National Infertility Awareness Week, also known as NIAW, is a movement to bring infertility out of the shadows and open up a dialogue.  This year the movement begins on Easter Sunday, April 20.  As it's slowly approached I've considered if and what I should say on my Facebook page.  Talking about infertility is taboo even in 2014 which is silly considering people can talk about their damn kids and dogs all day long.  So it's really important to me to stand with my other IF sisters and put it out there.

After much thought on the subject, I have reluctantly decided against posting anything personal about the subject and here's why.  First, we're not "out" to all our friends and family yet.  I would feel more comfortable and I'm sure our parents would be more appreciative if they didn't find out with everyone else on FB.  Also, since my sister is scheduled to have her baby this week, I would feel awful if A) she felt as though I stole her thunder in any way and B) it made her feel guilty.  Lastly, I'm officially in my two week wait to see if this was the magic cycle.  If it was, I will have posted a week before I expect to start my period.  I want to see if this one works before I start telling more people.

I'm sure these sound like excuses and exactly why the movement exists in the first place.  Honestly, I don't care that much.  All I know is that I'm not entirely ready.  Really what does it matter that I don't come out next week?  In a few days, weeks, months I may feel differently and it will still have the same effect then as it would now.

Want to join the movement?

Visit www.resolve.org/niaw

I never thought I would be planning my schedule around sex.  Where's the fun in that?  Well my life has come to just that.  As soon as those two little pink lines showed up on Sunday's test, Babe set out a whole plan on how he was going to knock me up within the next 24-36 hours as directed.  Granted I'm probably never going to turn down sex, but I think our expectations were much too high.  No matter how much energy we had for sex, we are still limited on the amount of time it takes for Babe to regenerate sperm.  Of course having sex for work rather than play doesn't make anyone too happy.  If this month isn't it for us, I think we're going to have to talk about being a little more reasonable.

My plan this cycle was to start testing with ovulation predictor kits (OPK) beginning Thursday, April 10th.  Of course when my cervical fluid started to show signs of fertility on Tuesday, the cheap ass in me decided to start a day early with a dollar store test promising myself I would start my very first pack of First Response OPK's the next day.  In the past I've only ever used the dollar store tests since, well, a year and a half of those seems like a cheaper solution than a 7 day $7 pack.  Yeah, just figured that one out.  Anyway, the dollar tree test came back with only one line which is negative according to their very minimal directions.

The next day I opened up my shiny new OPK to pee on.  A few short minutes later my reference line was sharing the space with a lighter test line.  Since I figured I was a pro at it already I didn't bother reading the instructions until after the test was complete.  According to FR, to be positive your test line must be equal to or darker than your reference line.  Mind blown!  All these months of testing and here I am thinking I've had successful ovulation months when all along, none of my tests have come back positive.  Mind you I didn't test every month.  Wow!  I started to worry right away.  Maybe I never have ovulated on my own.  What if I don't this month and I've passed up on Clomid AND I just had my HSG.  My heart sunk a little at the thought that I should have known.

Friday I pulled out another one and sure enough the test was negative.  My mind continued to race.  Saturday after my test came back negative I started to get a sinking filling that it was going to be another 9 months before we could be on the road to fertility specialists.  Until then I would just have to keep taking my Metformin and charting my temps. Sunday morning I wasn't exactly feeling up for the answer but took a test anyway.  For a few minutes I actually forgot about it on the bathroom counter.  When I came back I could see two bright pink lines clear as day.  I'm fertile!!!  I cheered, danced and hugged my husband as hard as I could.  And this wasn't even a positive pregnancy test.  Babe kept looking at me like I was crazy, a look I get often, and then decided to join in on the celebration.

So guess what, my body isn't as fucked up as I thought it was.  Every once in a while, when I need it the most, it surprises me and does exactly what God designed it to do.  J

Last night I got a text from my sister that the early signs of labor were upon her.  Baby # 2 is due in exactly two weeks, but because her first was a cesarean she's scheduled for a c-section on the 18th instead.  She and the doctors decided that she could try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) if he came earlier but that she couldn't be in labor for too long for both their sake.

Babe and I are excited for a couple of reasons.  One is that once the baby is born, our older nephew gets to come home with us until my sister is home from the hospital.  So I've taken next Friday the 18th off and Babe the 21st and 22nd in case it goes that long.  We got lucky that they planned it for a Friday and we could take him over the weekend. He's already made special requests for when he's staying with us that I don't mind fulfilling.  J

Last night Babe and I went for a walk around the neighborhood.  We've had such strange weather jumping from mid 40's to 90's in a matter of days.  But last night it was a nice 70° which was perfect strolling weather.  Since my blog has given me a lot to think about lately, I thought I'd pick his brain.  

