I'm a failure.  And I don't even have a baby at home yet.

I feel like no matter what I do it will never be enough.  Everyday I wake up, take my medication, get ready for work and go to a job that pays the bills.  That's it.  It's not glamorous, it's not even rewarding, but it has incredible benefits and I know what I'm doing.  My green padded walls make the DMV look like Disneyland.  But I trek on.  Most weekdays I'm also researching for when our little one arrives.  Where are the best nurseries, are they affordable, is there a wait-list, do we need a tour? What crib, stroller, diapers are the best and most affordable?  What gestational diabetes meal plans are recommended while I wait for my referrals?  When should I start a birth plan and how?

Each day I have a decision to make.  I'm not hungry, no this pregnancy has all anti-symptoms, but I eat still.  Small portions so as not to feel sick and healthy to make sure my blood sugar is where it should be.  I do this for breakfast, lunch and dinner because I need to be healthier more now than I've ever been.  When I get home I try to get dinner started which I do about 80% of the time and again it's always fairly healthy.  Plus it's within budget so we can save money for childcare coming up soon.  I try to be active with my dog because I don't want her to be sad.  Sometimes that means going for a walk but I'll be honest it's not every day.  

Then there comes a time where we decide if we're doing housework any particular night.  Does the baby's room need furniture built, something need to be cleaned up, laundry washed and folded?  Am I demanding too much of my husband who needs down time of his own.  Maybe he should play video games, I'd rather be the one to put the changing table together anyways.  

Sometimes our week includes family get-togethers that last much longer than they should.  But remember I have no pregnancy symptoms so what do I have to complain about for walking all day or being out all night?  I'm told I need to milk being pregnant but I'm a fighter and am trying to do things as usual.  

Every weekend I've been attempting to a yoga class not only to stay healthy but for some me time.  Time I can shut off my phone and zone out.  It's only an hour but it helps.  Most weekends also include grocery shopping.  Remember to be healthy, remember to keep it cheap.  Then there's the endless shopping trips to prepare the house for baby and to complete our move-in.  I wanted both these things so I shouldn't complain.  And if I'm honest with myself I want to clean every weekend but it seems futile.  One minute the whole house is clean and the next it literally looks like a tornado has gone through our living room.  Then again there's more work that I should be doing.  I can't leave painting solely to my husband, what about helping out on the shelving in all the closets, rearranging furniture?  

This is life for everyone, everywhere.  I just wish sometimes someone would say "Thank you, you're doing a fabulous job".  Instead I'm left apologizing to the baby for not being healthy enough, being stressed, tired, angry and emotional. But I'm having the perfect pregnancy so no one should see all of that.

There's no longer denying, I have gestational diabetes.  Let me start with my doctor's visit.  Leading up to this appointment, especially since the last one, I've been trying to grasp what could be for me and my little one over the next 4 months.  So when my OB reviewed my blood sugar levels and told me they were bad it wasn't as difficult to hear this time around.  He explained it to me this way: my placenta is creating a lot more insulin than I usually get and my body cannot regulate it.  My diet, albeit good, isn't really doing anything nor is Metformin which I am currently maxed out on.  He was very blunt but also very kind, not mincing any words yet keeping it professional.  

Babe was at the appointment with me so he heard first hand my new plan.  We'll have to continue to go to the perinatologists office that I hate but I'm going to try my best not to be seen my Dr. Rude if I can help it.  E also promised me that he would be at every visit and speak up when necessary.  I feel much more at ease this time around and am just hoping Bean turns out healthy.  We only have 16 weeks to go before this little guy makes his or her arrival and if a few sacrifices here and there ensure his safe arrival, I'm all for it.

***WARNING- triggers mentioned***

Today is my monthly OB checkup.  It's also been a month since we saw our Bean on the ultrasound monitor during our very stressful anatomy scan visit.  But as time has passed, I've felt the anxiety of seeing my baby once more lessen.  That is until last nights nightmare that pales in comparison to any fear I've had this entire pregnancy.  It may have been triggered by watching a certain TV show last night or the fact that my office is wearing pink in solidarity to honor our coworkers daughter today.  Whatever caused it, I hope it never happens again.

Like many past bad dreams, I woke this morning trying to remind myself that it was just a dream.  That my Bean is alive and healthy, growing strong in my belly.  It took everything in me to fight back tears a couple of times already. Thankfully this little spitfire is proving to me just how lively he can be.  Again, welcome kicks, punches and head butts to my abdomen that I wouldn't trade for the world in this moment.  As much as I'm scared of the images my mind conjured last night, I'm very much in love with this little being inside of me.

