and I'm pmsing.  All signs that this cycle was in fact either anovulation or an incredibly short luteal phase.  On this day last year I had just taken a negative pregnancy test after a 45 day cycle.  I remember calling in to work so that I could get a same day doctors appointment just for them to tell me, I may have been pregnant but obviously was not anymore.  I don't know what stings more, not ever having the feeling of a positive pregnancy test or if I had taken it a couple days sooner and then be let down if I was really pregnant.  Last year though, I didn't have as much emotion as I do right now.  At the time we had only been trying for 4 months.  

Today I'm going through the motions.  I'm grateful for everyone in my life who loves and wants to celebrate with me. I'm especially grateful for my husband who does everything within his power to make sure we're taken care of. Today is a reminder that (even though I'm "young") my body is failing me where most have no problems.  I ache. The kind that physically hurts that little gap between my heart and my stomach.  

Okay now I need to get a hold of myself at work.  


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