He told me that although he'd like to have a baby, he doesn't feel rushed right now.  That if anyone ever felt that way it wouldn't be good for them.  He agreed that it feels like we're not doing something right if everyone around us was pregnant.  He pointed out people who were on BC when they conceived, someone who is having his baby mama's 4th kid and is on welfare, the guy who got his f-buddy pregnant without even trying and a couple people who conceived after only one month of trying.  He said he was happy with his life right now and that he's enjoying things that he knows his brother can't right now.  

I'm glad he's so secure right now.  It takes the pressure off knowing that he's in no rush.  It also makes me feel as though I'm doing something right by not weighing him down with some of my insecurities.  He asked how I felt and I said that although I agree with him that needing a baby probably doesn't put you in a good place, I can see that happening to me if we continue down this path.  Most days I'm fine and nothing really bothers me.  Then there are days that get so dark but I try not to dwell on them.  I shared with him that I feel the need to talk to people about it but that most people have backed off because of their comfort level but that I'm finding ways like blogging, etc.  He tends to think that a true friend would probably be asking how things are going constantly.  Although I would like to think that, I wouldn't discount any of my friends as not being true friends.  Having gone through this I would hope that I'd be that person to ask and reach out.  But not everyone is the same.  People get busy with their lives and I'm sure my IF is the last thing on their mind.  Plus people generally don't know how to bring the subject up.  Apparently though he feels I need to put myself out there more, especially with my girlfriends.  I don't agree.  

Either way, I feel like it gave us a chance to talk about what each of us wants and needs during this time.  I'm truly blessed to have him as my rock.  

Recently I've come to the realization that most people either don't want to or don't know how to support couples dealing with IF.  Maybe I notice it more because IF is such a huge part of my life that I expect it to be talked about more than it is.  When it comes to people who know the list includes only those close to us.  My siblings, Babe's brother and wife, our closest friends and Babe's cousin N.  Of the 9 people we've told four are pregnant, two just had a baby and one is trying.  I mention that because I think it explains why people aren't too keen on talking about IF. About 80% of them are in baby mode in one form or another which is a far cry from where we're at.

My sister for example was the only person I told about Friday's test.  I felt at that time that less and less people are interested in knowing what's going on so I stuck to her.  Since Friday she hasn't asked me about it at all.  The other people who are pregnant, seem to have stopped asking as soon as they announced their pregnancies.  Babe's cousin N was a person who went through some of her own IF struggles and in January told us at her parents anniversary party that she was expecting.  Since then I've only received the one text exchange where she said I was still pretty young.  And I swear I didn't even say anything mean in response. Our best friends J&C only asked up until the month before they conceived baby #2.  

I'm beginning to feel a little hurt by it recently.  I at least expected my best friends and my sister to check in on me more or at all.  Maybe the problem is me.  I do think about my IF on a daily basis and maybe I'm comparing it to that too much.  I don't know.  All I know is I think I need to lay off talking about it or at least offering information up to people.  I'll just end up more hurt they don't care.

Can I just start by saying how much I love my husband.  He's seriously the most incredible man I've ever known and I love him dearly.  

As you know, I was quite nervous on Friday.  While Babe and I were headed to the office I admitted to him why I really wanted him to come with me.  He said he knew all along.  He continued to encourage me and remind me that no matter what everything was going to turn out okay.  He held my hand up until the moment they called my name and I was escorted into the exam room.  As I expected, he wasn't allowed into the room with us because of the radiology. As soon as the technician introduced herself, all my nerves about the procedure itself vanished.  She was great.

I was asked to disrobe from the waist down and wear two gowns, one to cover the front and one the back.  I then lay on a standard x-ray table (no stirrups) with one technician manning the machine and the other near my feet.  The woman at my feet explained everything as she was doing it and what feelings to expect.  From what I understand I have a tilted cervix so my experience may be a little different than someone elses.  The tech inserted a plastic speculum and proceeded to clean out my cervix 3 times with long swabs.  This felt very similar to a pap smear.  Then she inserted the catheter which caused minimal pressure.  Because of my cervix though, she had to hold the catheter in place for the duration of the test which I don't think has to be done for everyone.  She then began pushing the dye through a little at a time all while the other tech took x-rays.  Once all the dye was in, which by the way was incredibly uncomfortable but not painful, she asked me to turn slightly to my left and my right for x-rays.  Finally it was over and the tech released the dye.  She also was kind enough to ask if I wanted my husband in the room when they went over the slides.  Yes!  My preliminary results showed that both tubes were clear and although she didn't seem alarmed, it looked as though my left side (the side I feel pain and the side I tend to ovulate on) was a little slow going. I was given a large pad to wear for the car ride home or for however long the dye kept leaking.  There was also a little spotting for the next two days which I'm told is perfectly normal.  

