7 weeks is a long time to stay silent.  It also makes for plenty of material to blog about.  But isn't that just like me, to be a ghost for months and come back with 10 different topics.  I'm sorry but it's been awhile since I've had a chance to come back here.

To start, April 24th is the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week according to Resolve.org.   Last year was the year I finally decided to reveal a little bit about our struggle on social media.  The outpouring of love and support was mind blowing.  Two months later, we were pregnant with our little Bean.  When you bring a little one home after sharing your struggles with infertility you tend to get a lot of mixed comments and questions.  One that is surprisingly naive is the fact that since we've gotten pregnant once, it will be much easier to get pregnant again.  People seem to think we're going to be the Duggard's now that the seal has been broken.  It's quite frustrating.

I'm in love with my beautiful daughter and can't imagine my life without her.  The struggle to conceive her was absolutely heartbreaking and real but I'm also of the mindset I wouldn't have it any other way.  But the reality is, should we decide to grow our family further, no one can predict the ease or difficulty of which we will have to deal with infertility again.  We may have overcome it this time by having once successful pregnancy, but there's no way of knowing if that will happen again.

So I'm trying to find a way to put that into words for NIAW.  Infertility was and always will be the road to have our baby girl and to pretend it wasn't is living a lie.  Not just for us but for every other man and woman struggling to build their family I feel NIAW will always be a way to shed awareness on the topic which is so near to my heart.

Now that our little Bean has arrived, I've done a lot to try to stay in tune with what my body is telling me. Getting sleep when it's needed, drinking plenty of water and just generally making sure to also take care of myself. One thing I never expected to happen go through is Post Partum Anxiety (PPA).

Night after night I'm stuck in my head fighting to go to sleep, pushing back horrible thoughts of accidents and dying. I'd known to pay attention to signs of PPD given my history but never even heard of PPA. 

This weekend I decided I couldn't deny something was wrong any longer. With the encouragement of DH I finally went to see my doctor today. I'm hoping with a combination of herbal supplements she recommended and seeing a therapist I can start to feel somewhat normal again. Time will tell but in the interim you might see me around these parts a little bit more channeling some of my anxiety through blogging.

I'm a failure.  And I don't even have a baby at home yet.

I feel like no matter what I do it will never be enough.  Everyday I wake up, take my medication, get ready for work and go to a job that pays the bills.  That's it.  It's not glamorous, it's not even rewarding, but it has incredible benefits and I know what I'm doing.  My green padded walls make the DMV look like Disneyland.  But I trek on.  Most weekdays I'm also researching for when our little one arrives.  Where are the best nurseries, are they affordable, is there a wait-list, do we need a tour? What crib, stroller, diapers are the best and most affordable?  What gestational diabetes meal plans are recommended while I wait for my referrals?  When should I start a birth plan and how?

Each day I have a decision to make.  I'm not hungry, no this pregnancy has all anti-symptoms, but I eat still.  Small portions so as not to feel sick and healthy to make sure my blood sugar is where it should be.  I do this for breakfast, lunch and dinner because I need to be healthier more now than I've ever been.  When I get home I try to get dinner started which I do about 80% of the time and again it's always fairly healthy.  Plus it's within budget so we can save money for childcare coming up soon.  I try to be active with my dog because I don't want her to be sad.  Sometimes that means going for a walk but I'll be honest it's not every day.  

Then there comes a time where we decide if we're doing housework any particular night.  Does the baby's room need furniture built, something need to be cleaned up, laundry washed and folded?  Am I demanding too much of my husband who needs down time of his own.  Maybe he should play video games, I'd rather be the one to put the changing table together anyways.  

Sometimes our week includes family get-togethers that last much longer than they should.  But remember I have no pregnancy symptoms so what do I have to complain about for walking all day or being out all night?  I'm told I need to milk being pregnant but I'm a fighter and am trying to do things as usual.  

Every weekend I've been attempting to a yoga class not only to stay healthy but for some me time.  Time I can shut off my phone and zone out.  It's only an hour but it helps.  Most weekends also include grocery shopping.  Remember to be healthy, remember to keep it cheap.  Then there's the endless shopping trips to prepare the house for baby and to complete our move-in.  I wanted both these things so I shouldn't complain.  And if I'm honest with myself I want to clean every weekend but it seems futile.  One minute the whole house is clean and the next it literally looks like a tornado has gone through our living room.  Then again there's more work that I should be doing.  I can't leave painting solely to my husband, what about helping out on the shelving in all the closets, rearranging furniture?  

