Not who I want to be

It's an unfortunate side of IF.  The stab in your gut you feel when someone younger than you, married less time than you, less stable than you, but anyone really, announces their pregnancy.  If you're like me your first instinct is to be happy for that person.  For the life they're creating and the joy they possess.  Then it settles a little bit and you realize you're going to be there to watch them announce, grow and plan.  Jealousy?  I'm not sure that's the word for it. Although it's probably the closest description there is.  For me it's something a little bit different.  It's guilt that my body can't do what theirs just did.  Pain that you can't be doing it with them, not necessarily instead of them.  Uneasiness that you've now checked 14 people off the list who can get pregnant before you and you're still sitting there getting older. Most times that's my second reaction.  Today that was my first.  What have I become?  Have I really become so hardened to another persons happiness when I know that if the tables were turned they would hug and cheer me on? As time goes on it's getting harder and harder to see the good.  


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