Yesterday was my first appointment with Dr. R, my new OB/Gyn and I cannot express how relieved I am.  First let me start by saying this.  I was so worried about the little bump I felt that I went home to check again before my doctors appointment.  By the time I checked, the bump was no longer there so I didn't bring it up to the Dr.  I will however keep monitoring it and let them know if it shows up again.

So back to Dr. R.  He was actually fairly impressed by what I brought to show him including Babe's semen analysis results.  Plus he read them for us without Babe even having to be there.  He said based on that alone it looks like it may take us a tad bit longer but that he wasn't particularly concerned about it since they looked pretty good still.  He also agreed with me on my charting that although I've ovulated in the past that my last few cycles don't look like I did.

The plan going forward is an HSG and then an ultrasound to see what is causing the pain in my left ovary.  Then we're going to start on 100 mg of semi monitored Clomid.  I'm actually thinking of taking half of that to start with since the side affects are not great.  I should probably mention this to him first though.  And to top it all off, he's removed the infertility diagnosis from billing so that insurance doesn't automatically deny it like they did the last few.

I left his office feeling accomplished.  After 4 months of doing absolutely nothing, it's a good feeling to have a strategy.

Update:  I just received a call from the doctor's office approving my HSG and telling me to make an appointment when I'm ready.  What a difference!

I don't even know where to begin and I apologize in advance for this post being so loopy.  Today is my first appointment with my gynecologist.  Right now there are so many emotions running through me.  I feel anticipation, sadness, excitement, nervous, happy and scared all in the same breath.  

Last night I took inventory of all my paperwork and now I'm worried the Dr. is going to be perturbed by my stack.  I'm bringing with me my last pap and blood test results, my charts, my insurance billing information, Babe's semen analysis,  and just in case, my medical records from my last PCP.  That last part is not as large as you would think.  Plus I'm just not sure what he'd want to know, you know.  

Then as I was getting ready for bed I decided to check my cervical fluid and noticed a little nodule on my cervix.  I swear I check it all the time but this is the first day I noticed it.  Now I'm not sure if it's because I touched it with the tip of my fingernail or the fact that I found it but the idea of it is actually making my skin crawl.  This may all be in my head I'm sure but I can't stop squirming knowing it's there.  I actually haven't told my husband about it yet.  I figure I can tell the Dr. at today's appointment without worrying him.  

Unfortunately, Babe cannot make it to today's appointment because he has an important meeting at work.  I'm really disappointed that he won't be there with me but I know that it's not his choice.  Last night when we prayed for dinner though I prayed that today would go well and afterwards he said "it's just a doctor's appointment".  Of all people I need for him to understand what I'm feeling.  If not a 100% at least know that all my feelings are valid.  He apologized when he realized that his comment had stung.  

Hopefully the day will go by quickly and that today's appointment is productive.  At least it's a start.

Sorry for skipping a day.  I read somewhere that you should try to blog every weekday which has been really good for me.  The only problem is, my life is pretty boring and sometimes I just need to be inside my head for a little while.

Anyway, it's been almost a week since my birthday and I still haven't talked about what we did to celebrate.  So Saturday night we met up with 15 of our friends and family to have dinner at Shoguns in La Verne.  On a side note, I'm usually the first one to say big dinners or birthday celebrations are annoying.  Except it was really great to be with everyone.  So when we got there I let Babe do the checking in.  By the time everyone arrived and we were ready to sit down, Babe confided in me that they had lost our reservation and he was about to blow it if they couldn't seat us.

After dinner a handful of us headed over to Piano Piano, a local dueling piano bar for drinks.  We actually didn't have a reservation here but were able to find a table anyway.  The bar was a blast!  And bonus, my friends K & L didn't realize you had to put money with a request to get people to go on stage.  Thanks to that, I was never called to make a drunken fool of myself in front of everyone.  I can do that on my own.