This is life for everyone, everywhere.  I just wish sometimes someone would say "Thank you, you're doing a fabulous job".  Instead I'm left apologizing to the baby for not being healthy enough, being stressed, tired, angry and emotional. But I'm having the perfect pregnancy so no one should see all of that.

There's no longer denying, I have gestational diabetes.  Let me start with my doctor's visit.  Leading up to this appointment, especially since the last one, I've been trying to grasp what could be for me and my little one over the next 4 months.  So when my OB reviewed my blood sugar levels and told me they were bad it wasn't as difficult to hear this time around.  He explained it to me this way: my placenta is creating a lot more insulin than I usually get and my body cannot regulate it.  My diet, albeit good, isn't really doing anything nor is Metformin which I am currently maxed out on.  He was very blunt but also very kind, not mincing any words yet keeping it professional.  

Babe was at the appointment with me so he heard first hand my new plan.  We'll have to continue to go to the perinatologists office that I hate but I'm going to try my best not to be seen my Dr. Rude if I can help it.  E also promised me that he would be at every visit and speak up when necessary.  I feel much more at ease this time around and am just hoping Bean turns out healthy.  We only have 16 weeks to go before this little guy makes his or her arrival and if a few sacrifices here and there ensure his safe arrival, I'm all for it.

I've been pretty lucky.  This pregnancy has been what everyone hopes for - lack of morning sickness, normal energy, no cravings or food aversions causing little to no weight gain, and overall a lot of feeling normal.  The most important part of it has been that Baby Bean is healthy and has passed every test thrown his way.  So if the worst pregnancy is a sucky doctor at today's appointment I will count myself blessed.  

Today we saw the perinatologist for my anatomy scan.  For those who don't know, they are the doctors who perform certain genetic tests as well as work with high risk patients.  I am considered both which I'm still having a hard time grasping.  Despite my feelings about the subject, the point to all of this is to make sure Bean is being taken care of and I would do everything in my power to make sure that's the case.  The appointment started off pretty typical for that office so my husband and I weren't surprised when the nurses scolded me for not having all the answers to their questions and being generally unfriendly.  I answered what I could and wrote it off as all being worth it to spend an hour or so watching my baby.  

We were then escorted to a room where the nurse began the ultrasound and taking pictures of the most obscure angles.  But then again I got pictures and I should be thankful so that's not even the worst.  Once pictures were handed over the nurse indicated that the doctor was not in the office yet and that as soon as she arrived we would be seen again to complete the ultrasound.  My mom who joined us for the appointment, my husband and I all looked at each other with confused looks on our faces.  Thirty minutes later the doctor arrived introducing herself and immediately began to berate me for not having brought my blood sugar monitor or logs in with me.  When asked what my fasting levels were I genuinely did not have an answer for her, not one that I was secure enough in knowing that I would have wanted to share at least.  So I said I didn't know thinking it would save me from the harsh words that were being thrown at me.  I was very wrong.  The doctor continued to list all of the many complications that could derive from poorly managed blood sugar including miscarriage, excessive or under weight, complications giving birth, etc.  I explained that my OB and I had already made a plan and that I would be working with them.  She did not like this answer and accused me of being antagonistic to which I was explained that I was tired of being lectured about something that isn't even an issue.  My blood sugar is managed and no one has seen any cause for concern including her.  At that point I was dumbfounded and all but completely shut down.  I was waiting for Babe or my mom to speak up but because both were silent I assumed that what the doctor was telling me about my attitude must be true.  So instead I stayed silent waiting the doctor out until I could see my sweet baby again.  

By that point the doctor clearly did not want me there any longer than necessary.  She rushed through what I've been told was the most exciting ultrasound of my pregnancy and said very little to any of us.  When she was done she said that everything about the baby's anatomy looked good and allowed me to clean myself up.  She broke the silence by telling me I had been snarky and that I obviously didn't want their help.  According to her, since I was refusing to be seen by their office any longer, I needed to sign a form titled "What Diabetes Does To My Baby" listing every possible outcome mismanaged diabetes could cause.  I spent the next few minutes trying to compose myself in the restroom while my family waited for me outside.  Wanting so much to tell the doctor off and knowing that no matter what I said it would not be heard.  I would be brushed off as having a bruised ego or being contemptuous.  Instead I met my husband in the waiting room where he and my mom were discussing what I thought I was making up in my own head.  

