My anxiety is a real thing.  It's sneaky in that I feel as though I'm rid of it when I'm not paying attention.  It comes at me in the most random times.  Mostly when I'm going to bed but then there are times like when I'm packing the diaper bag to send L off to grandma's house or when I'm scrolling through the news.  It's ugly and awful and oh so terrifying at times.

The amazing thing that going through infertility has taught me is that I can speak out loud what usually is kept quiet.  I can tell people about my fucked up reproductive system and my wonky anxiety filled brain.  As uncomfortable as it makes people feel to hear about all of that, it makes me even crazier to keep all these little secrets as if they should never be uttered.  

So when I began to open up about my anxiety I was overcome, once again, with a surprising number of friends and family who experience it as well.  And with them came a support system.  An understanding of what you actually feel like when your mind wanders from "Should I pack the stroller or the car seat?  I'll pack the car seat.  But what if my mom forgets to buckle her in because she's distracted by her adorable dimples.  And then they get into an accident. And L flies through the windshield and this will be the last time I ever see her or kiss her."  Yup, they understand it. And they have solutions or exercises.  Things that help remind me that L is happy, healthy and above all safe.  That my mom may be distracted but she loves L so much that she'd never let anything happen to her.  But most importantly, that no matter how much I worry, it will never stop bad things from happening.

It's going to be a long road this anxiety thing.  But I know I have another amazing support system to turn towards when things are rough.

There's no longer denying, I have gestational diabetes.  Let me start with my doctor's visit.  Leading up to this appointment, especially since the last one, I've been trying to grasp what could be for me and my little one over the next 4 months.  So when my OB reviewed my blood sugar levels and told me they were bad it wasn't as difficult to hear this time around.  He explained it to me this way: my placenta is creating a lot more insulin than I usually get and my body cannot regulate it.  My diet, albeit good, isn't really doing anything nor is Metformin which I am currently maxed out on.  He was very blunt but also very kind, not mincing any words yet keeping it professional.  

Babe was at the appointment with me so he heard first hand my new plan.  We'll have to continue to go to the perinatologists office that I hate but I'm going to try my best not to be seen my Dr. Rude if I can help it.  E also promised me that he would be at every visit and speak up when necessary.  I feel much more at ease this time around and am just hoping Bean turns out healthy.  We only have 16 weeks to go before this little guy makes his or her arrival and if a few sacrifices here and there ensure his safe arrival, I'm all for it.

It's been so long and so much has happened since my last post.  We got to see baby bean again and he's doing so perfect. My OB actually said it was a perfect pregnancy which was so great to hear a couple of very frustrating appointments and a worrisome mama.  By the end of this month we'll be able to see him another two times, once for a standard appointment and another for my anatomy scan at the perinatologists.  Of course with every new appointment comes the added stress that they'll find something wrong followed by the relief that all is okay.  I'm trying to take one appointment at a time and relish in the fact that I have a healthy baby growing inside of me that will join us in just 5 months time.

Aside from baby we've been incredibly busy now that we're new home owners again!  Our houses closed on the 25th and 26th and we were finally able to move on the 3rd.  Thankfully Babe was understanding enough with both our health that we hired movers making it the most boring moving day ever.  I'm so not used to that.  But 10 hours later and Babe and I were on, unpacking boxes and making this new home ours.  It's been 5 days and we're doing pretty well with the transition.  Babe by the way is a rockstar when it comes to home maintenance and I never know why I'm so surprised.  It also bugs him that I am, sorry Babe, I don't mean to have little faith.  It's just, that man can locate just about any problem, pick up a tool and with only a handful of curse words and a trip or two to Home Depot have it fixed in no time.  He's definitely taking on the lion-share of housework/unpacking without one complaint after I ended up with swollen ankles and belly pain over the weekend.  

And now that we've completed that hurdle, I've been taken off of the baby related purchase ban.  Babe actually started it off by suggesting we stop off at the bookstore on the way home one day.  He said he needed a how-to book for the house and suggested I look around for a new read for myself.  Instead I walked to the very back of the bookstore to the children's section and set out to look for "My I Love You".  Five seconds later E strolls to the same section to look for the exact same book, the real reason he wanted to stop.  Of course I always ruin surprises and this was no different.  Except that both baby beans mommy and daddy had the same idea for his first baby item and it was still such a sweet surprise.

With that I'll leave you with two of my favorite pictures from this weekend.  The first is our new killer view from the back of the house and the second is the master bedroom accent wall which just happened to match my nail polish.  I swear it wasn't planned.