For the last three weeks I've been obsessing over getting back on the wagon with doctors.  We've been stuck with no additional testing and only a pap smear and semen analysis completed.  Since then I've been waiting for a referral to my OB/Gyn.  On Thursday, feeling down as I was, I decided to jump the gun a little early and find out what the hold up was.  Turns out the doctors office had been having trouble adding me to their referral system and me calling them pushed them to try harder.  On my way home from work Thursday I got the call that the referral had gone through! Happy Birthday DD!

So Friday I called the Gyn to make an appointment.  As soon as I told them I was coming in to talk about IF they gave me the unfortunate news that the Dr. I had chosen no longer sees patients for IF.  They did however say that his partner could and that I would have to make my appointment with her.  What, No!  I did all my research, read reviews and narrowed it down to him.  On top of that, I knew she was one of the least recommended doctor's in the area.  So no, I was not going to go to her.  What to do?  I made an appointment with my original choice anyway just as a book marker and said I'd call back.

Babe had been at a conference and was unreachable but just as I started to get discouraged, our good friend text me to see how things had been going.  It was, for lack of a better word, divine.  Haha.  We ended up talking on the phone for a while and she suggested I go rogue.  All the insurance company said was I needed an initial referral and then I could go from there.  They never said I had to attend the appointment with the referred doctor.  So with a little encouragement I set out to find a new doctor from my researched list.  After speaking with the office of my second choice, we decided it would be a good place to start.  So I booked an appointment for Thursday, called back the first Dr. to cancel and then my PCP to get the name on my referral changed just in case.

With that little boost of confidence I decided to make a phone call to an insurance advocacy group.  We still don't have Babe's analysis read and even though the test itself was covered by insurance, the insurance company denied our referral to get them read by a IF specialist.  The group suggested we see a urologist which would more than likely be covered.  They're actually working right now on finding out for sure and getting us a few recommendations.

It feels good to have a little something to look forward to.  I know it's not much and there still isn't a plan, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

Last night I kept getting texts from my girlfriends asking if they could crash my birthday.  I felt bad saying no but I really just wanted to spend the evening with Babe.  I'm glad I did.  We had a delicious home cooked dinner of Pioneer Woman's stuffed shells except with our homemade sauce. I had a glass of wine and we watched our newest obsession The West Wing on Netflix.  Then to distract me a little more I was able to convince Babe to move the West Wing marathon to my sewing room so I can work on the quilt.  It was therapeutic and exactly what I needed. Tomorrow we'll be celebrating on a bigger scale than I'm used to with family and friends.  But last night I needed it to be just us.  

I've never been much for celebrating my own birthdays.  The best thing about it is getting to choose where we eat. This year though is just a reminder of the past twelve months of heartache.

This morning I woke up with some mild spotting, my temps had plummeted and I'm pmsing.  All signs that this cycle was in fact either anovulation or an incredibly short luteal phase.  On this day last year I had just taken a negative pregnancy test after a 45 day cycle.  I remember calling in to work so that I could get a same day doctors appointment just for them to tell me, I may have been pregnant but obviously was not anymore.  I don't know what stings more, not ever having the feeling of a positive pregnancy test or if I had taken it a couple days sooner and then be let down if I was really pregnant.  Last year though, I didn't have as much emotion as I do right now.  At the time we had only been trying for 4 months.  

Today I'm going through the motions.  I'm grateful for everyone in my life who loves and wants to celebrate with me. I'm especially grateful for my husband who does everything within his power to make sure we're taken care of. Today is a reminder that (even though I'm "young") my body is failing me where most have no problems.  I ache. The kind that physically hurts that little gap between my heart and my stomach.  

Okay now I need to get a hold of myself at work.  

It's been two and a half weeks since my last appointment and I'm starting to feel a little anxious that I haven't received my referral in the mail yet.  I knew it could take up to three weeks I was just hoping that it wouldn't.  I'm reminded every morning when I take my basal temperature that I really should talk to a professional about my charts.  Just when I think I might have ovulated after getting a huge temp spike, I wake up the next day to find it as low or lower than the day before.