What I couldn't understand was how I went from not knowing all the answers, which I was never told to prepare for since I thought this appointment was simply an anatomy scan, to basically killing my baby with my poor diet and high blood sugar.  Why she would leap to such conclusions and add insult to injury by not just insinuating, but accusing me of having an attitude that I clearly didn't have, is beside me.  I left feeling cheated of having the experience many have said is quite possibly the best appointment you'll have your entire pregnancy.  I just wish I hadn't felt so alone in that room where 3 other people witnessed what happened.  Had I known I wasn't the only one who thought she was so incredibly rude I might have stood up for myself.  But again, the most important thing is that our baby is safe, healthy and incredibly loved.  

On a brighter note I think I know what we're having.  Babe wants me to divulge but I'm keeping it to myself for now. We'll see when he or she graces us with their presence in 20 more weeks!  

It's been so long and so much has happened since my last post.  We got to see baby bean again and he's doing so perfect. My OB actually said it was a perfect pregnancy which was so great to hear a couple of very frustrating appointments and a worrisome mama.  By the end of this month we'll be able to see him another two times, once for a standard appointment and another for my anatomy scan at the perinatologists.  Of course with every new appointment comes the added stress that they'll find something wrong followed by the relief that all is okay.  I'm trying to take one appointment at a time and relish in the fact that I have a healthy baby growing inside of me that will join us in just 5 months time.

Aside from baby we've been incredibly busy now that we're new home owners again!  Our houses closed on the 25th and 26th and we were finally able to move on the 3rd.  Thankfully Babe was understanding enough with both our health that we hired movers making it the most boring moving day ever.  I'm so not used to that.  But 10 hours later and Babe and I were on, unpacking boxes and making this new home ours.  It's been 5 days and we're doing pretty well with the transition.  Babe by the way is a rockstar when it comes to home maintenance and I never know why I'm so surprised.  It also bugs him that I am, sorry Babe, I don't mean to have little faith.  It's just, that man can locate just about any problem, pick up a tool and with only a handful of curse words and a trip or two to Home Depot have it fixed in no time.  He's definitely taking on the lion-share of housework/unpacking without one complaint after I ended up with swollen ankles and belly pain over the weekend.  

And now that we've completed that hurdle, I've been taken off of the baby related purchase ban.  Babe actually started it off by suggesting we stop off at the bookstore on the way home one day.  He said he needed a how-to book for the house and suggested I look around for a new read for myself.  Instead I walked to the very back of the bookstore to the children's section and set out to look for "My I Love You".  Five seconds later E strolls to the same section to look for the exact same book, the real reason he wanted to stop.  Of course I always ruin surprises and this was no different.  Except that both baby beans mommy and daddy had the same idea for his first baby item and it was still such a sweet surprise.

With that I'll leave you with two of my favorite pictures from this weekend.  The first is our new killer view from the back of the house and the second is the master bedroom accent wall which just happened to match my nail polish.  I swear it wasn't planned.

Life is a whirlwind these days while we're buying and selling a house, working full time, packing and trying to plan for a baby and all the appointments it entails.  Don't get me wrong, I'm loving almost every minute of it and will absolutely be happy to reap the benefits.  The downside to moving when you're 3 months pregnant though is that your husband might not allow you buy anything for the baby until you're 100% moved in.  I've literally pored over page after page of cute baby clothes, nursery design ideas and how-to's on Pinterest only to be able to pin them to my private board.  No buying for this mama just yet.  No planning for a nursery for a couple more weeks.  And no hypothetically dressing my baby until there's a room to put said clothes in.  So although I'm super excited to be moving into our forever home in less than a month, I'm even more excited to be able to get into this pregnancy in real life, not just on the internet and in my mind.  

Speaking of real life.  We're getting so close to the end of 1st trimester (holy crap I JUST realized I'm 12 weeks already) that we put together a little pregnancy announcement for our friends and family.  Most know we're moving soon so we thought a great tie in would be a moving announcement by postcard.  Long story short, after dealing with social media and infertility, I really didn't want to share my own pregnancy with 1/2 strangers and people who would genuinely be hurt by the announcement.  The picture on the front of the postcard shows a picture of Babe, myself and Roxy standing on the porch of our current home with a box packed for the nursery captioned "We're moving...because we need a little more space".  It should reach family and friends from California to New York by early next week and we can again be another step closer to living life like a pregnant couple.