When Saturday came around I was ready to be done with all the poking a prodding.  My ultrasound was scheduled for 2:15 and since the lab is only 4 minutes from my house I planned on going alone.  Babe on the other hand had planned all along to come with me.  As before he wasn't allowed in the exam room with me but that was okay.  I wanted the tech to be able to do whatever it is she had to do.  Before we started I explained that I had a sneaking suspicion that I have endometriosis and she actually said it may show up on the scans (further reading explained the cysts it causes will show up not the tissue itself).  So we started with a regular abdominal ultrasound.  Then after peeing out all 32 oz of fluid that was required, I was given a trans vaginal ultrasound.  The tech wasn't too talkative and only told me that I should expect to receive my results by the end of the week.  

Other than being at the doctors we had a really great double date with some friends this weekend.  Plus in preparation for the next few weekends being chaos we did a lot of needed house and yard work.

It's Friday or as I like to call it, HSG day.  Today I get off at 1:30 for my 3:00 appointment at the imaging center.  Babe's gotten the afternoon off for me as well which I'm really relieved about.  I've read that there could be mild to moderate pain associated with the test and that there are reports of women passing out. Babe's pretty busy at work this week so getting him to come to the appointment seemed difficult.  I'm not as nervous about the pain as I am about what this procedure could mean for us.  So although I explained to him the reasons why he should be there, I need him there for support.  I don't know if he would have taken the time off just for that though.  Actually typing that and I feel bad for not being completely honest with him. Hmm.

Anyway, in preparation for today I was ordered to take a pregnancy test and bring it in with me.  So I'm walking around all day with a negative pee stick in my purse.  Last night I joked with babe that "guess what, I'm not pregnant.  Bet you never would have thought".  Sometimes it's nice to have a little humor about the situation but I know I'm just hiding behind it.  I've been praying non-stop for today.  The only other person who knows about the test is my sister and even then I think I'm running out of people who care or know what to say.  Everyone who says they want to support us is either pregnant or trying to get knocked up.  The pregnant ones are in a completely different place than I am and I'm afraid of scaring the ones who are trying to get pregnant.  Then there's my husband.  Babe's going through the same thing as me but for obvious reasons either doesn't feel the same as me or isn't willing to express it.  I don't know, I'm rambling now.  

Here's hoping today goes well.

I'm a little more than irked right now but I know I'm being stupid.  Last night I received a cryptic message from the lab where I will be doing my HSG.  The message was verbally clear but not entirely logical.  Think Miss Teen USA South Carolina.  During the message I was told I would need to bring a pregnancy test with me taken the night before and not to have unprotected sex for "a time period".  Since it was such a confusing message, I called back.  I wasn't able to speak to the girl or office that originally contacted me but after some prying I was able to find out that the "time period" was from the first day of my cycle.  They also told me to try calling the office back the next day to confirm all the information.  

When I called today I found out that the time frame was indeed from the first day of my cycle through my test.  In my case that's 8 days, for others it could be up to 11 days.  I assumed like a pap, I shouldn't do anything with Babe right around the test day but not for 8 days.  Thankfully we have been too tired this week to get around to it.  Had we had sex I could have totally blown the test this cycle which would have made me even more pissed.  The reason for the restriction is if you get pregnant, the test WILL abort the baby.  How is this not the first thing you tell people when making the appointment.  Interestingly enough, when I called to make the appointment, I was very adamant about asking if I had any restrictions between day one and day eight.  Nope, nothing. 

I really know I shouldn't be as mad as I am considering nothing actually happened.  Just the thought that they could be so careless about it is a huge problem to me.  Okay, I need to calm down and be thankful this cycle isn't a bust.  

I've been looking forward to this cycle for the last 6 weeks and it's finally here.  Unfortunately for me it feels like I've put all my eggs in one basket (no pun intended).  If we don't get pregnant this cycle, I'm afraid of feeling let down.  I finally started my cycle on Thursday.  With it I started a new med regiment.  I'm taking 100mg of Metformin, 50mg baby asprin and folic acid.  My HSG is scheduled for Friday at 3:00 and an ultrasound for Saturday at 2:15.  The ultrasound isn't part of the equation but I have been feeling a lot of pain in what I'm guessing are my ovaries and this is the first step to look at them (speaking of, I'm actually having a lot of pain right now in my right side).  If it's endometriosis it won't show up on the ultrasound but the test to see that is way more invasive than I'm ready for.  Anyway, after all that, I plan on using ovulation tests then Preseed and Soft Cups to help things along.  Sorry that's probably much more information than anyone on here wants to read.  

The great thing about this combination is that my basal body temperature has been the most steady I've ever seen since charting.  Rather than being all over the place I've had a slight increase since day one and in the last 3 days it's been consistent.  No huge dips or spikes which is a first for me.  I'm hoping that the rest of the cycle stays pretty predictable and that this magic blend does the trick.  If nothing else, I hope we get one step closer to having the answers we need.  