I also used to feel the major side "cramp" that would come with ovulating.  Since charting the last three cycles I've only felt it once.  My only educated guess after reading "Taking Charge of Your Fertility", is that I'm anovulatory.  My cycle lengths are an average of 34 days and wasting money on ovulation predictor kits (OPK's) seems a little ridiculous when all the signs are pointing to no ovulation.

It's been about 6 months since I peed on a stick for OPK's and about 4 since I stopped taking home pregnancy tests (HPT).  They all just don't seem worth it.  I get myself all worked up with the slightest cramping, spotting, etc.  It also doesn't help that almost all early pregnancy symptoms you read about in books and online can double as PMS symptoms.

I need to be patient I know.  It's something I'm working on.

There is a common thought among IFers and it's this, some things are better left unsaid.  We tend to be overly emotional especially when it comes to people talking about our IF.  The problem with that is we're so fickle about it too.  It really is a curse that comes with the territory.  Two people may say the same thing both with good intentions and depending on who, your mood, recent events, etc. you can take it two completely different ways.

Lately I've noticed this of me.  I try really hard to hold my tongue and not say anything offensive in return.  I have foot-in-mouth syndrome so that's not always the case which I end up having to apologize for.  Anyway, I've been pretty good about keeping my responses to myself and just nodding along with whatever is being said.  Most recently I've had people make comments on my age in regards to IF.  I'm fairly young, in my late 20's still, and Babe and I have only been "trying" for less than a year and a half.  I know that to some IFers, those numbers are a drop in the bucket especially considering we've not had any invasive procedures done.  It doesn't make our struggle any less valid though.  

Last week I text Babe's cousin N to see how her pregnancy is faring.  As always, she asked how we were doing with the doctors and insurance and followed up by asking how old I was.  When I answered her response was "I didn't realize you were so young.  You have plenty of time."  I know she meant well, it just didn't sit right with me.  Other than not being in higher danger for birth defects, what does my age have anything to do with it?  I know this isn't a race but heck I've been married and trying longer than she has.  She doesn't see me throwing that in her face does she? Even typing that response makes me cringe.  This isn't me.  Snarky and rude is not who I want to be.  

It's not the first time though.  My lovely  coworker has struggled with IF her whole life.  She had 4 miscarriages and was married 8 years before conceiving her only son.  Sometimes I think she speaks in hindsight rather than remember how she may have felt at the time.  Regardless, she's always telling me how long they waited to have a baby and wonders why everyone is always in such a rush to get pregnant.  I usually just smile and shrug when really it scares me that I could be there one day too.  

Unfortunately for us IFers, what one of us considers kind encouragement others may feel wounded by.  It's the curse and from what I can tell it doesn't always get better.  So be kind to your IF friend and IFers be kind to each other.  We all struggle differently so try listening, more often than not it's better than anything you can say.

2/19/14 Edited to add:  I kid you not, right after I posted this my coworker yelled across the office to asking "So when are you going to have kids, are you going to wait until you're 40 and have quadruplets?" She was referring to the article of a woman who had identical quadruplets when she only thought she was having triplets.  

The weekends are definitely more exciting for me than the week.  I feel like I could just blog about Friday, Saturday and Sunday from Monday-Thursday and still have more to say.  Let's see if I can sum it all up in today's post.

Friday night was valentine's day and our yearly tradition is to picnic as I mentioned before.  This year we planned on having hot wings and beer from our favorite "wingery", Wingnuts.  Except when we got there to place our order, the place was far from packed out so instead we opted to eat-in and catch a movie across the street.  Our table was in a quiet little corner so we were still able to have the talk which went surprisingly well.  We decided together that we were both going to try to push for whatever tests necessary to figure out what's going on between us.  We're both still not comfortable with doing invasive and expensive procedures to become pregnant so for now IUI's (Intrauterine Insemination) and IVF (In Vitro Fertilization), if offered, are off the table.  We also discussed the possibility of adoption, what age, etc.  Really, the conversation just went really well.  It felt like for now we could control the uncontrollable.  