Then next Thursday we're scheduled for a series of appointments for the baby.  The first is the usual NT scan to check the baby for genetic disorders like down syndrome.  That will be followed by a high risk diabetes specialist.  It's a little too late now but for the past 4 years or so I have been treated for diabetes.  I tested once as a borderline diabetic and was asked to diet and exercise to bring my blood sugar down and it did.  The next doctor who saw the original tests then put me on 500 mg of Metformin.  Then at the beginning of the year another doctor ordered me to start taking 2000 mg (I might be forgetting a step in there too) because I was also struggling with infertility.  Fast forward to my first OB appointment and she's shocked that I've never really tested diabetic but there's nothing they can do for me now. So more than likely I'll be required to test my sugar for the remainder of my pregnancy to ensure Bean is safe.  While they're at it though they're going to take a better look at Bean's twin to see if everything is progressing okay.  I've been told that with a vanishing twin you can potentially have high blood pressure throughout pregnancy but am reading that there should be no other complications to little Bean.  Here's hoping everything looks great and I can see him kicking around in there again.

So yeah life is crazy right now but it's also just the beginning.

Have you ever heard someone say that summer colds last longer than winter colds?  Have you ever had a summer cold?  They suck in so many different ways that the only good thing about them is they're not a summer flu.  Babe came down with a small cold in the middle of our Vegas trip two weeks ago.  It knocked him on his butt for a couple of days and since he's been fighting all the cycling symptoms which never seem to be the same from day to day.  And as much as we tried to avoid it, it finally caught up to me last week too.  Of course I can't just get a normal cold.  Nope, on Saturday night we wound up in the emergency room with me having an asthma attack that I just couldn't fight.  After just a couple hours, a breathing treatment and a prescription to treat bronchitis.  Luckily for me the medication is considered safe and is finally helping.  It's been pretty rough the last couple of days with very little sleep to get me through the day.

Besides having bronchitis, we're now in the midst of selling our house.  It's caused a lot of stress for Babe which I hope eases up soon.  Our house went on the market a week ago and we've had one interested party and a lot of lookie loos.  We've yet to find anything ourselves that meets all of our must haves but I'm sure we'll get there.  At this point we're no worse off if the house doesn't sell and we have to stay in it for a while longer. I just really hope E sees how much he's putting himself through by worrying and give himself a break.  There's a  lot going on and he's not responsible for fixing it all by himself.

I'm on the other side today and yet nothing feels different.  It all started Tuesday when I had my second ultrasound to see how I'd responded to the Letrozole.  Apparently pretty well.  I had two follicles growing nicely, the one on my right side was 19 mm and the one on my left was 17.5 mm.  Also my uterine lining was thickening on target and by CD 13 it was 9 mm.  So my doctor's office administered my trigger shot and sent me on my way with instructions to come back the next two days.  

Day one I was a ball of nerves.  Even though my appointment wasn't until 10:30 I woke up to take my temp at the usual time of 6:30 and wasn't even close to going back to sleep.  I spent the rest of the morning puttering around the house getting ready for our realtor and trying to distract myself.  We left the house at 8:45 to drop off Babe's sample and decided to go to breakfast while we waited for my appointment.  It started off as usual, with an ultrasound to see how everything was progressing followed by some pressure while the speculum and catheter were being positioned. A few short minutes later and the procedure was over.  Babe and I stayed in the room for about 10 more minutes joking and laughing until we were finally released.  E had to go to work in the afternoon so I spent much of the day lounging around and napping on and off.  It was awesome.  And other than cramping before bed, it was pretty much a breeze.

Day two was pretty much a repeat but I felt less anxious.  This time when I arrived no ultrasound was needed.  Instead it was just a couple of minutes and way less uncomfortable.  After the 10 minutes we were asked to speak to the nurse who gave us instructions for my Progesterone tablets and the go-ahead to test on the 11th.  We left the office feeling happy and hopeful.  Since it was so much later and neither of us were expected back at work, we decided to take in a matinee before dinner.  

Overall I feel good about the IUI's and am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.  After all, the 11th isn't too far away is it?

It's been so long but I'm back.  Is it me causing drama or do I really just have this bad of luck with doctors.  I start off loving them one minute and the next I'm arguing with them about one thing or another.  Over the last couple of months I had been emailing my nurse and occasionally the head nurse and financial consultant back and forth preparing for our IUI.  We'd stumbled a bit with them over some lab work but thought we had it all taken care of.  We even suggested that due to all the issues we have been encountering that maybe E and I should have a meeting with them before CD1.  My nurse said that everything was taken care of and so as idiots we believed her and didn't push it.  