Is it possible to be even more blessed than you already are.  I mean, this feeling has been oozing out of me for a while but there have been so many more unexpected things happen to us I don't know how to contain myself.

As you know we had planned to move soon.  We were shocked to find we received an offer a week after putting it on the market.  Thank God, one thing down.  Since then we've been scouring the surrounding cities looking for the perfect house, with the perfect location all within our budget.  Babe and I had started to get discouraged because we couldn't quite find that combination until this weekend.  As soon as we saw it online we knew it could be our house but the day we arrived we realized the odds were against us.  In four days of being on the market more than 30 people had already walked through and offers had already been submitted.  We literally were sitting in our car outside waiting for our realtor watching cars slow down in front of it and pick up the phone.  

The house was as close to perfect as we could get.  The neighborhood was ideal, only 5 minutes from our current home but in a better part of town with better schools for baby bean.  The lot was large, large enough to have all our families over, let the dog run free, watch our little ones grow.  And the house, large enough to grow our family for the rest of our lives.  Good enough to feel cozy in, to make it our home.  It felt right, but we knew the competition was going to be tough.  So we did what any realtor would suggest of their clients, offer as much as you could.  By the next morning all our cards were on the table and we were nervous.  It would be a lot for us but it was doable.  I mean we'd done it before and if this was the right move, we'll never have to do it again.  

That same night we were notified that everyone would need to go back to the drawing board and come back with their very best offer.  E and I talked about it and realized there was nothing more we could do.  We'd already given them everything we could, we'd even written a letter to the homeowner directly thanking her for showing us around.  We took a huge risk knowing we would more than likely not be chosen.  We decided to resubmit the exact same offer.  

Last nights call came as expected.  Babe and I had resigned ourselves to not getting chosen because we didn't have any more to give.  We would just have to schedule more walk through over the weekend to find that right place.  But then our realtor said something that we had never in a million years expected, they chose our offer.  What?  But how? Why?  So many questions, some that we're okay are never answered.

Of course the second we get off the phone Babe begins budgeting, packing and planning some more.  After this years medical problems we've still been waiting receive the bills for his surgery, my fertility treatments and of course planning for baby beans impending birth.  So I promised I would call the insurance company first thing in the morning to find out what's taking so long on his surgery bill.  This morning I talked to John.  By the way, I could kiss John.  John told me that the insurance had already been billed and that we should never receive a bill for E's knee surgery. Seriously!  He also told me that when baby bean is born, we will not be charged one penny.  As I relayed the information to my husband I could literally hear the smile spreading across his face.  How great it is to hear his sign of relief.

I'm just at a loss for words at how good God is.  How much things have turned around for us when we were expecting such devastation this year.  That there are too many things to be thankful for to count.  But oh how I am.

I'm feeling particularly thankful lately.  Maybe because of baby bean or maybe because it's due to all the amazing things that are happening for us lately.  Either way  I feel like maybe I was never this thankful before, at least not to pour out of me.  

It's funny because every Thanksgiving my family likes to do this thing where you go around the table and say what you're thankful for.  I'm sure many people celebrate similarly.  Whenever my turn comes around though I feel so lame. Of course I'm thankful for my husband, my family, my home my job, why must I say it over and over again.  Is it ever okay to not be thankful?  I know that's how I felt last year.  I hate the expectation of having to share something especially when I really can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  So maybe I'm making up for it, who knows.  

Really I just want a reminder later on down the line that there's so much to be thankful for.  Even in the darkest moments because it won't always be that way.  Just like the saying goes "on particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good".

So here are just a few things I'm thankful for lately.  

I'm here.  I'm reading and I'm thinking about everything and everyone.  It's a touchy subject though being pregnant on an IF blog.  I don't know if avoiding is the right way to navigate this new world or if information is.  What I will say is I totally understand if dropping me from your regular list of blog reads is necessary to keep your sanity.  I've been there. What I've debated mostly is how to maintain this blog while staying true to the mission I had when I first started. Sharing the truth of my feelings and allowing myself a space to explore them.  I'm sorry if I hurt any feelings along the way and hope and pray that you're all not far behind me.  I've attempted to separate blog posts from IF to pregnancy with no luck.  I'll have to do some more digging because my Blogger dashboard isn't functioning properly for me.  In the meantime I will try to be as honest as possible while still being sensitive to anyone who may need it.  With that being said, I'm staying put.  

