Last night we received a text message from our friends who are pregnant with their second son due in October.  Early last night her water broke and so they were admitted into the hospital.  Without contractions, and her first being born cesarean section, the plan was to get her to wait until 6:30 this morning before they would deliver the baby.

I'm anxiously awaiting news that mom and baby are both healthy and fine.  Hopefully we're able to meet the little guy after work today.  In the meantime, I just keep praying that everything is alright.  

Being second born has its advantages and disadvantages.  For one, our parents have started to figure out parenthood and tend to be more lenient than with our older sibling.  At least that's the case in both mine and Babe's families.  On the flip side, both Babe's older brother and my older sister are both done having kids.  The first grandchildren in the family.  Who, as the oldest, have inherited many of our childhood toys, books and even cherished heirlooms.  

Dealing with IF causes you to mourn things you never thought you would.  As silly as it is, these are some of the things I've mourned.  Knowing that my children will never have the collection of books that my mom read to us growing up or the beautiful rocking chair that their grandmother rocked their dad in as a little boy.  In conversations with my mom and father-in-law recently, I've begun to notice these items being given away without giving us the consideration.  I'm not sure what is more hurtful, that our parents didn't even consider us, or they did and believed we may never need them.  

I know this cycle is a bust.  I know this because my temps have dropped below my coverline at 5 (or 9 depending on which ovulation day you pick) dpo, much like they've done before.  Only this time, I'm not entirely sad.  This month I've done a good job of looking towards open enrollment and planning for the coming year. Last week I got the first open enrollment email reminder.  Now if they'll just publish the options and rates I can get started.  As far as my charts are concerned, I'm not sure how much I trust FF this cycle.  My most fertile cervical fluid, my ovulation pain and my tests all point to me ovulating on Saturday the 15th.  However my temperatures didn't spike until Thursday the 21st causing FF to label the 20th as ovulation day. 

Has anyone else had any trouble with FF charts not being accurate? 

Sometimes I feel like the responsibility of getting pregnant is mine alone.  For the last year I've worked on getting the right tests, doctors, and am now looking into insurance for IF coverage for next year.  Then every morning I take my temperature at 5:45 and every night before bed I take my medication.  Then I proceed to gather that data on a daily basis looking for signs of fertile cervical fluid, take ovulation tests (OPK) as necessary and as sweetly as possible try to let Babe know when our window will be.  And as much as he hates timed intercourse, so do I.  There's nothing about telling your spouse that we have to have sex now or for the next xx days that's romantic.  It's up to us to do that.  

Each time I try to change my approach.  I've tried not telling him at all and just attempted to make it happen, tried giving him a month heads up, a week heads up, a couple of days notice.  I've even gone as far as left my OPK's on the counter so he can see the positive himself.  I'm concerned that when we finally are in the midst of IF treatments that he won't be willing to have timed intercourse on Dr.'s orders then either.  I'm just so frustrated and more than a little hurt. There doesn't seem to be a solution.

This past weekend I had two days of positive OPK's.  Instead we had sex the day the tests turned negative again. Babe's response "well then you just got lucky sex".  At some point during the weekend I had a breakdown and it's taking everything not to do it again as I type this.  Right now though, he's under a lot of pressure at work and so I can kind of understand if it's too much.  Once it's over though, I plan to have a serious conversation with him about my concerns.  He says he wants to have kids.  Does he though, or is this all just me?  I don't just need him for a shoulder to cry on, I need him through this too.  If anyone tries to tell you IF isn't hard on a marriage, they're lying through their teeth.

Let's talk about depression.  It's come up a lot this week with the passing of great comedian and actor Robin Williams. Apparently the amazing Mr. Williams suffered lately from this great beastly demon we call depression.  At some point, his became so overwhelming he thought the best way to deal with it was by taking his own life.  Many of us have speculated that his life was good enough and that his decision was one of selfishness.  As an outsider, I can see the truth in that but more importantly as someone who has had unbearably dark days I understand a little of what he may have been going through.  Up until today, my husband is the only person who knows this about me. Only he knows that at my darkest, I too contemplated taking my own life thinking that suffering would end for both me and those I love.  