Then on the day I started my period, by the way the most excited I've ever been to start my period, I gave them a call as they requested.  All I needed to do was set up an ultrasound appointment between days 2-4 to get a baseline of my uterine lining and my follicles.  Instead my nurse immediately starts the conversation by asking if I'd received authorization from my insurance company because it wasn't on file with them.  Apparently they had a note in my file that I needed to contact them two weeks prior to CD1 to get the ball rolling on it.  Strike 1.  Also they didn't have any time on day 2 and were closed days 3 & 4 so we'd need to make the appointment day 1 even though they stressed the importance of days 2-4.  Strike 1.1.  I was transferred to the head nurse after arguing with her about it.  Head nurse proceeds to tell me that because I haven't submitted for an authorization and because their office is currently under construction (Strike 2) they'd prefer to put me on birth control (BCP) so I go into a holding pattern.  For those unfamiliar with the process, BCP will basically put my body back on day one as soon as I get off of them.  That way we don't have to wait a full cycle, we could essentially restart my period in a week or two if necessary.  But since my body took years to readjust after getting off the pill, I didn't want to start them up again.  I was basically hitting a brick wall with my RE's office.  Eventually I was transferred to my actual RE who reiterated what the others were saying and after talking over me a few times finally listened to the fact that it wasn't me who dropped the ball.  We'd hung up with the promise of a call to come.

I then proceeded to call Babe in tears.  Neither of us could remember any emails aside from the handful from me begging please tell me if "there anything else that needs to be done before CD1".  Babe was furious and it took quite a bit of coaxing on my part for him not to call the RE himself.  Instead while I waited I did some research of my own.  I called my insurance and medical group and confirmed that I could not have possibly put in a request for authorization on my own as they had suggested.  I also found out that in that time, 20 minutes, my RE's office had put it in themselves for the very first time.  Then the call came.  The head nurse was calling to ask if I'd made a decision on the BCP's.  Thankfully I'd had some time to process everything and cool off.  Even though I was angry still, no longer was I emotional.  I asked her if she was aware I had been in contact with my nurse since March.  She responded that yes she was aware I had contacted them about my botched bloodwork.  No, not just the blood work.  I had literally been asking time after time if there was anything else that needed to be done before we started.  I explained that if anyone in their organization knew how disorganized their office had been with my case they would be embarrassed.  I also explained because of that I felt that they should take responsibility.  She believed that putting me on BCP was taking responsibility.  I disagreed.  Instead I asked that while the authorization was outstanding, they needed to proceed with the cycle and foot the bill until insurance came back one way or the other.  She hesitated and said it wasn't her call to which I requested to speak to the person who could make the call.  Our conversation finally ended after I was able to get an appointment for day 2 and with an agreement that my appointments would be taken care of until insurance responded.  Score me!

At this point we've already dedicated 7 months to their organization and have a plan in place.  I was too determined to let more time and money waste away while they got their act together.  If this cycle fails though, Babe and I will probably have to have a come to Jesus conversation about choosing a new RE for future cycles.  My hope is that we've seen the last of their incompetence.  Even more than that, I hope we don't have to proceed with any future cycles at all. 

This weekend I was able to sit and speak candidly with my new OB/Gyn about my endometriosis concerns.  I'd tried to have this conversation with my last Gyn but if I remember correctly I was too nervous to remember to bring it up during my one and only visit.  Regardless, I'd shared my symptoms with my RE who admittedly does not know much about endo to offer his help but recommended I speak with my doctor about it and keep him informed so he could be involved.  I'd scheduled my appointment about a month ago and on Saturday lugged all of my relevant records and test results to his office.

Dr. J had kindly looked at my charts prior to me even stepping foot in the door which I was very thankful for.  Without even introducing myself to him he already knew of my history rather than catching himself up for the duration of our meeting.  I was very open and straight forward with him.  I believe I have endo and I'm concerned that if it doesn't get resolved I will never have a chance to conceive naturally considering I only feel ovulation on my left side and if  I do become pregnant am afraid of the likelihood of an ectopic pregnancy in my left tube.  What can I do before we proceed with an IUI?  He was frank.  Endo cannot be removed from fallopian tubes without causing even more damage to them.  Even the act of putting the camera in me could cause even more adhesions and scar tissue.  My left tube should be considered non-existent.  It's possible an extra sensitive ovary is being mistaken for ovulation pain and that I am in fact ovulating on the right.  Considering the ways to diagnose and treat endo are counterproductive to conceiving, Dr. J encouraged E and I to move forward with the IUI.  He was generous in saying that  if I truly wanted him to proceed with treatment now he would, but he feels I have better chances with an IUI now than if I would wait to be treated.  His suggestion is that if after 3 IUI cycles I still want to move forward, he would feel more comfortable treating me then.  

It was a relief to get that appointment out of the way.  For someone who's had two and a half years to study my condition, it felt nice to have an educated conversation with a doctor and not feel disregarded.  Doctors are so used to being the expert in every medical field that when you come to them with information it often time results in being blown off.  With Dr. J and with Dr. N, my RE, I don't feel that way at all.  I'm genuinely looking forward to having them on our side.  