So this whole pregnancy after infertility is really screwing with my head.  My first HCG blood draw was 222 and 14dpIUI, my second a week later was 2607, his heartbeat was 117 bpm at 6 weeks and at that time was measuring just a couple days behind.  Those are all great numbers but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I'm happy, don't get me wrong.  I'm incredibly happy.  It just seems too good to be true.  The reality though is that our bean is extremely healthy and doing everything a baby bean should do.  What I need to do is keep thinking positive.  Keep appreciating all the good that has come from this.  There's nothing significant during this pregnancy that makes any of my doctor's think this is anything but a take home baby and all the worrying in the world won't make the outcome any different.  So my goal is to relish in the fact that life is growing inside me.  Hope for the best and enjoy every second of any discomfort I may be feeling.  Because in the end we have a miracle on the way.  

4 times, that's how many times I've been asked a variation of if I'm pregnant or not in the last week.  As if I haven't put enough stress on myself people have to go and add more. Here's the thing, no one comes out to ask those exact words so that they can't be blamed.  I know this because when I finally called out the fourth person in front of the first person neither of them recognized that they asked such an inappropriate question.  So can we please all just agree that any form of asking if someone is pregnant is bad form, off limits, should never be uttered.  Here are a few creative ways not to ask someone if they are pregnant.  

• Is there something you want to tell us?  Seems innocent enough but you know what you mean and they definitely know what you mean.  So stop, just stop.
• Do you feel pregnant?  No I feel like punching you in the face.  
• Are you wearing maternity pants? What, no!  And now you're calling me fat so thank you for that double gut punch.  
• Are you craving that because...?  I'm having a craving because I'm human.  Pregnant women aren't the only people who have cravings.
• So why aren't you drinking?  Because it's none of your business.  But if you must know, I don't need to be a lush to prove I'm not pregnant. 
• And lastly the tummy rub.  NEVER, NEVER, EVER reach for another woman's stomach to insinuate she might be pregnant unless she's given you permission.  First off I've never been one to understand strangers reaching for your stomach anyways but it's even more humiliating when you're not carrying a child.  

So rather than try to hint around asking someone if they're pregnant, just wait until they bring the subject up.  It's safer for you if you never ask these questions to another human being.  

P.S. All of the above have actually happened to me.  So yeah, that's not embarrassing at all.

I'm on the other side today and yet nothing feels different.  It all started Tuesday when I had my second ultrasound to see how I'd responded to the Letrozole.  Apparently pretty well.  I had two follicles growing nicely, the one on my right side was 19 mm and the one on my left was 17.5 mm.  Also my uterine lining was thickening on target and by CD 13 it was 9 mm.  So my doctor's office administered my trigger shot and sent me on my way with instructions to come back the next two days.  

Day one I was a ball of nerves.  Even though my appointment wasn't until 10:30 I woke up to take my temp at the usual time of 6:30 and wasn't even close to going back to sleep.  I spent the rest of the morning puttering around the house getting ready for our realtor and trying to distract myself.  We left the house at 8:45 to drop off Babe's sample and decided to go to breakfast while we waited for my appointment.  It started off as usual, with an ultrasound to see how everything was progressing followed by some pressure while the speculum and catheter were being positioned. A few short minutes later and the procedure was over.  Babe and I stayed in the room for about 10 more minutes joking and laughing until we were finally released.  E had to go to work in the afternoon so I spent much of the day lounging around and napping on and off.  It was awesome.  And other than cramping before bed, it was pretty much a breeze.

Day two was pretty much a repeat but I felt less anxious.  This time when I arrived no ultrasound was needed.  Instead it was just a couple of minutes and way less uncomfortable.  After the 10 minutes we were asked to speak to the nurse who gave us instructions for my Progesterone tablets and the go-ahead to test on the 11th.  We left the office feeling happy and hopeful.  Since it was so much later and neither of us were expected back at work, we decided to take in a matinee before dinner.  

Overall I feel good about the IUI's and am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.  After all, the 11th isn't too far away is it?

We're pretty open out our IF struggles at this point, a far cry from just a year ago.  So last night when E turned down an offer for a drink from my brother-in-law it got the conversation going on our upcoming IUI.  For me it's been a bitter sweet topic of conversation.  I love the fact that people are willing to ask us educated questions and genuinely try to understand IF as a whole.  On the other hand, I'm completely terrified that people will be on the other side of our IUI waiting to hear the results.  What I have started saying is that if it's positive, we'll definitely let you know.  If it's not, we may need space to grieve and please just understand if we don't come out and tell you.

