I'm here.  I'm reading and I'm thinking about everything and everyone.  It's a touchy subject though being pregnant on an IF blog.  I don't know if avoiding is the right way to navigate this new world or if information is.  What I will say is I totally understand if dropping me from your regular list of blog reads is necessary to keep your sanity.  I've been there. What I've debated mostly is how to maintain this blog while staying true to the mission I had when I first started. Sharing the truth of my feelings and allowing myself a space to explore them.  I'm sorry if I hurt any feelings along the way and hope and pray that you're all not far behind me.  I've attempted to separate blog posts from IF to pregnancy with no luck.  I'll have to do some more digging because my Blogger dashboard isn't functioning properly for me.  In the meantime I will try to be as honest as possible while still being sensitive to anyone who may need it.  With that being said, I'm staying put.  

So this whole pregnancy after infertility is really screwing with my head.  My first HCG blood draw was 222 and 14dpIUI, my second a week later was 2607, his heartbeat was 117 bpm at 6 weeks and at that time was measuring just a couple days behind.  Those are all great numbers but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I'm happy, don't get me wrong.  I'm incredibly happy.  It just seems too good to be true.  The reality though is that our bean is extremely healthy and doing everything a baby bean should do.  What I need to do is keep thinking positive.  Keep appreciating all the good that has come from this.  There's nothing significant during this pregnancy that makes any of my doctor's think this is anything but a take home baby and all the worrying in the world won't make the outcome any different.  So my goal is to relish in the fact that life is growing inside me.  Hope for the best and enjoy every second of any discomfort I may be feeling.  Because in the end we have a miracle on the way.  

I've been dreaming about writing this post from the day I began blogging.  What would I say?  How could I, knowing the struggles of dealing with IF, tread lightly?  And really there's no one perfect answer.  What I do know is this, there will be some people that are happy for us and others who may not be and that's okay.  I've been and am still there sometimes and everyone is entitled to their feelings.  

So without further adieu, Babe and I are happy to announce WE'RE HAVING A BABY!

You've all read the nitty gritty about our struggles and what it took to get here.  It was long, weary and so very painful but in the end it's paid off.  On Thursday, the 11th I was awake from 1-4 with either really massive morning sickness or bad Mexican food.  As the morning wore on and I became more delirious I was convinced it couldn't be anything else but me being pregnant and every now and then coming to my senses that we had only a 5% chance to conceive this cycle.  I had always planned on testing in the morning but told Eric I wouldn't test until we were at home together that evening.  So after a couple hours of fitful sleep I finally drug myself into the restroom armed with one First Response and one digital pregnancy test.  In seconds I could see the first line start to pink.  The first line!  The left one!  The one that never turns pink.  To make sure my eyes weren't playing any tricks I quickly dipped the digital test in my cup and began to cry.  It turns out 5% was all we needed.  

To keep the illusion up I quickly got dressed for work and told Babe I had a lot of work and was going in early.  I kissed him goodbye in his oblivious state and went on my way.  After calling the RE to schedule my beta test I ran down to the nearest lab and had my blood drawn.  Then on my way back into work stopped by Target for a "Daddy Loves Me" onsie and early Father's Day card.  The rest of the day was spent in a blur.  But around 2:00 my RE's office called me back.  I was definitely pregnant with a HCG of 222 and progesterone between 50 and 60.  

By the end of the day I'd hoped that Babe would be late as usual, just this once.  Instead he called me at precisely 5:00 to say he wasn't going to miss me peeing on a stick.  After convincing him that we needed to get some yardwork/housework done before the sun went down and that once we were relaxed I would do the deed, he finally left me alone for a few minutes giving me the chance to do what I'd been planning all along.  After about 5 minutes I called him in the house to say that the paint we'd purchased looked a little funny on the new wall and could he take a look.  He stepped one foot in the room and couldn't believe what he was seeing.