So this happened last night.

Yup, my husband and my dog both have fractured knees.  It happened in a split second and I'm kicking myself for not preventing it.  She was coming to the edge of the bed to welcome me home and slipped down the 3ish foot drop snapping her arm to the side.  Poor baby was in so much pain.  Thankfully our vet was open for another 10 minutes and is only 7 minutes away.  They took her in, did x-rays and bandaged her up sending us home with a bunch of instructions and pain medication.  We'll find out in the next day or two if she'll need surgery to repair it but the vet seems to think it will heal fine on its own.

Today I have both patients at home irritating each other while they commiserate.  I guess we're going to have a lot more nights in than I was expecting.

I turned 30 over the weekend.  I turned 30, my husband fractured his knee and we found out we qualify for IUI cycles. You could say it was a pretty eventful weekend.  

First, Babe should be fine.  Although he's in a lot of pain and rather uncomfortable from crutches and a leg immobilizer, he's hanging in there.  Like the kind man he is, he helped some EMT's carry another man down some stairs and his knee just didn't hold up.  An old fracture emerged which landed him in the ER for the rest of the day.  

In the meantime, we received notice that Babe's SA had improved significantly.  Enough that with our combined medical problems we have a shot, albeit small, to attempt IUI's.  After reviewing our insurance, our finances and the cost to do each round, Babe and I decided it would be worth it to try.  

We'll be waiting a couple cycles while our RE is out of the office and potentially clear up some endometriosis.  Once he returns full-time, April or May, we should be ready to start our first medicated cycle.  The plan is to be on oral Letrozole, a medication usually used to help treat cancer patients.  Then the we'll jumpstart ovulation with an injectible HCG followed by the RE doing two back-to-back inseminations and then Progesterone supplements.  

My only knowledge of IUI's has mostly been negative or ineffective.  Maybe this is because I was a part of an infertility board where anyone who had a success usually moved on.  So against my better judgement I Googled IUI success stories. I just needed to know that although it may not be our result, it's still possible.  Since this may very well be our first real chance to conceive I want to stay positive.  Call me naive but it has to be part of my process.

So while we're waiting, I will be visiting my new OB/Gyn to talk about my pain and possible endo.  Clearing it up probably won't make our IUI more successful but I hope it would make conceiving without intervention more of an option.  Crossing fingers.

My stomach is in knots.  Twisting and turning waiting to hear back from our RE.  Babe did his SA last week and was told the results would take 7-10 days.  This morning as I was emailing them to be sure my referral made it, the nurse asked when we wanted to begin our IUI cycle.  What?!  Could this be a small oversight in our records from when the Dr. didn't have his original results and thought we should move right into IUI?  Or could this be them accidentally slipping up and telling us we're good candidates for an IUI before we've actually received the results?  

I'm trying to remain a realist optimist.  Is that even possible?  It would be amazing if the numbers have improved and it's not a hurdle we have to be concerned about.  There would still be so many questions I would want answered.  But that's for another time.

She said she was verifying the numbers with another nurse but that they would get back to us to soon.  It would just be unbelievable if it truly is an option for us.  We'll know soon I guess.

I'm so happy I'm crying happy tears for only the second time in my life.  I just got the call today that our referral for our RE was finally and officially approved!  Over the past couple of months, okay like 14 of them, I never expected to finally make it to this point.  The road ahead of us is a bit scary and unknowing, but I'm so beyond ready to go down it finally.  

What perfect timing too because yesterday Babe picked up his repeat SA kit from them since we were going to be paying for that out of pocket anyway.  Now any follow up appointments, testing or treatments will be covered as well. I'm so grateful to have all of that behind us now.  

I realize I'm posting less often than usual and I only slightly feel bad about that.  In the past couple of weeks we've had some busy times.  First off, we finally changed over to our new insurance and are working with my PCP to get an official referral for the RE.  We decided recently against Babe going through insurance for a repeat SA.  Because of this, we can essentially schedule it at any time.  Unfortunately my husband has decided that he would like to wait until he starts a new job at the beginning of February.  He believes that this will leave him less stressed than before and able to give a better sample.  Personally I think he'll find less time to do it in and be more stressed in the new job.  It's not worth the argument though.  He's already made so many changes to help with our success that I'm very grateful for.  

Speaking of changes, we both decided to eliminate something from our diets.  Since I always have a difficult time remembering not to drink soda, I've asked him to keep me accountable.  In return, he is no longer drinking beer and will drastically cut back on alcohol altogether.  I'm pretty excited about the change because I know it's not even that big of a deal for either of us.  I drink soda out of habit and I can definitely use less sugar and caffeine.  I've cut it from my diet before with no significant results so I'm not expecting too much.  It's just nice to know I'll be doing something healthy for myself.

