It's an unfortunate side of IF.  The stab in your gut you feel when someone younger than you, married less time than you, less stable than you, but anyone really, announces their pregnancy.  If you're like me your first instinct is to be happy for that person.  For the life they're creating and the joy they possess.  Then it settles a little bit and you realize you're going to be there to watch them announce, grow and plan.  Jealousy?  I'm not sure that's the word for it. Although it's probably the closest description there is.  For me it's something a little bit different.  It's guilt that my body can't do what theirs just did.  Pain that you can't be doing it with them, not necessarily instead of them.  Uneasiness that you've now checked 14 people off the list who can get pregnant before you and you're still sitting there getting older. Most times that's my second reaction.  Today that was my first.  What have I become?  Have I really become so hardened to another persons happiness when I know that if the tables were turned they would hug and cheer me on? As time goes on it's getting harder and harder to see the good.  

This weekend I was able to sit and speak candidly with my new OB/Gyn about my endometriosis concerns.  I'd tried to have this conversation with my last Gyn but if I remember correctly I was too nervous to remember to bring it up during my one and only visit.  Regardless, I'd shared my symptoms with my RE who admittedly does not know much about endo to offer his help but recommended I speak with my doctor about it and keep him informed so he could be involved.  I'd scheduled my appointment about a month ago and on Saturday lugged all of my relevant records and test results to his office.

Dr. J had kindly looked at my charts prior to me even stepping foot in the door which I was very thankful for.  Without even introducing myself to him he already knew of my history rather than catching himself up for the duration of our meeting.  I was very open and straight forward with him.  I believe I have endo and I'm concerned that if it doesn't get resolved I will never have a chance to conceive naturally considering I only feel ovulation on my left side and if  I do become pregnant am afraid of the likelihood of an ectopic pregnancy in my left tube.  What can I do before we proceed with an IUI?  He was frank.  Endo cannot be removed from fallopian tubes without causing even more damage to them.  Even the act of putting the camera in me could cause even more adhesions and scar tissue.  My left tube should be considered non-existent.  It's possible an extra sensitive ovary is being mistaken for ovulation pain and that I am in fact ovulating on the right.  Considering the ways to diagnose and treat endo are counterproductive to conceiving, Dr. J encouraged E and I to move forward with the IUI.  He was generous in saying that  if I truly wanted him to proceed with treatment now he would, but he feels I have better chances with an IUI now than if I would wait to be treated.  His suggestion is that if after 3 IUI cycles I still want to move forward, he would feel more comfortable treating me then.  

It was a relief to get that appointment out of the way.  For someone who's had two and a half years to study my condition, it felt nice to have an educated conversation with a doctor and not feel disregarded.  Doctors are so used to being the expert in every medical field that when you come to them with information it often time results in being blown off.  With Dr. J and with Dr. N, my RE, I don't feel that way at all.  I'm genuinely looking forward to having them on our side.  

It's been a helluva week but we've at least gotten better at it.  Babe and I had a heart to heart about all that we've been taking on lately.  Thankfully he saw where I was coming from and promised to communicate (there it is again) better. Communication is what we fight about most and it such an easy fix.  E's promised that he will tell me before his pain is too unbearable.  What good does it do when we're hours from home and can't do anything about it?  I on the other hand have been very snappy with him lately.  I'm beyond stressed and I'm taking it out on him.  He's been nothing but sweet and trying to be helpful and I've been nothing but bitchy to him.  It's not been my proudest moment.  He's exhausted all possibilities and has no idea how to handle me lately.  So we're hitting refresh.  Since we've talked I've been a much kinder person, not just to him but everyone.  Or at least that has been my goal.  

E had his knee surgery on Thursday afternoon.  It was a long day for him but at least it's over and he's slowly on his way to recovery.  Poor guy has been stuck in bed pretty much the last 4 days.  The pain is subsiding but he's still pretty unstable.  Plus because of his pain meds, he's been in and out of it almost the whole time.  Although last night he decided he didn't like the feeling and will probably be weaning himself from them.  On the other hand, his whole family has come to visit him, even putting up with Roxy and I.  But with today being my first day back at work I'm more than a little nervous leaving them home together alone.  I'm hoping they're both alive when I get home.

There's no way to describe how stressed and overwhelmed I'm feeling lately.  I'm trying to keep calm and roll with the punches but the punches keep on changing.

Last night I was frustrated about having to go out for the second of three times this week.  First off, going out is no easy feat.  It takes a lot of preparation on our end with cars, Eric getting ready and taking care of the puppy.  Plus the more moving around, the worse Eric's pain becomes.  I wish we didn't have to go out, but it was important for our family for us to be with them. 

As we were getting ready I started to think "doesn't anyone understand how busy we are" but quickly brushed the thought away because unlike my in-laws, we aren't the ones with kids.  Only they should be this busy right?  Sure on the surface that's true.  So what about Eric's injury and the fact that he can't stand for long periods of time or move around too much.  That the drive in the car needs to be much slower than usual to avoid bumps which hurt his knee. How about the crazy busy days at work we're both still having with no time to relax in the evening because there's too much to do.  There's cleaning up, doing laundry, taking care of Roxy and making sure she's not being forgotten.  Plus her vet visits, Eric's doctors, lab, hospital visits.  Not to mention prepping for Eric's surgery and my pending medical procedures.  And to top it all off we're in the midst of a very stressful refi during a month where every weekend is taken up by family birthdays.

After ticking these off in my head I began to get even more frustrated.  People keep offering help but in ways I can't use.  I appreciate the sentiment but what would really help if we could be let off the hook for three weekly visits.  Or maybe if someone offered to do my dishes or take the dog for an afternoon.  Maybe we took on more than we should have the last couple of weeks.  It would be nice though to have a minute of down time with my husband.  

So we hoped that the news was going to be "quick recovery with no surgery".  Instead Babe has been told that his knee injury resulted in a dislocated knee cap, fracture with a floating chip and a torn ligament which will all need surgery to repair.  Poor guy has had to walk like this for over a week, now I completely understand why he's been in so much pain even though I can't even fathom what it's like.  

His orthopedic surgeon told him that in order to repair his ligament, they'll need to find a donated one and hopefully go in arthroscopically next Thursday.  My biggest concern will be that this happens again.  Apparently that's what they're trying to avoid.  All we can do is pray that it goes as expected.