It's been a whirlwind weekend since then telling our parents and siblings.  Everyone has been excited that there's finally a little DD baby coming along knowing our struggles to bring him here.  I only hope that the next nine months are as boring as possible so we can bring the little bean home.  

This TWW seems to be going slower now that we're only two days away.  I haven't usually been one to stress about this part of it but ever since Sunday I've been dying to test.  Originally we had planned just a handful of things to keep us busy, most of which consisted of movies that were coming out in the theaters.  Plus since I'm a book fiend E took me to the bookstore the Wednesday of IUI #1 to pick up a few new ones.  Thankfully with our impending move, there's lots to be done around the house which has left very little time to read.

So for our TWW we have gone to see Pitch Perfect 2, gone to see Aloha, caught up on the Jurassic Park trilogy in preparation for Jurassic World Friday, gone to Home Depot about a hundred times, celebrated three birthdays, watched Game of Thrones twice, had two meetings with our realtor, painted and replaced some facia boards in the house, re-grouted a portion of the bathroom and lastly filled in a wall opening, puttied and texturized it.  In fact, here are some pictures of Babe working on the wall.  I gotta say, my handyman is hot.  

 

Now if only I can get through the next couple of days without going insane I think it will be a good two weeks.

4 times, that's how many times I've been asked a variation of if I'm pregnant or not in the last week.  As if I haven't put enough stress on myself people have to go and add more. Here's the thing, no one comes out to ask those exact words so that they can't be blamed.  I know this because when I finally called out the fourth person in front of the first person neither of them recognized that they asked such an inappropriate question.  So can we please all just agree that any form of asking if someone is pregnant is bad form, off limits, should never be uttered.  Here are a few creative ways not to ask someone if they are pregnant.  

• Is there something you want to tell us?  Seems innocent enough but you know what you mean and they definitely know what you mean.  So stop, just stop.
• Do you feel pregnant?  No I feel like punching you in the face.  
• Are you wearing maternity pants? What, no!  And now you're calling me fat so thank you for that double gut punch.  
• Are you craving that because...?  I'm having a craving because I'm human.  Pregnant women aren't the only people who have cravings.
• So why aren't you drinking?  Because it's none of your business.  But if you must know, I don't need to be a lush to prove I'm not pregnant. 
• And lastly the tummy rub.  NEVER, NEVER, EVER reach for another woman's stomach to insinuate she might be pregnant unless she's given you permission.  First off I've never been one to understand strangers reaching for your stomach anyways but it's even more humiliating when you're not carrying a child.  

So rather than try to hint around asking someone if they're pregnant, just wait until they bring the subject up.  It's safer for you if you never ask these questions to another human being.  

P.S. All of the above have actually happened to me.  So yeah, that's not embarrassing at all.

Since we've become public with our IF struggles, Babe and I have been overwhelmed with so much support from our friends and family that we even decided to talk about going through our first IUI.  It was a quick decision actually.  My husband answered a question for us and from that moment on we decided to be pretty open about it.  Since then I've been nervous about having to go back and tell all those people if/when we end up not pregnant after this.  BUT I'd hoped people would be adults about it and respect that we would tell them if/when we become pregnant.  Our plan has always been to let those closest to us in on the secret and once we pass the a first trimester to let everyone else know.

What I didn't expect was that by sharing these intimate details of our lives that people we aren't close to would constantly ask for pregnancy updates.  I feel like I can't blame anyone but myself since we became so open.  The first time it happened it caught me off guard.  My coworker knew I was out for a doctors appointment and when I arrived in asked if I had any good news to share.  There are so many things I wish I would have said but all I could muster was "if I did I'll tell you when I'm ready".   The second time may have been fueled by alcohol but I doubt made that big of a difference.  I was left reliving the conversation and wishing I'd said all the rude things that slipped my mind the first time.  Like, do you really think you'd be the first to know?  No, are you?  I'm not but I hope you feel better by reminding me of that.  

I guess prying and unsolicited stories/advice come with the territory.  Thankfully my support system is much stronger than the rest of the idiots out there.