I woke up bright and early Saturday morning to get a quick haircut and the race off to my sister-in-law's house to help her sisters out with her baby shower.  Quick note about me, one of my biggest pet peeves is people who are habitually late.  It's just so rude.  Anyway, the shower came together with minutes to spare and everyone seemed pleased.  My sister/brother-in-law made out with a ton of cute outfits for their baby girl.  Since this is their second baby in 3 years, there wasn't much they needed.  

When it was over and after a little cleanup, I raced home to meet my husband for a hockey game.  We have season tickets to a local team and this was one of 3 games this weekend.  I knew it was going to be a busy weekend and I really didn't want to go to this particular game.  I had suggested he take my brother-in-law and nephew since the girls would all be winding down from the shower.  Nope he said, he wanted it to be a date night.  So when I called to ask how he wanted to do dinner, I found out that our date night turned into a trio with my father-in-law.  The rushing, the tons of things I wanted to get done, me running late, a massive migraine all coupled with them waiting out front for me when I pulled up made me lose it.  I was in a dress and sandals and had been up since 6:00 that morning for goodness sake.  I dropped my bags, told my husband I wasn't going and had a tantrum like a child.  Real mature. Once they left I grabbed a couple of extra strength ibuprofen and got working on the rest of my weekend plans.

So instead of going to the game I went to Joann's.  I decided years ago with my sister's little one that I would make all my newborn nephews and nieces a one of a kind quilt.  For the two new babies, I had been waiting for a check to come in from work before I started it.  Well they were finally released Friday with barely enough time to spare to make my nieces quilt.  For my niece I'm using pinks, purples and a little blue & green to make a triangle quilt like the one Elise made on her blog.  I was super excited because I was able to find a pretty hummingbird print to symbolize her Nona in heaven.  

For my nephew I'm planning on doing a baby blue and gray chevron quilt with little monsters on the back similar to those in Monsters Inc. (the theme of his nursery).  Since she's due in March and he in April I figured I'd start hers first. I'll try to get pictures of his soon though.

Sunday was a little better.  Babe and I spent the day relaxing, him playing video games and me cutting squares.  I'm using this tutorial to cut the triangles for both quilts.  I got all of my nieces cut already and started sewing some of them together.  Unfortunately I couldn't finish them last night because we had another hockey game to go to. Afterwards we did a craft beer run at Total Wine, went grocery shopping (I love when he goes with me) and vegged out the rest of the night.  

This week I'll probably try to get as much quilting done as possible while Babe has a video game to keep him busy. That way he won't notice I've lost track of hours upon hours in my sewing room.  Plus my birthday's on Thursday so I think I might be able to get away with it.

Do you ever just need a break from family?  I do.  All the time.  But it's not just family with me, I really mean I just need a break from people for the most part.  This week though, I do need a break from some family.  

To make a long story short, a completely innocent comment on Instagram turned into WWIII for a portion of my family. Curse you social media.  I kid you not, if I wrote the whole story out here about 90% of you would agree that there was nothing wrong with what was said.  The other 10% wouldn't care.  The fallout from it was rough and my sister and I were at a loss.  The problem was we were only aware of it when we received a really hurtful text and then no one would pick up their phone so we could talk about it.  The text I received was so off the wall, the kind that you keep rereading trying to understand how those words could ever be said let alone written down.  

For the first two days I was angry and hurt.  It actually felt like a part of me was ripped out and my life would be forever changed.  Finally after urging from my husband, I tried calling again.  This time they picked up.  We talked for a long time trying to get to the bottom of it.  I tried to be patient, I tried to listen, I tried to really understand where they were coming from and I tried to keep my emotions in check.  The time it took for us to finally speak I'm sure helped because I did really well.  The text message, I found out, was a knee jerk reaction to protect loved ones.  They admitted that they should have never sent it and eventually apologized.  So for now, it's been patched up.  Unfortunately some damage has been done.

