You know when you get a new car you start to notice how many of the same model are on the road already. You can pick them out in traffic, especially ones of the same color. That's a little taste of an IF's brain. When you're consumed or obsessed with babies you start to see pregnancy and little babies everywhere you look. It's not our fault though, it just happens. We're not looking for babies so we can start feeling bad for ourselves.
I feel like 2013 was the year of babies in my life and surprisingly or not surprisingly, I'm happy about it. I'm happy that this year my sister and Babe's brother will both have little ones that we can spoil rotten. I'm happy that Babe's other cousin is having their first after trying for so long. And I'm even happy for my cousin adding another little one to her dysfunctional brood of boys. I must admit though, not all of these announcements were easy to digest.
We were barbecuing at my brother-in-law's house when they handed us a book from our other nephew titled "I'm Going to be a Big Brother". My instant reaction was nothing but pure joy. Since this was the first baby announcement we'd experienced since we started trying, I'm so happy that was my response. To be honest, I wasn't sure it would have been. Though I must admit I snuck home to grab my swim suit and to shed a few tears. The announcement came five months after suffering what we think was a non-viable pregnancy. Then when my sister called me two months after with her news, I could tell she was nervous and a little bit sad to be sharing knowing our struggles. That part made me so sad for her. Baby news is something every woman should relish in. I wanted her to be excited and I was and am truly ecstatic for her. Then there was Babe's cousin (the brother of N). Knowing they had struggled to become parents as well made the news sweeter to hear. In the same breath though, I wondered if it would be hard for N to digest. I know she would probably feel the same emotions I was, happiness with a little pang of "that should could have been me".
So 2014 begins with sprinkles and showers of all kinds and the anticipation of a little nephew & niece I want nothing more than to hold and love. But I can't help but wish I could be part of the anticipation. Someday, one day, maybe...
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