Sometimes I just wish someone would ask me if I'm okay or how things are going with the doctor.  It makes me sad that they're either too fearful or don't care.  I want to be able to talk about it and share the good and the bad without having to make a pregnancy announcement.  Little victories are still victories and I want to be able to tell my friends and family.  

I've tried my hardest these last two years not to let our difficulties get in the way of relationships.  To be honest, other than a few quiet unfriendings to FB acquaintances I think I've done a pretty good job.  And it's not like I'm just sitting around waiting for people to ask me.  I try to bring it up so it's not such a taboo topic and people feel comfortable but not too much that people are sick of hearing about it.  It's a tricky thing to balance but I'm doing it, we're doing it.  It's just that I feel like I'm crying out sometimes but no one can hear me.

Here's a little tip if you ever go paintballing, take your glasses off before putting on the mask.  Otherwise they may get stuck in the mask and you'll wind up leaving them at the paintball park before you even realize they're gone. Yesterday, because it was time and because I need new glasses before my trip, I made an appointment with my eye doctor.  It was quite possibly the best time I've ever had at any doctor. 

Since I'm being treated for diabetes by my PCP, I got my eyes dilated for the first time.  Man that is a trippy experience. To top it off, I had totally forgotten that my work offers a free pair of glasses in addition to regular insurance, if your glasses are for computer usage and your job requires a lot of it.  That meant I got to pick out two pairs while my vision was quickly deteriorating.  It probably wasn't the best idea to choose them in that state but thankfully Babe helped after I figured out how to send picture texts to him of my selections.  I decided to use my free pair as my normal glasses and my insurance pair as polarized sunglasses.  As my doctor and the receptionist were adding up my out of pocket costs I seriously began to second guess my decision.  By the end the doctor simply said, "okay, you're all taken care of".  Wait, what!?  Not only was everything going to be covered but even my copay was waived.  AMAZING!  I seriously couldn't thank them enough for putting up with all my craziness.  

Then this morning Babe and I got notice that all of our tours were approved for DC!  We'll be going to the White House on Saturday morning then Library of Congress and US Capital on Veteran's day.  If you think I'm excited you should see Babe.  He never thought he'd have a chance to visit DC let alone walk in the White House.  I'm so happy for him.  

This week is a damn good week.

Last night as we were getting ready for bed, Babe decided to put Guy Code on.  Shortly after the intro, they began the first topic, "pregnancy scare".  Without saying anything, he picked up the remote and changed the channel.  It broke my heart.  Times like that I realize my stoic husband has heartache just like me.  That there is a loss in his life.  

Later that day we talked a little bit about our IF.  For the first time I truly realized that his fears are the same as mine. I'm terrified of being an awful mother unable to hold up to all the things I promise to do now.  Like not being pregnant and having kids really is because it's meant to be.  I hate that phrase.  But I'm also scared of it and apparently so is he.  

Wednesday night was a step in the right direction for us.  We'd attended a fertility seminar by a local RE.  At it, they were giving away free initial consultations with the RE and raffling $1000 worth of treatments.  Unfortunately we weren't the winners, but at least we learned some new valuable information.  It was also nice having Babe sitting beside me instead of me relaying information which is what normally happens.  In fact I asked him afterwards what if anything he learned for the first time.  His first response was "that the guy next to me had a huge ass" because he had to sit partially on my chair making me hang off the edge.  Lol.  The second was that he needed to cut down on drinking.  Mind you I've told him the same thing a ton of few times but all of a sudden the Dr. tells him and he's on it. WTF!  At least I can be thankful that he sees it now.  

My appointment with my new RE is officially set for December 3rd.  I'm so excited and nervous all at the same time. Today felt really great filling out a questionnaire that actually had IF related tests and terms on it.  It's the first time I've been asked about the length of my periods, the pain I endure, testing for progesterone, etc.  Mostly it feels surreal after two years to finally be at this point.  I know there's a long road ahead of us with more testing and possibly treatments before we can realize our dream of parenthood.  I'm just so excited to be at another major step.  

Thankfully there's so much going on between birthdays, baptisms, weddings and vacations to make the next 6 weeks fly by.

In honor of angel babies and the mothers, fathers and families who love them.

How could I forget?  Tonight is such a big deal for us and for some reason I've gone all morning without thinking about it.  It was probably a good thing because now that I remember tonight is our RE seminar I'm a little anxious.  For nothing of course since we don't even have a consult booked yet.  The greatest part about tonight is that we'll be given a free initial consult just for attending as well as be put into a raffle for $1000 worth of free fertility treatments at their office.  How exciting would that be!  