So here's to positive thinking and a really great week/month!  

I spent my day off yesterday running around town with my very pregnant sister and my 4 year old nephew. The date was much needed because I hadn't seen her since my birthday and because the next time I do, she'll probably be in the hospital.  I want her to know I can have a relationship with her outside of being Auntie to her sons.  

While we were talking she shared with me that she'd had a pretty rough weekend while she was out. Apparently people have diarrhea of the mouth around pregnant woman and this was definitely the weekend for it.  In one day the following happened:

1. One stranger, after having a perfectly civil conversation about my sister's impending due date, walked away and loudly asked for the second time if she was sure she wasn't pregnant with twins due to her size.  
2. A couple of young girls ran up to her asking if she was due soon and when.  When my sister responded one said to the other "see I told you" and they abruptly walked away as if one had just won a bet.
3. Just a few minutes later, another woman remarked that she looked like she was pretty far along to which my sister agreed and kept walking.  She then proceeded to grab her belongings and follow my sister to ask more questions while mentioning that she couldn't have kids.  My sister feeling bad considering my IF struggles, started to engage the woman in conversation.  She asked if she'd considered other options (the woman opened the door to questioning) and her response was "oh no, they just don't fit into my plan".  WHAT!!!  If you're reading this and kids do not fit into your plans, seriously consider your wording when mentioning this to people.  Even I wouldn't use that terminology unless I knew for a fact it wasn't possible.  Seriously this one just pisses me the heck off.
4. To end the day, she passed a woman who mouthed and gestured to a friend that my sister was fat.  Not big.  Not pregnant.  FAT!  Can I please say my sister is anything but fat.  She has worked so hard and looks damn good.  Looking at her yesterday and she looks like she smuggled a watermelon out of the grocery store.  My sister caught the woman's eye and when she realized she'd been caught my sister asked "really?"  and the lady just shrugged and kept walking. 
5. Here's the kicker, she vented about her day on her personal FB page.  An acquaintance read it and responded with the classic you should just be happy you're pregnant, I would do anything to be in your shoes right now.  This person by the way is single and by her own account just hasn't found the right person to have kids with.  This is where "it's your own experience" comes in. 

My sister is sometimes overly gracious, to a fault.  I agree that some of these are well intentioned comments that the best of us make to pregnant women trying to make conversation.  But she'd obviously had a rough afternoon and some of these were just plain bitchy.  Had I been there, I probably would have said some very mean things in return. Unlike her I don't hold my tongue very easily.  I guess it's a good thing I wasn't around because today, I got curious what other random comments are made to pregnant women.  

I admit I rolled my eyes a couple of times at what people thought was inappropriate on one message board . God forbid someone comments on how big a pregnant woman gets.  I get it, I really do.  But you and I both know that 9 times out of 10, the person saying it does not mean you look fat or any variation of that. Honestly if you did, most people probably wouldn't comment at all.  Then a handful of posters said they hated when people mentioned how much they'd "popped".  Wh--?  Ho-?  Really, is that rude?  You do realize you have a child in there right?  Wouldn't it concern you that the baby isn't growing if you hadn't "popped"?  This annoyance really has nothing to do with your general size.  One woman even complained that someone said "you don't look that far along".  So wait, you don't want anyone to mention you being large, normal OR small?  Sure you're not public property to be gawked at, but just chill for a moment.  Before you throw that person the finger, you should also be thinking about what you're about to say.  

If I get pregnant, I'm quite certain a lot of remarks like this will bug me too.  I may even blog about it then. But just like hearing IF comments, you have to try to think of the intention behind it.  Sure I get annoyed that my husbands family says "you just need to relax" but I also know it's a way to sound understanding and their comments are completely harmless.  It's a good lesson for all of us to think before we speak.

I wish things were black and white.  I wish there were definitive answers to all these questions I have about IF. Things would be so much easier that way.  I'm on day 36 or day 1 of my cycle.  I say that because I'm spotting bright red which makes me lean towards not starting my new cycle.  Then again last months cycle was about four days of just spotting.  This of course can be attributed to an anovulatory cycle which is what I think happened. Anyway, the reason why I want to know so badly is because I cannot schedule my HSG until the day I start my period.  That way the lab can accurately schedule me anywhere between cycle days 7-11.  It's all just so vague.  

On a side note, I'm becoming more and more happy with my doctors and mostly my insurance carrier.  I say that because I've had to contact Cigna a lot in the last couple of months for things like coding, specific coverage and even contract verbiage.  Other than their ridiculous automated voice system when you first call, they've been nothing but kind and helpful.  Never once hesitating when answering any of my questions.  I'm actually pretty impressed.  What's funny is you would think my experience would be skewed considering how bad my last one was.  Nope, this time it's really that good.  I almost wish I didn't wait so long to make changes.  All that time I kept making excuses for them and thinking it had to be me.  Now not so much.