The very next day I got a text from the same people asking if I was free for them to come down for the weekend because they needed family time.  I want things to get better, I really do.  Right now though the wounds are fresh and a bandaid cannot heal them.  Forgiving them isn't the problem, but it is going to take more than pretending it didn't happen for me to ever feel the same again.  So for now, I'm thankful I have a busy weekend ahead of me and hope I don't carry this around for much longer.  I have enough weighing me down these days.

Every year since we've been together, my husband and I have agreed not to exchange gifts for Valentine's day or our anniversary.  Our anniversary is usually celebrated by taking a trip together or like last year, having a nice dinner. Valentine's day on the other hand is special in its own way.  Each year we pick a restaurant, pre-order our dinner and picnic on the living room floor.  

It's a sweet tradition of ours that I very much look forward to.  We're both such homebodies that the thought of braving crowds for an overpriced dinner does not appeal.  This year is of course no exception.  So Friday night, we're pulling out a blanket, some candles and rather than popping in a movie, we're talking about babies.  How romantical right?  

Since my mini breakdown, we agreed to finally sit down and talk about what each of us wants out of this process.  I'm mixed about it for the following reasons.  

• I will actually get Babe to talk about he wants to do should either of face real issues with our own fertility.  Testing, procedures, adoption, timelines, etc.  
• I will be able to do the same.
• This conversation really relies heavily on what current tests results show, what our doctors think we should do and insurance.  I know my husband and I know he won't want to talk too much about anything with so many unknowns.  I need to be assertive.  I need to be assertive.  
• This conversation I know will become very emotional for me.  I just know it and I'm dreading it. 

With that said, I really hope Valentine's day is as memorable for good reasons as the last 8 years has been.

On Saturday, friends and family got together to show my sister and her new baby some love.   She chose a cute colorful mustache invitation from Pickledoodle designs on Etsy and she wanted to have brunch.  Knowing those things, we hit Pinterest and found some really creative ideas.  

Invitation

Mustache balloon on the mailbox

We brought the mustaches and colors into just about everything.  For pictures we put together some colorful patterned paper bow ties and mustaches with a sign that read "Girls allowed, pick a disguise".  The favors were one of my sisters biggest cravings, crullants (cronuts) from Semi Sweet Bakery in DTLA wrapped up for breakfast on Sunday. Side note, this is the first I've had them and all I can say is, it's a good thing I live 40 miles from this place. Now back to the shower.  We made a ton of tissue paper poms in various colors to hang from the ceiling along with a cute pennant banner that said "Boy oh boy".  The menu consisted of mini pancakes, bacon wrapped fingerling potatoes (look these up, you won't be sorry), a yogurt bar, fruit and tiger tail skewers, eggs and sausage.  For dessert, our mom made cupcakes topped with chocolate mustaches.

No girls allowed, pick a disguise

Delicious brunch spread

Mustache cupcake tower

Favor table complete with crullants

Boy oh boy pennant banner

Tissue poms

I really wanted the games to be less baby and more about my sister since this is her second.  We started by having guests write cute notes on diapers so they can smile when they're elbow deep in late night changes. This was less of a game and more of a way to give my sister a gift from each and every one of us.  The next two games were baby Price Is Right and a version of the baby name game.  For Price Is Right I had them total a box of diapers, baby wash, rash cream and pacifiers.  The person with the closest to the actual pre-tax price without going over was the winner. Then again, my sister got to take home the items.  In the baby name game, we asked each guest to write down as many boy names that started with an "S" and an "R" (the letters their names start with) in 60 seconds.  I was really surprised how few people could come up with.  But it still was a really fun game.  Next we played a game I'm calling the Baby Face Mashup.  It's played by giving each guest a picture of mom and dad cut up to reveal one feature each, hair, forehead, eyes, nose, mouth, chin, etc.  Then it was their job to create one full face using features of both parents to "see what the baby would end up looking like".  This game was hil-arious!  My sister got to choose her favorite but we all got a good laugh out of it.  The last game was the measure the belly game.  I really should have asked my sister if she wanted to do this but thankfully she wasn't put-off.

