Trying

I'm a failure.  And I don't even have a baby at home yet.

I feel like no matter what I do it will never be enough.  Everyday I wake up, take my medication, get ready for work and go to a job that pays the bills.  That's it.  It's not glamorous, it's not even rewarding, but it has incredible benefits and I know what I'm doing.  My green padded walls make the DMV look like Disneyland.  But I trek on.  Most weekdays I'm also researching for when our little one arrives.  Where are the best nurseries, are they affordable, is there a wait-list, do we need a tour? What crib, stroller, diapers are the best and most affordable?  What gestational diabetes meal plans are recommended while I wait for my referrals?  When should I start a birth plan and how?

Each day I have a decision to make.  I'm not hungry, no this pregnancy has all anti-symptoms, but I eat still.  Small portions so as not to feel sick and healthy to make sure my blood sugar is where it should be.  I do this for breakfast, lunch and dinner because I need to be healthier more now than I've ever been.  When I get home I try to get dinner started which I do about 80% of the time and again it's always fairly healthy.  Plus it's within budget so we can save money for childcare coming up soon.  I try to be active with my dog because I don't want her to be sad.  Sometimes that means going for a walk but I'll be honest it's not every day.  

Then there comes a time where we decide if we're doing housework any particular night.  Does the baby's room need furniture built, something need to be cleaned up, laundry washed and folded?  Am I demanding too much of my husband who needs down time of his own.  Maybe he should play video games, I'd rather be the one to put the changing table together anyways.  

Sometimes our week includes family get-togethers that last much longer than they should.  But remember I have no pregnancy symptoms so what do I have to complain about for walking all day or being out all night?  I'm told I need to milk being pregnant but I'm a fighter and am trying to do things as usual.  

Every weekend I've been attempting to a yoga class not only to stay healthy but for some me time.  Time I can shut off my phone and zone out.  It's only an hour but it helps.  Most weekends also include grocery shopping.  Remember to be healthy, remember to keep it cheap.  Then there's the endless shopping trips to prepare the house for baby and to complete our move-in.  I wanted both these things so I shouldn't complain.  And if I'm honest with myself I want to clean every weekend but it seems futile.  One minute the whole house is clean and the next it literally looks like a tornado has gone through our living room.  Then again there's more work that I should be doing.  I can't leave painting solely to my husband, what about helping out on the shelving in all the closets, rearranging furniture?  

This is life for everyone, everywhere.  I just wish sometimes someone would say "Thank you, you're doing a fabulous job".  Instead I'm left apologizing to the baby for not being healthy enough, being stressed, tired, angry and emotional. But I'm having the perfect pregnancy so no one should see all of that.