Apparently I bitched so much about spending our vacation on the sandy beaches in Mexico that my husband actually agreed!  Unfortunately I soon realized that he would be so worried about our safety the whole time that he wouldn't have time to relax and enjoy himself.  So instead we figured out a trip that would make both of us happy, Washington, D.C. to New York, NY!  

We're going for 10 days beginning in Washington, taking a day trip to Gettysburg and then riding the Amtrak up to New York.  I've managed to book all the flights, car for Gettysburg, train to New York and hotels. So now all the working pieces are in order and all we have to do is wait.  Problem is I was efficient enough to plan enough in advance but now I'm impatient and wish the trip was coming up.  Unfortunately we have to wait until November.  

Now that we're planning though, I'm getting super excited about DC and Gettysburg too.  And I think Babe is getting excited about NY, which he's never had any interest in visiting.  As planned as we are, the thrill of spontaneity always makes our vacations more exciting.  We know how and when we're getting around but other than that, nothing else is planned.  There's going to be a lot to see in such a short amount of time but I'm excited I get to experience it all for the first time with my best friend.  He's definitely the best part of all these trips.  

If anyone is reading this, I'd love suggestions on great places to visit that aren't the tourist hot spots. Something off the beaten path that would make our trip that much more enjoyable.  

I have a wild imagination.  One little thing can tip it off and suddenly I am running various scenarios in my head.  The what-ifs are common for most people, especially IFers.  Last night as I got ready for bed and looked over my charts for the day I realized, I'm supposed to start my period today.  My cycles, which are pretty timely run about 34 days long and have only varied one other time in the last 18 months.  By now though, I'm used to having cramps, cravings, headaches, the whole nine yards in the week before and light spotting in the two days leading up to it.  Then I start to think, have I had any pregnancy symptoms?  Well my nipples have been sore for over a week, I'm more exhausted than usual and I was nauseous morning before last.  Nothing that would have me stop in my tracks though.  

Instead of talking myself down right away I begin to fantasize.  If I were pregnant now, would I have a boy or a girl? My sister-in-law just had a girl and my sister is about to have a boy.  Either way he/she would be less than a year younger than its new cousins.  When would I be due?  Probably around the end of November.  Wait, we just booked our vacation at the beginning of November.  The airlines won't let me fly that late would they?  Would they let me cancel?   Could we reschedule and just take him/her with us?  How old do pediatricians recommend your baby be before they can travel?  Would it be smart, we may not enjoy ourselves having an infant with us.  Oh hey, he/she would be here in time for Christmas and all the fun that comes along with it.  

This line of thinking felt like it went on for hours until I finally caught myself and realized how truly silly it all sounded. The reality is, I'm probably not pregnant.  As I said, it's been a year and a half and we've only truly had one pregnancy scare/hope one time and that was over a year ago.  My body doesn't feel any different than normal except for the lack of PMS symptoms I usually get which could really start at any time.  It makes me wonder though, will I ever have the feeling of being pregnant and like many other moms, just know that's it's really happening?  Will I ever be able to make a pregnancy announcement to my husband and us to our family and friends?  Will the questions about when we're going to start our family ever get easier?  

For now I just have to keep looking forward and tell myself things might be turning around.  Looking forward to actually starting my period so that I can finally schedule my HSG, begin my metformin and take on this next cycle like it's my bitch.  Because that is what I have to work with and that's okay for now.  

This weekend was incredibly fun and exhausting all at the same time.  So much so that I went to bed at 8:30 last night at the ripe old age of 29.  So where to begin?

We didn't have any plans until 6:30 Saturday night so of course I felt like I could take on the world in that amount of time.  We drove to Home Depot to get a few different plants for this seasons veggie garden.  I'm still trying to find the right combination of edibles that doesn't require me to water or garden more than I know I'm capable of.  In the past I've planted far too many tomato plants which in turn overtake my 12' x 4' foot raised garden bed.  This year I'm sticking to one tomato plant, my Serrano chilies, cilantro, basil red and now yellow bell peppers and after this weekend added sweet and snacking peppers and stevia all for Babe.  I'm really hoping I've finally got it down this year and that I don't have to continue to make modifications.  

After the plants were all added and the grass watered I realized that the sprinklers were unnecessarily watering my driveway.  So instead of interrupting my husband during his much needed personal time, I grabbed a screw driver and fiddled around.  It took some time but I finally got them working exactly how they should.  Then I took a break indoors to do some laundry, clean the kitchen and to do some more quilting.  My top is all mapped out after this weekend and sometime this week I'll just have to piece it all together.  