Yesterday I finally received a call back from my Gyn's office regarding my medical records.  Unfortunately I didn't have my medical records right in front of me so I could only go off of memory.  The office manager claimed she couldn't see the information I was talking about and didn't know why my Dr. never reviewed my tests with me.  Then she proceeded to tell me that I had indicated on my paperwork that I'd received an "office positive blood pregnancy test". She did however offer me a chance to sit down with the Dr. on staff to review my HSG & ultrasounds.  Today when I looked up the forms she was talking about, I could clearly see that there was not even an option to claim I had a positive blood test.  Needless to say, I have no intention of returning to the office after that.  

So now, I count down until I can finally be treated with proper care and can hopefully find out what is slowing us down from having babies of our own.  2 months 16 days.

Two days of nothing to read and I felt like I was going through withdrawals.  So last night, Babe and I went to the bookstore where we narrowed down my selections.  I couldn't decide between 8 different books and so we laid them all out while he gave me his suggestions.  Note that the Bible was actually a gift for our niece.  Anyway, according to him, I always complain after reading a Steven King book so that was nixed.  He thought The Distant Hours and Life After Life were both a little lame and set aside four of the five books I ended up taking home.  Can I tell you how much I love these trips.

After an hour in the store I finally decided on "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time" by Mark Haddon, "And Then There Were None" by Agatha Christie, "The Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood, "The Thirteenth Tale" by Diane Setterfield and "In Cold Blood" by Truman Capote.  I've actually chosen to start off with "In Cold Blood" and I'm a little intrigued but that seems slightly demented.

I'm really excited about them all and can't wait to dive in.  Babe of course thinks it'll take me about a week to get through all of them but I give it a month.  

This weekend I started a new book that I'm liking a lot so far.  It's called The Kitchen House by Kathleen Grissom.  When we were in the bookstore buying it, Babe kept suggesting other books I should read and noted that he can now pick what I might like without asking.  Sure enough, many that he showed me are on my Amazon wish list for future reading.  

As for the last book, And The Mountains Echoed was decent but definitely not my favorite of Khaled Hosseini's.  **Spoiler alert**  The story was piece parted together with little stories of one family and their origins.  It jumped between 3 generations and different members quite frequently which surprisingly wasn't difficult to follow.  What I didn't like was that many of the stories were left unfinished by the time the book was finished.  Again, I don't need a tidy ending, just something to tie them all together.  I'm glad I read it, but I was expecting so much more.  

I took the plunge today and signed up for medical insurance through my employer.  Over the last month I called, I questioned, I priced and I planned which of our options would be best for this upcoming year.  With all of that, there are still a ton of unknowns and last minute decisions that still may be made.  The decision though, has made me super ecstatic considering it all kind of fell into place.  

Once my choices were narrowed down to two, I gave my potential RE's office a call to see which they accepted. Turns out, the cheapest option of all of them is the only insurance they will accept. What's even better, is that my portion is 100% free and Babe's is only about $39 a month!  Can you believe that?  How many people can say they have free insurance?  

The new insurance should give us 50% coverage for testing and treatment PLUS I can keep my current doctor.  At this point Babe and I don't know why we didn't do this sooner.  

Being emotional is not my thing.  Or more accurately, I hate that being emotional is my thing these days. My temps started dropping yesterday and are officially below my coverline.  When Babe happily mentioned that this was the month, I quickly retorted then regretted with "it's not going to happen, my temps dropped and I'm spotting".  I have to remember he's with me on this.  

So now I'm sitting at my desk imagining the questions I'm going to undoubtedly have to answer this weekend. Questions that I want asked so I can have a chance to talk about it but that I'm also somewhat dreading.  It'll be the first time in a long time that I've been with just my family.  My large family of mostly women and their 13 children from 3 months to 14 years.  It'll definitely be bitter-sweet.  Then we plan on seeing our best friends J&C since their baby was born over a month ago.  I feel so bad that it's been so long but also a little sad with the reality of it.  

Then there's the fact that we have officially been trying to conceive for 2 full years now.  It's not an experience I would wish on anyone, though sometimes I wish they'd understand it better.  So tonight I plan on cuddling with my man on our couch starting our annual scary movie marathon and drinking large amounts of wine or saki or both.  Too bad it's going to be 100° otherwise the fireplace would definitely be burning.