Baby face mashup game results

Late night diaper messages

All in all the shower was a huge success and everyone, most importantly my sister, had a blast.  Now baby come on, I want to meet you.

I've been mulling over these words a lot lately.  They were said at the Super Bowl game from one pregnant lady to another.  One (W) apparently had severe morning sickness all day long for her entire pregnancy and the other (R) didn't.  W shared her experience without complaining, just matter of fact.  When R began to talk about hers, she hesitated and said she couldn't exactly complain since W had it much worse than her.  W's response, "it's your own experience though".

For an IF person, there are many triggers ranging from hearing pregnancy announcements, babies, quotes and the list goes on.  The biggest of them though, is the complaining pregnant woman.  The woman who's mild discomfort makes every IF wish she could experience.  I've seen fights break out over this sort of thing.  And although I understand why they get upset, I've never understood blaming that other person.  The expectation is that every pregnant woman must love her pregnancy 100% and when her child is born adore every little thing about them without complaint.  Except that's unrealistic.  W stated it so eloquently "it's your own experience".

This weekend was so jam packed that I'm going to have to write multiple posts to do it justice.  So my sister's baby shower is going to have to wait until tomorrow's Wednesday's post.  Plus, I know you want to see pictures too.

The weekend began with FedEx delivering a package from our old PCP.  We finally received our medical records from them which included the long awaited Semen Analysis (SA) report.  Of course being anxious as I am, I started doing research to understand the results.  Bad bad idea.  I should have just waited to have them professionally read. I know nothing good comes from jumping the gun and trying to self diagnose.  But I digress.

Something about them jumped from the page and screamed at me, morphology.  What does that even mean?  It means that these little guys need to have a specific shape and size to them in order to fertilize an egg.  Of course any research on the internet can lead to correct and incorrect ideas of what is a good percentage.  One report read that anything from 0-3% is abnormal, 4-14% is borderline and 15-100% is normal.  Another I read states that 4% is still considered normal.  And this is why you don't read the results yourself DD [slaps self in forehead].

Of course my mind races as always with questions and nowhere to go for them.  It doesn't help that I'm literally surrounded with expected newborns.  My emotions got the better of me and the next thing you know I'm in tears trying to reason with Babe.  It never occurred to me that we may have to deal with male infertility.  I feel like if it's something to do with my reproductive system, I can push for tests, procedures, timelines, answers.  If it's Babe, do I really have that right?  I can't exactly tell him he needs to get another SA taken even though that's what I want him to do.  I can't be there saying, what options does he have, meds, surgery, therapy, etc.

Finally I break.  I explain exactly this.  Why it's so much harder for me to consider that we're dealing with male infertility as well as possibly female infertility?  My husband has in the past said he would consider adoption but would rather adopt an older child not a baby.  These two things combined make me feel like I have no say in the matter.  Am I at someone else's mercy?  The first time he told me that, we were on our way to see friends and I didn't want to get into an emotional conversation just then.  This time he said it, I pointed out that we are not in agreement and it's probably time we sat down and discussed what BOTH of us want.

I keep thinking that if would just happen we could leave all of this behind us.  Then I think of all the other infertility couples.  The couples who have "tried" for more time, spent more money, gone through option after option.  On one hand I think, that's not going to be us, pregnancy is just around the corner.  I just have to be patient.  Then I realize that the same thing probably crossed their mind.  How much pain can one person bear?  Have we just scratched the surface?

Let me preface this by saying I loathe the word "journey" used to describe infertility.  I know I used it in my "About me" page and it actually bothers me.  Anyway, this process has caused more questions that answers.  I hope there's an end soon.

Today I was speaking with a coworker about career goals and he basically asked me what I really want to be doing with my life.  I can tell you that since I've been married, every major financial decision has been made with the end goal of having kids.  It struck me that having kids may not be our reality.  What if we can't have our own?