I'm really excited about it now that I see how it's coming along.  Since there is no free motion quilting to this one, I'm hoping I can have it done in time for my visit with them next Monday.  Once it was all laid out, we went back outside to chop cut hammer some wood for a bonfire we were going to have at a friends house.  With just enough time to spare I put together some corn dip by birthday boy's request and we headed over to their house.  

I was originally really excited to be there and hang out with our friends and my godson.  That part was exactly what I was hoping for.  I quickly realized upon arrival that we were going to be the odd couple out.  We were the only couple within childbearing age that wasn't within 6 months of popping a kid out.  There were 5 other couples, three of them were pregnant and the other two had infants younger than 6 months old.  Inevitably the conversation went there and I had to do a little sidestepping to avoid the dreaded question "so what about you".  I couldn't take it this weekend.  Not from strangers and not when I've done my very best to be happy for everyone else around me.  Like a bum I ended up inside hiding out while everyone else had a blast.  Plus I was hoping while I was away my friend would say something for me instead of having to worry the question would come up again. I was genuinely tired from my afternoon though so I had a little bit of an excuse.

Sunday was just as hectic.  Since my brother-in-law was busy with his new baby and sick toddler this week, we didn't have a chance to properly celebrate his birthday.  So Sunday we all headed over there to spend the evening.  With the new baby around it's giving us aunties and uncles a chance to spend more quality time with our nephew.  So all afternoon we played baseball, climbed trees, swung on the swings, dug up worms, anything and everything to keep a three year old busy.  By the end of the night he had still outdone us and we ended up going home to sleep like babies.  

Now that the weekend's over I'm really looking forward to my bed all week.  That and a little Icy-Hot and Jacuzzi time for all the squatting I did this weekend.

The year of babies is well under way beginning with my niece being born just a few short days ago.  The very next day we found out Babe's cousin N will also be having a girl due August 16th.  But even before that, my sister has a planned cesarean on Friday, April 18th.  If all goes as planned we will be welcoming a new little boy to her family that day.  

In the meantime I plan on putting together the same meals that I did for my Babe's brother and wife as well as making another cute little baby quilt.  The plan for this one is to do a gray and baby blue chevron pattern on the top and back it with a cutie monster fabric I found at Joann's.  I just started on Sunday and don't have many pictures yet but here's a start.  

I'm a little more nervous this time around because there is no patterned fabric to hide my mistakes behind.  It's so much more geometrical than I'm used to and I'm really just hoping it turns out halfway decent.  I've already cut and sewn all the blocks.  Tonight I have to press the seams open and then plan out the top.  I'm going to be sad when I don't have anymore quilts to make though.

Every once in a while I get the urge to join the Bumps 3T board to join in on the conversation and be support to someone else.  It's something that comes up every time I lurk through the most recent posts.  The reason I hesitate to join in now is that I'm to an extent, okay with where we're at.  I have a lot of great things happening in my life right now from my marriage to doctors and everything in between.  I know things could be better and I often get down on myself. The reality is though, when I overwhelm myself with IF thoughts, I begin to feel like I'm in a hole I can't get out of.  It's a big reason why I try to not only focus on IF in this blog.  

My personality is one that gets obsessed with emotions if I let myself get to that point.  Right now I really don't want to be there.  I want to be positive, hopeful, happy and think only of the good things that might possibly come.  Blogging has truly been therapeutic for me and at this moment, I'm content with it.  

The girls on the 3T board seem lovely and I wish I could reach through my computer screen and hug some of them. And if the time comes that I feel I need to speak with people who are in a similar situation as me I would not hesitate to introduce myself to them.  Until I'm there though, I'm going to continue to post my thoughts mixed in with anecdotes of my nephews and niece along with pictures of my newest projects I've found time to begin.  It's what works for me now.  

With that I'm going to leave you with a little something that made Monday even more significant for my family.  Since my mother-in-law passed (three years ago Friday), we've been constantly reminded of her through hummingbirds.  I know we're probably more aware of them since her passing but I tend to think at least God has a hand in it to put a smile on our faces when we see them.  Some of the interesting times they've shown up was during my sister-in-laws baby shower, during my brother-in-laws graduation and following us as we walked to the Gorilla exhibit at her zoo to scatter her ashes.  Most recently though, we were at the hospital and everyone else had gone home.  My father-in-law, brothers-in-law, sister-in-law and niece were all in the room looking out at my nephew, my husband and I playing outside their window and just above us flew this tiny hummingbird just long enough to snap a photo before flying away.  

My niece NJF was born shortly after yesterday afternoons post and I couldn't be happier for my brother and sister-in-law.  Momma and baby are both doing well other than a little bit of blood pressure issues with my sister-in-law.  She was born weighing 7 lbs 1 oz and 21" little.  

The weekend leading up to her birth I was amped to finish her quilt finally which I did.  