Recently I mentioned that we were looking at puppies.  After a really emotional trip to a PetSmart adoption fair we've decided to wait just a couple of weeks.  We have a busy weekend coming up and to leave a puppy home alone 5 days a week then again on a weekend is just too cruel.  In the meantime, Babe and I have been mulling over pug and dachshund litters to adopt.  I'm looking forward to the addition it will be for our family.  Since I've never owned a dog let alone any pet we're both pretty nervous about it.  Thankfully I'm married to beast master Jr. 

With all of these little things happening in our life we've also decided to take on one more hurdle.  We're going to refinance our house!  Over the weekend we settled on a lender and are in the process of negotiating the interest rate. If it works out as planned, we'll be saving almost 2%  in interest PLUS be able to take out some cash for some much needed updates on our little home.  

So far it's a great start to a new year. 

This week was supposed to be fabulous, filled with dates, doctors appointments and family.  But ever since Thursday I've felt lost.  Before I upped my meds to 1000mg I hadn't noticed any symptoms.  At least that's what I'm attributing it to.  So now I'm starting to get hot flashes and lose my concentration.  It's one reason why I haven't been on the board or blogged in the last couple of days.  Yesterday at work I read the same paragraph at least 15 times and still couldn't grasp it.

To top it off, I'm not really sure what our diagnosis is because the doctor still has not read all of our medical records. Poor Babe did his SA over a year ago and 4 doctors later we still haven't gotten it read.  He's definitely going to have to take it again which thankfully he's not too worried about.  We were also told that it looks like a small blockage is at the end of my left Fallopian tube but he doesn't think it needs to be addressed.  In fact, during my last conversation with the Dr. he indicated he wanted to proceed with Letrozole and an IUI.  Is it just me or does a blockage with low morphology and motility make you think an IUI would be a bad decision.  I feel like E should be seeing a urologist and I should get a second look at my tubes.  Anyway...

Saturday I took Babe to see Jim Gaffigan for an anniversary gift.  He was completely surprised and seemed to have a lot of fun.  The whole night I was battling a pretty intense migraine that in different circumstances would have left me locked in my dark bedroom with pills and water.  I kept hoping he was still having a good time despite my issues. Since our anniversary isn't until tomorrow it was nice to get a small celebration in.  Although I wish we'd done something bigger for our 5th anniversary, we still plan on having dinner at one of our favorite restaurants and then off to a hockey game.  It'll be a pretty subdued year for us as you can see.

Of everything that's going on, including planning a Christmas party, our Christmas shopping is the most complete. We're now down to one company gift and one dirty Santa gift left.  Although our house is a complete disaster and I haven't found a place to put everything this year.  I mean, we barely got the outside decorated this weekend.  Now all we have left is cleaning, decorating, wrapping, cooking, planning, babysitting, beer tasting, jury duty and lots and lots of drinking.

Like I said, I'm having a hard time concentrating

Babe and I are having a hard time getting into this whole RE thing because we've definitely started off on the wrong foot.  What's happened since the 3rd I'm hoping is a complete fluke otherwise we're going to have to keep looking.  

We originally made the appointment right after attending the seminar.  This was mid October.  On the 17th, I was asked to email all of our past testing results to them to have on file.  Babe scanned and emailed everything that we thought might be needed.  My ultrasounds, the HSG report, his SA, pap smears, Fertility Friend charts, bloodwork - everything.  The office confirmed receipt and said they would be available at our appointment.  

Fast forward to Wednesday and the nurse checking us in explained the usual procedure of following up the next day to inform us of the Dr's treatment plan and next steps.  She probably told us a half dozen times that she would call us on Thursday.  I should have inquired about the records then before starting.  Regardless, midway through our consult it was clear the doctor had none of it in his possession.  We were the last appointment of the day and the nurse would be leaving early so we had no choice but to get them to her the next day.  This was already disappointing to me but I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt.  I mean, we really liked the doctor and I have a good enough memory to give him most of the info he needed.

Thursday morning the nurse again confirmed the records via email and said the doctor would review them ASAP. Thursday came and went and no return phone call.  Again, I tried to excuse this as they needed time to review everything properly anyways and I'd rather they had everything to work off of.  Thursday after work I ran to the lab as my RE suggested and asked for my HSG images so he didn't have to base his decisions solely on a report.  We decided that since they hadn't called back anyway we would take advantage of the time to submit the images when the office opened at 7:30 so they had ample time to review them.  