Since I was 13 I've held over a dozen different positions.  I've always worked really hard, sometimes 2-3 jobs at once while going to school.  When we made the moves to our current job, the hope was for me to eventually stop working when we started having kids.  In our case, it's never been an option to be a stay at home wife, but a stay at home mom makes sense for us.  So what do I do for the rest of my life if I never become a mom?  I feel like my ambitions should have been bigger.  Now that we're in this situation I realize I should never have relied so heavily on being a parent.  I actually feel kind of pathetic now.

So what to do?  The position I hold now has it's ups and downs not unlike every other job.  Financially, the benefits and job security cannot be beat.  On the other hand I work in the public sector and because of that the compensation is lower than the industry standard and most of my coworkers are the typical government employees.  You know that lady at the DMV counter who can hardly be bothered to talk to more than a couple people an hour and spends the rest filing her nails.

Anyway, to get back on topic.  My dream career and what I went to school for, was wedding and event planning.  I'm good at it.  I work incredibly well under stress and love planning anything and everything.  I've done it for clients in the past but always got myself in a bit of trouble.  See I tend to want to help everyone.  The weddings that I have planned have either been done free for the experience or for very little money.  I did wedding planning for a couple years as a part time gig but quickly realized that it would never do if I wanted to have kids and spend time as a whole family.  Let's face it, almost nobody plans weddings during weekdays from 9-5.  So I moved on to the corporate world where life is less colorful and a little more reliable.

But maybe, just maybe, I can keep wedding planner in my back pocket in case life takes a little turn.

Yesterday I posted that we've only shared our struggle with people who would be a support system for us.  Everyday I'm reminded in some way or another that we've made good decisions so far.  Immediately after I published the post, my sister put this on Instagram...

Keep in mind she has no idea this blog exists.  She also doesn't know what's been going on the past couple of weeks with doctor's and insurance.  I've tried to spare her so I don't rain on her baby shower joy. Either way, it was a few words of encouragement that i needed this week. 

So if you're struggling with IF or really having a difficult day, week or month, here are a few of my favorite quotes from handy dandy Pinterest.

   

 

If only some of these weren't easier said than done.  

Hello my name is "Dominican Dreamer" and I am a lurker on the Nest's 3T board.  Okay now that we have that out of the way I can explain where this topic is coming from.  "Coming out" was a topic recently discussed on the board and it got me thinking.  In my experience coming out is a very personal subject and usually not taken lightly.  Everyone has different reasons why they have or haven't come out to family, friends and even publicly.

In our case we're "out" to only a handful of friends and family and mostly because of me.  My sister and I have been pretty close in the last couple of years and I wanted to pick her brain when we first started trying.  As time went on I shared with her my concerns that we hadn't conceived yet and then the doctor's visits.  She's been a great support and checks up on me every once in a while.  We also have a couple of friends who we know would really support us who we've casually mentioned our IF with.  One couple, J&C have a one year old son and were pretty adamant about us having kids together.  Since we've told them, C has constantly asked questions and shared in the emotions of just about everything.  Babe's brother and his wife know but don't really talk about it.  They're the people who told N "see, I told you all you had to do was relax".  

Babe and I are pretty private people.  That doesn't come easy in large Italian and Hispanic families. Because of this, it was important to me that the people who knew would keep our best interest in mind.  That meant someone who wasn't going to share our issues for gossips sake or make off-putting comments intentionally.  It was also important that the people we told weren't the ones who after knowing would still ask "so when are you guys going to have one?".  Unfortunately, that last bit means that my mom and Babe's dad are excluded.  To be fair since we haven't come out to everyone close to us, it means we also haven't come out publicly.  Hence the alias "Dominican Dreamer".  

I almost wish I was someone that could roll with the punches and not become emotionally invested.  Sadly I am more emotional than I care to admit which is why I've not become public with IF.  Maybe one day I will feel comfortable enough to put a face to it.  Today is not that day though.  

If anyone reading this has IF experience, have you "come out"?  If so, how did you and your significant other do it?