Then I had a brilliant idea last week that I needed to make happen since we knew it was just a matter of time until she arrived.  I picked up some individual foil meal containers from the dollar store and set out to make 4 separate dinners for both mommy and daddy that they could reheat individually.  I don't consider myself a very good cook and have a hard time deviating from recipes.  So for the four dishes I chose:

1. Sautee chicken - sauteed onions and bell peppers mixed with chicken and wheat pasta.
2. Green chicken and cheese enchilada casserole - Pretty straight forward.  Stacked shredded chicken, corn tortillas and monterey jack cheese sauced with Las Palmas green enchilada sauce from the store.  I chose to do it casserole style simply because the corn tortillas fit perfectly in the little pans.
3. Chicken with snow peas - My modified version of Pioneer Woman's Beef with Snow Peas recipe. 
4. Baked penne in meat sauce - I should probably post the recipe to my meat sauce here one day but for now I'll just say that I've been craving this dish since I made it.  Aside from the meat sauce it had basil and ricotta cheese all topped with shredded mozzarella. 

I went shopping for all the ingredients, went to two hockey games and still got back in time to finish all four dishes (two servings each).  Hey when I want to prove babe wrong, I won't stop at anything.  

Now I must get going because it's almost time for me to rush over to the hospital and shower my niece with more love than she can dare handle.  

So today I'm posting from the road (or my phone) while I wait for my niece to be born. Hopefully tomorrow we'll have seen her sweet little face.

Three years ago today my husband lost his mom to breast cancer after only being diagnosed 9 short months before. Through this stupid thing that we're dealing with I wish more than anything I could pick up the phone and talk to her.

We're regularly reminded of her through hummingbirds that visit us at the most important times in our lives.  Maybe it's just because we're looking for them but either way, they bring more comfort knowing she's looking down on us and has a hand in what's going on.  The time we thought we were pregnant I was on my way to visit her grave site by myself and spotted two hummingbirds.  I know as difficult as not having her here combined with us struggling to get pregnant makes for a ton of emotions.  But I know she's taking care of things for us.

"I regularly get the urge to share every day life with Janine and am quickly reminded that I can't just pick up the phone. Those fleeting moments when I think nothing has changed makes me happy.  We miss her so much.  We miss laughing with her and seeing the little ones playing with her.  We miss her spunky attitude and the pride she showed for her sons,  We miss hearing her stories and sharing our milestones.  And every day we miss how much joy she would have being a Nona to a sweet little boy and a soon to be granddaughter (something we never thought would happen).  But her legacy lives on in them and in us.  We love you Janine.  You are so incredibly missed." 

I'm back from a short hiatus in which Babe had to get his two bottom wisdom teeth removed.  Thankfully it all went well and he's doing as good as can be expected.  Now I have some catching up to do.  

The past weekend was as usual busy.  We finished (or I should really be say Babe finished) 3 house projects by Saturday.  We cleared out an old desk and reorganized our filing, then he installed shelving in my sewing room closet and reorganized the garage.  My job was to clean up after him.  Then on Sunday we went to my brother and sister-in-laws house to celebrate my sweet nephews 3rd birthday.  

Monday before Babe's appointment, I went to get blood work drawn that my PCP ordered.  This was to check my glucose levels since I've been off of Metformin for about a year.  We couldn't figure out why my last PCP took me off of it and we wanted to be sure it was the right decision.  Today I got the results and was told my levels are just slightly elevated, much better than before, and that it was my choice if I wanted to go back on the Metformin.  I decided since I wasn't going to be on Clomid with my gynecologist that I would take the minimum dosage of Metformin to help with my blood sugar and fertility.  Hopefully that helps things along as well.  

As time goes on I've noticed one thing about myself.  I've noticed that I have a new hope in medicine which I haven't had in a long time.  I'm getting excited for my HSG and now the thought of taking the Metformin.  What's funny is I still have about 2 1/2 weeks before my next period is expected to start and I can even schedule my HSG.  At that time we will have been trying for a year and 6 months yet I feel like things are just beginning for us.  I know in my head there are no guarantees any of this will work.  It's just such a relief to be working towards something and not twiddling my thumbs at home waiting.

So tonight after work I'm going to pick up my new prescription, go home, take care of my husband and do some quilting.  It's a good life I lead.  Some days it's hard and some days I can't breath but most days I love it and am looking forward to the next big adventure.  

