34th Day

I have a wild imagination.  One little thing can tip it off and suddenly I am running various scenarios in my head.  The what-ifs are common for most people, especially IFers.  Last night as I got ready for bed and looked over my charts for the day I realized, I'm supposed to start my period today.  My cycles, which are pretty timely run about 34 days long and have only varied one other time in the last 18 months.  By now though, I'm used to having cramps, cravings, headaches, the whole nine yards in the week before and light spotting in the two days leading up to it.  Then I start to think, have I had any pregnancy symptoms?  Well my nipples have been sore for over a week, I'm more exhausted than usual and I was nauseous morning before last.  Nothing that would have me stop in my tracks though.  

Instead of talking myself down right away I begin to fantasize.  If I were pregnant now, would I have a boy or a girl? My sister-in-law just had a girl and my sister is about to have a boy.  Either way he/she would be less than a year younger than its new cousins.  When would I be due?  Probably around the end of November.  Wait, we just booked our vacation at the beginning of November.  The airlines won't let me fly that late would they?  Would they let me cancel?   Could we reschedule and just take him/her with us?  How old do pediatricians recommend your baby be before they can travel?  Would it be smart, we may not enjoy ourselves having an infant with us.  Oh hey, he/she would be here in time for Christmas and all the fun that comes along with it.  

This line of thinking felt like it went on for hours until I finally caught myself and realized how truly silly it all sounded. The reality is, I'm probably not pregnant.  As I said, it's been a year and a half and we've only truly had one pregnancy scare/hope one time and that was over a year ago.  My body doesn't feel any different than normal except for the lack of PMS symptoms I usually get which could really start at any time.  It makes me wonder though, will I ever have the feeling of being pregnant and like many other moms, just know that's it's really happening?  Will I ever be able to make a pregnancy announcement to my husband and us to our family and friends?  Will the questions about when we're going to start our family ever get easier?  

For now I just have to keep looking forward and tell myself things might be turning around.  Looking forward to actually starting my period so that I can finally schedule my HSG, begin my metformin and take on this next cycle like it's my bitch.  Because that is what I have to work with and that's okay for now.  


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