At the time, there was so much going on around us that my depression was muddled with so much other shit we were dealing with.  I didn't reach out for help from loved ones or professionals for fear of being labeled "crazy". Thankfully my situation became better as did my outlook, something I'm so blessed by.  It's not something I would ever recommend going alone but it's all too common.  I was lucky, sadly that is not always the case.  People talk about all the help you can receive, hotlines, friends/family, therapists, medical professionals, but the reality is taking that step is not always easy.  Without placing any blame whatsoever, sometimes it takes people taking notice and extending a helping hand.

I've mentioned before that I'm not quite ready to reach out on The Bumps 3T board.  But yesterday I came across an amazing thing.  A post was created asking for updates on women who have moved on from the board and are either seeking further treatment or are now pregnant.  The posts creator asked that everyone write words of wisdom to those still knee deep in the IF struggle.  There were multiple responses in which therapy was suggested because of how depressing this path could be.  They ranged from getting help right away to those who recognized after failed IVF and moving onto non-genetic children or living child-free.  They stressed how hard it was on their marriages, themselves as potential mothers but more importantly, for their own health and well-being.  It's one of the reasons I'm fearful of throwing myself into that.  But there was something else in that long list of posts.  Almost everyone expressed their sincerest gratitude for being part of a group who understood what they were going through and supported them like no one else could.  It was incredible.  I'm getting closer to reaching out to them after reading the post.  And although I'm not seeing someone now, I know and Babe knows what to look for should my depression return.  

In the meantime, I pray for Mr. Williams family to find peace during this difficult time.  

The last couple of weeks I've been working at getting my Bump account updated by the moderators/techies.  I have an old account with my actual name so I opened a new account with new username and email address.  Then when I went in to change the email address it linked the two accounts together.  Because of that, my signature with all my TTTC (trouble trying to conceive) data is now attached to my old account as well.  We finally got the old account deleted but my old posts are still there with my signature.  Today TB finally asked me for links to those old posts so they can delete them for me.  As I was going through one of my old posts I noticed two girls from my old board who also have TTTC signatures.  Both of them kept their usernames which can be easily identified.  One is currently a mom of one now struggling again to conceive baby #2.  The other shows she's a mom of one and doesn't say if she's trying for anymore.

It got me thinking though, why do I find it so important to keep my identity a secret?  I don't even plan on posting to the 3T board right now and yet I'm terrified of people from my old life knowing who I am and what I'm struggling with.  I'm not ashamed.  At least I don't think I am.  I'm also no longer completely closeted to friends and family.  The only thing I can pinpoint is that we haven't come out to everyone close to us yet and therefore it's unfair to them.  That may just be an excuse though, I'm not quite sure.

On another note, I sent an email to my benefits administrator about open enrollment and she said I should expect to hear something in the next two weeks!  I never actually believed that when I started this blog 8 months ago that I would truly be waiting to go to open enrollment a year later.  Having IF coverage comes with its own set of concerns. I'm worried my new insurance will have 1 year requirement with an OB/Gyn before being referred to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist).  I'm afraid that I won't find one that I like or that isn't as driven to find an answer as we(I) are.  My current gynecologist is turning out to be that way.  I guess I can't blame him considering he's not in the IF business.  I'm also a little nervous, but hopeful, that if I have to see another OB/Gyn or start with a RE, that they will redo many of the tests already performed.  It would be great to have an correct updated version but I worry that we would be 50% oop (out of pocket) for tests we didn't have to pay a dime for previously.  This just reminds me that IF is a lot of work.

And lastly, this weekend Babe's cousin N welcomed her beautiful baby girl into the family.  I've yet to meet her but her pictures are really adorable and she looks so much like her daddy.  People can say what they want but no baby I've seen to date looks like a potato.  They all have such distinct features from day one.  