Vacation planning is one of my favorite and one of my least favorite tasks.  The reality is, if I had my way, we would be sipping long islands on the beach Cozumel, MX.  Since couples vacations usually involve more than just one person, I guess I have to share the planning process with my husband.  There are two things that bother me about this.  The first is Babe is more of a planner and I am more spontaneous.  I'd be happy with making the decision with only a couple of options to choose from.  Because of that, a vacation would be booked within a few days of my initial search. Babe on the other hand needs data, plenty of options and everything laid out in front of him.  I don't mind compiling this information for him at all.  It actually gets me more pumped for the potential vacation.  Unfortunately though, I usually spend hours upon hours gathering data for us to either completely change direction or for him to take over because it's not what he was looking for.  This process gets tiresome.  The second reason is that Babe is more cautious than I am.  I'm of the mindset that if something were to happen to me, it was meant to be that way.  It's one of the reasons I have no problem riding rickety carnival rides that whip you upside down and backwards.  But back on topic.  Babe doesn't like to step outside of his safe zone which means that trips outside of the country have certain limitations.  For starters I just got him comfortable with the idea of going to Mexico after years of prodding.  Going to a closed off resort in Mexico is different from exploring the area and sightseeing.  It may take another couple of years to get him there.  

So right now I'm in the process of narrowing down our options which are Mexico (the Gulf coast specifically), Washington DC/Gettysburg, and New Orleans.  Of the three, Mexico seems to offer the best combination of activities verses relaxation.  I would love to go to DC, I just know my PolySci major husband will want to pack as much into the trip leaving us needing a vacation after "vacation".  Then there's New Orleans.  Although it would be a cool place to be, I just don't see having enough to do there and it might be a little too boring.  With all that in mind, I'm trying not to be too bias in my offerings of hotels, flights and attractions.

On a side note, this is the first vacation we've planned that I'm not concerned what would happen if I were in pregnant. Surprisingly it's something that's been hard to do.

March and May tend to be the busiest months in Babe and my families respectively.  In March we celebrate 4 birthdays, 1 birth, my in-laws wedding anniversary and also have the added weight of the anniversary of my mother-in-laws passing.  March is usually a lot of fun hanging out with family and friends.  Every once in a while it's stressful though and may be hard to get to posting on some of the more tiresome days.  

Last night, kicked off the funner festivities with a little get together for my three year old nephews birthday.  My brother-in-law and sister-in-law hosted immediate family for dinner, cake and present opening.  This year to honor being in their new house, we all pitched in to help pay for a new jungle gym and swing set for their back yard.  With the new baby coming we thought it would help him get his wiggles out where he's not wreaking havoc.  

While we were there my sister-in-law showed us some of the decorations she's planning on putting up in the baby's room.  Surprise, surprise, they're the exact colors and shades I was using for her quilt!  That got me super pumped to finish it as soon as possible.  

I know the quilt looks Christmasy in this picture but it's actually more pink and green/blue than red.  Anyway, as you can see I've completed the whole quilt top.  What you cannot see is that I've basted it with the other layers (batting and a purple dotted minky fabric) and have already begun my first attempt at free motion quilting.  Free motion quilting is a technique used to make those pretty designs to attach the fabric together. So far I'm not too thrilled with my first design.  Thankfully though it only takes up a really small portion of the quilt.  The design I'm working on next is a modified Greek key in honor of her parents honeymoon location. 

Depending on how busy the next month is, I should finish the whole thing in the next week or two.  I can't wait to give it to them and be able to start on my nephews.  

Through my time lurking on The Bumps 3T I've come to learn a few things.  Unfortunately for me, I have a hard time remembering to take information with me whenever I visit the doctor.  So when my Gyn prescribed me 100mg of Clomid and asked that I come in for 21 day labs to check my progesterone, I figured that fulfilled the "monitoring" I keep reading about.  Over the weekend though, I continued reading posts that threw up a ton of red flags.

The first being, Clomid with all it's side affects, is usually only safe up to 6 cycles in one lifetime.  Second, it can be prescribed in 50mg incremental dosages with a max of what looks like 150mg.  Lastly, because there is a tendency to conceive multiples, to produce cysts and drastically thin out the lining of your uterus it should be monitored by pre-ovulatory blood tests and pre & post-ovulatory ultrasounds.  With all of this knowledge, I contacted Dr. R's office to see if these tests were available to me.  I was told that because I was not giving myself injections of HCG (no idea what that is right now) and since Dr. R was not a fertility specialist, he did not offer that service.  

Over the last few days I've weighed that information over and over in my head.  The fact that without all of these tests my doctor was willing to prescribe me 100mg which is twice the usual recommended introduction makes me a little wary.  I have 6 chances in my life to use this drug which has no guarantee.  Do I really want to waste it and hope that it doesn't cause irreversible damage to my reproductive system before I ever set foot into a fertility specialists office? We don't have the insurance to cover a specialists testing nor do we have the money to pay out of pocket at this early stage.  

Reluctantly I shared this information with Babe to affirm my decision.  He agreed that the best course of action would be to pass on the Clomid for now.  If at the start of the year we're still in the same situation, we will have new insurance to cover these tests.  At that point I will feel more comfortable being properly tested and confirming the right dosage.  As gung ho as I was to be racing ahead after being stagnant, I really want to make sure I'm making the right choices.  After all, baby steps aren't all that bad.