For years Babe and I have planned for our family and for years we were left with empty arms.  So when the surprise of a lifetime was given to us we already knew exactly what we were going to name him or her.  After all, we had years to discuss it.  That's what we thought anyway.  For a girl we chose a name I have loved all of my life and E was happy to jump on board.  It wasn't hard to convince him of the unconventional spelling, not obnoxious just rarely used.  And of course she would have her late grandma's name as her middle name.  When it came to naming a boy we'd always gone back and forth and soon decided on a less common name with ties to Disney (that's right, E is a huge Disney fan).  His middle name would have more than one family tie, it would be for his late great grandfather, his uncles on both our sides and so on.  

Then the other night we were sitting at dinner and E decided to tell me he wasn't too fond of our boy name.  That it was okay but that he wasn't in love with it.  Me too!  It wasn't that big of a deal for either of us so it's no surprise that we'd never discussed it before but now it was on the table again.  We talked about all sorts of other names, most vetoed by the other until we finally decided on one that we both love.  

Now don't get me wrong, we aren't planning on making one of the biggest decisions in our child's life in just a couple of hours.  However the new name is currently on the top of the list.  In the meantime we're trying it on for size to see if it's really the best out there.  So far, it's pretty darn good.

He's the size of a baseball hat!  Yes, that's right, no fruit sizing here.  A few months ago I came across this sizing chart comparing him to a toy soldier, a game boy and a baseball glove, all things E can relate to.  It's easier than saying he's the size of an heirloom tomato which vary in size and aren't an everyday food item in the DD household.  So this week, 21 weeks to be exact, our little bean is the size of a baseball cap and growing more and more each day.  

The kicks and the punches to my internal organs are at this moment a welcome treat that I get multiple times a day. I'm starting to notice what positions he either hates or loves because he's either ninja jabbing me to move or celebrating in his own little party.  And almost every morning when I wake up I linger just a few minutes longer in bed because like clockwork I receive one or two little stretches that say good morning and start my day off in ways I never imagined.  

Roxy I think is starting to notice the difference.  She's realizing lately that if she wants to cuddle the only way that can be accomplished is if I'm laying on my side on the couch and she lays/sleeps behind me.  There's no longer enough room in front of me for both her and the baby.  

Preparation for the baby's arrival is well under way and I'm starting to understand how much work is really involved. We've started our search for a day care facility since I will have to go back to work when Bean is 4 months.  It's really been an eye opener looking at the cost and comparisons of each.  Don't forget the need for you to be on a waiting list for some and requirement to take a tour for others.  Thankfully Babe is most worried about child care so he's willing to do a little extra work in this area.  

I've also begun researching registry items and asking friends their loves and hates.  It's great when you find a friend who has very similar ideas about what is needed and what isn't.  Remember E's cousin N I wrote about at the beginning of my blog.  Well she's pregnant with her second right now and she's been a great resource.  The bonus is her and her husband research the heck out of things just like we do and she's been sharing a lot of her resources with us at the same time not being too pushy.  It's been so helpful.  

And since we're in the new home we can finally start working on the nursery!  Babe and I finished painting the walls light gray and finally decided on a theme if you will.  We're going to decorate it with the circus in mind.  Pinterest has some of the cutest ideas that will help bring our vision to life and made it easier for us to both be on the same page. Hopefully my expectations aren't too high and I can get all of these done like this elephant mural that's too darn adorable and reminds me of Jumbo and Dumbo, this fun take on barrel of monkeys, this bright painted banner to bring a little extra color to the room and lastly this super cute homemade felt circus mobile.  Now that I write that all out I'm not so sure 4 months is enough to get through them all.

All that going on but the most exciting of all is the classes we've already scheduled.  We're planners and so it was awesome that our hospital not only recommended what time frame we should do them in but also allowed us to schedule them as far out as September.  So on the calendar already is our hospital tour so we can start to visualize exactly where everything is going to happen.  Then we have a 5 week labor class to help me and Babe plan for unmedicated labor.  And lastly is our infant/child CPR class.  We should probably do a refresher for adults too but at least we'll have one in the books for the littlest one in our life.  

Looking at this list I'm so thankful one of my symptoms hasn't been fatigue.  It's all so overwhelming but I know in the end it'll be such a huge payoff.  Now keep cooking little bean while we get everything ready for you.