A couple of nights ago I was lying in bed and realized I hadn't taken my meds for the night.  Since babe was walking around, I asked if he wouldn't mind grabbing them for me.  I explained how many of each I needed and where to find them.  As he was opening the folic acid bottle he asked what it was for.  I explained to him that should I become pregnant it would help with the baby's brain development.  As soon as I said it I laughed thinking it was such a strange thing to be doing.  It's important, don't get me wrong, and I won't stop taking it as long as we're trying.  It's just dawned on me though that I've been taking it for almost 2 years now with "if" in mind.  I've been preparing for this for quite sometime and even before the folic acid came along.  I remember leaving the hospital the day we met my nephew on my husbands side for the first time.  I remember my husband being so excited about him and talking about wanting to have one of his own soon.  I remember plotting out a timeline when we would stop using birth control, not sooner than we were ready though because we could conceive right away.  It's all so strange this IF thing.  

I'm starting to realize I'm not so good at blogging.  While I'm on my 4/40 schedule I'm already only posting 4 days a week.  Lately as you can probably tell it's been maybe a couple of times a week at most.  So I think, just like our IF life, I'm going to temporarily step away.  At least while there aren't constant updates to be made.  I still really want to use this as an IF journal but nothing is really happening on that front.  In the next month my company should be providing paperwork for open enrollment at which time we'll change at least my insurance carrier.  In the meantime, I'll try to check in every now and then with something other than the weekend play-by-play.  

It's Monday and I'm reluctantly back at work with a case of the "wish-the-weekend-was-longer" blues.  It was amazing in so many different ways.  The only thing that could have been better was seeing our best friends and spending time with my mom.  But I've vowed to do that all very soon.

Friday I received an early morning phone call from my sister.  At first I was a little perturbed since both Babe and I were asleep and I was excited about sleeping in.  Unfortunately sleeping in for me was to crash for another 15-30 minutes before returning her call.  Apparently she had scheduled a doctors appointment at the same time my nephew has his swim lessons.  Since Babe and I were the cause of him ditching last week, I figured it would be a good excuse to make the 30 mile drive to Pasadena to spend the morning with him.  It was a short trip but I'm so glad I made it.  The drive was definitely worth seeing that little face and hearing all his goofy stories.  Then later that day as I was running errands I got a text from my father-in-law asking if I wanted to see a movie with him since I had the day off.  We went to see Lucy which was ridiculous and not in a urban dictionary sort of way.  Once Babe was home, we made a last minute decision to go have dinner with some friends and visit a few breweries.  We started off in Anaheim at Noble Aleworks and found our way to Bottle Logic.  Although the guys were great at the first, Bottle Logic was definitely my favorite of the two.  They had a really nice selection in ales and great atmosphere.  

Our only plans for Saturday were to get up early and go yard-saling to look for a treadmill.  After 3 hours, no luck and picking up my father-in-law to join us on our quest, we finally stopped to have breakfast.  With nothing else to do we ran some fun errands to Home Depot and Bed, Bath and Beyond.  Let me tell you something about me.  Shopping for clothes is not my thing.  I can however shop for hours and spend hundreds in a home improvement store.  I've even been known to go 9 different times in one week to finish a project.  I LOVE IT!  Anyway, we walked out with a cart full of stuff for the yard and around the house which I promptly began to work on as soon as we got home.  The rest of the day consisted of swimming, lounging around the house, trying out a new Thai joint by our house (which reminds me I have to review on Yelp) and watching Netflix shows to our hearts content.  And holy Blackfish!  That was just as awful as The Cove.  If you don't know what I'm talking about look it up.  

The next morning we got to work cleaning the house to have Babe's dad, brother and his family over to swim.  It was fun getting to play with the kids and catch up with everyone all together.  By the time they left, Babe and I were hungry and exhausted.  

Now I'm sitting here having husband withdrawals and planning the next month of weekends.  Oh yeah, and searching the web for Beagle rescues trying to convince my husband.