This morning Babe asked for a ride since I would be going that way before and after work anyway, so we headed out to be there when they opened.  After waiting a half hour and contacting their answering service, who confirmed they open at 7:30, I crossed my fingers and slid the disk under their shared door and left a message for them to call me.  

Later that morning I received a call that the doctor finally had all of my information.  After only 1 appointment and so many little mishaps, I needed to explain to them my concerns working with them. The woman I spoke to was very apologetic and conservatively guessed that I wouldn't hear back until sometime next week.  She said based on what she read, the doctor will more than likely order a repeat SA for Babe and a Sonohysterography or repeat HSG for myself before moving on to a Letrozole inseminated cycle as the doctor had suggested.  

At this point, it's difficult to say I'm excited because I need to be able to rely on my medical providers.  I'm starting to feel as though my expectations are too high since I'm always running into similar problems with PCP's and OB/Gyn's as well.  The only thing we can do now is wait and see how things are handled going forward.  We may not make this doctor's office our home but we'll at least give them another chance.  

Today is a pretty important day for us.  In just a couple of hours I'll be leaving to our very first RE appointment.  There's not much to say on that front other than as expected I'm anxious to see what he has to say.  

In the meantime, I'm trying to pass the time by reading.  My newest book is called "And Then There Were None" by Agatha Christie.  The book has me wondering which came first, the game of Clue or this.  It was written in the first half of the 20th century and has a classic who-done-it story line.  Maybe even one of the originals.  As I read I find myself referencing back quite a bit which means I have 3 different bookmarks going on.  

I tend to read books from current authors even if they're set during an earlier era.  However I've found that I've opened myself up to new ideas and writing styles by reading this last group of books. Although I've enjoyed them for the most part, it's hard to visualize the perspective prior to cars, advanced medicine and even television. It's been interesting though.  

Happy first day of December!  I'm pretty sure it's like new years in my mind.  This week has so many exciting things in store for it I can't even wait.  This last week was pretty kick ass too.  I finished my book just in time to prep for the weekend and of course there was Thanksgiving.  

My family came over for the occasion and literally cooked everything for us.  It was amazing.  My sister and her brood stayed the night to make it easier and left the next day leaving her two little ones behind.  Since Babe had to work on Friday the plan was to hang out with the nephews until that evening.  Surprisingly he got off early so we were able to get lunch and do a little black Friday toy shopping with them.  Then in the evening we went to the Mission Inn in Riverside for the festival of lights.  The boys loved it and we had such a blast with them.

Now I'm back at work trying to plan the coming weeks as best as I can.  Tonight we'll be attending the swearing in ceremony at my brother-in-law's law school.  Wednesday we have our much anticipated RE consultation.  It's been a long time in the making and it's finally (almost) here.  Then on Saturday I'll be taking Babe out for an anniversary gift.  I have tickets to something I really think he'll enjoy but because he may read this, I won't say what just yet.  Hopefully he likes it as much as I think he will.

Anyway, I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving as well.  Now bring on Christmas.  

Here's a little tip if you ever go paintballing, take your glasses off before putting on the mask.  Otherwise they may get stuck in the mask and you'll wind up leaving them at the paintball park before you even realize they're gone. Yesterday, because it was time and because I need new glasses before my trip, I made an appointment with my eye doctor.  It was quite possibly the best time I've ever had at any doctor. 

Since I'm being treated for diabetes by my PCP, I got my eyes dilated for the first time.  Man that is a trippy experience. To top it off, I had totally forgotten that my work offers a free pair of glasses in addition to regular insurance, if your glasses are for computer usage and your job requires a lot of it.  That meant I got to pick out two pairs while my vision was quickly deteriorating.  It probably wasn't the best idea to choose them in that state but thankfully Babe helped after I figured out how to send picture texts to him of my selections.  I decided to use my free pair as my normal glasses and my insurance pair as polarized sunglasses.  As my doctor and the receptionist were adding up my out of pocket costs I seriously began to second guess my decision.  By the end the doctor simply said, "okay, you're all taken care of".  Wait, what!?  Not only was everything going to be covered but even my copay was waived.  AMAZING!  I seriously couldn't thank them enough for putting up with all my craziness.  

Then this morning Babe and I got notice that all of our tours were approved for DC!  We'll be going to the White House on Saturday morning then Library of Congress and US Capital on Veteran's day.  If you think I'm excited you should see Babe.  He never thought he'd have a chance to visit DC let alone walk in the White House.  I'm so happy for him.  

This week is a damn good week.