So this morning DH and I got to talking about it again and he explained why he doesn't mind telling people we're not successful.  As someone who's dealt with IF for a while now, you're so used to hearing the success stories because that's what most people share.  But if we're trying, let them see that.  Then the next time someone shares their IF with them they may understand.  Now let's take it a step further.  What happens if we're not successful after thousands of dollars and years of treatments?  Would that make them think twice before sharing the story of that friend who miraculously got knocked up as they were prepping for adoption, etc.  Maybe, who knows.  The point is, not every IF story has a happy ending and if we're going to open up that dialogue we might as well make it honest.  

There are times when I feel like DH and I are so different in our IF thinking.  But most of the time I'm happy and proud we are.  We learn so much from and have so much more to offer each other.  

Thank you all for visiting my blog in the last week.  I've realized more than ever that our support system rocks and E & I are incredibly blessed.  As I mentioned, I came out officially on Facebook even though I was insanely nervous.  It couldn't have gone better.  Immediately we were inundated with comments, personal messages, texts and emails from so many of our friends and family showing their love and support.  I think it touched a lot of people more than I was ever anticipating.  Other than a few adoption comments which was a great platform to educate, NIAW for us was a success.  

If you haven't been following the movement, just do a quick search of #NIAW on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.  I've found a few more amazing blogs because of it this week.  Also, check back on Resolve's 2015 Bloggers Unite Blogroll.  A lot of my favorites participated and I was able to find a few more because of it.  Also see how you can participate in upcoming events such as Advocacy Day or a Walk of Hope in your area.  National Infertility Awareness Week may be over but there's still so much more work to be done.  

In the midst of all of it we are still trekking towards our IUI in less than a month.  Babe and I had completed our blood work almost as quickly as they provided the order.  Then on Thursday I was informed that my RE didn't complete the order like they should have and had to request I get more blood work done right away.  I'm trying not to get frustrated with them but I must admit it's becoming difficult.  My concern is that something will have been missed and because this is our first time we won't know until it's too late.  I was just hoping that since spontaneous conception isn't in the cards for us that this experience would be a little more positive.  Hopefully going forward it can be.

When I started approaching the year mark I thought I needed to educate myself more on my reproductive system and picked up the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler.  Although I may have been a bit naive at the time, it's still quite possibly the best resource out there on the topic.   When I came across this next blogger I was sold as soon as I saw that she also recommended it.  Lisa's blog post 10 Tips for Surviving Infertility at Amateur Nester, suggests that your first steps are to educate yourself.  The list is less about the hardships of infertility and more about taking taking care of yourself, enjoying yourself and paying attention to your partner.  Things that are so often lost when you're overcome with the stresses of infertility.  For those of us who are actually dealing with infertility, you can also use the information when thinking about distractions during the dreaded 2WW.  There are so many practical applications for this post and I challenge you use them in your everyday life.  

So for my final blog highlight, 10 Tips for Surviving Infertility on Amateur Nester, please click on the picture below.  

Regina is a woman after my own heart.  I am often left wondering, questioning and reevaluating past experiences but in my case often to a fault.  In Regina's post What If... I Said What I Was Thinking on her blog The Broken Brown Egg, she suggests what I consider on a regular basis, what if "I said the first things that came to my mind?"  Recently I opened up to my mom and sister about my diagnosis and asked for their suggestions on something.  I was shocked to hear my sister point out how many things E and I have to think about on a regular basis.  Afterwards I considered what the conversation would have been like if I always just spoke what was on my mind to her.  Not negatively but honestly.  Would that be the easiest way to awareness?  Or would she be more closed off to our struggle thinking I'm constantly complaining?  What I also like about this post is that it's very clear how much infertility consumes us sometimes, even when we don't realize it.  

I encourage you to click on the picture below to read the full blog post What If... I Said What I Was Thinking on The Broken Brown Egg.

Today's reblog comes from a guest post written by Katie on Katherine's blog Proverbs & Pacifiers called Dealing with Infertility: A Better Way To Talk About Not Having Babies.  So often we in the infertility community don't share our struggle because of the negative reactions we receive.  Although most reactions come from inexperience and not ill will, we're frequently left feeling hurt or anger towards that person or situation.  

Often when searching the word "infertility" the results will produce dozens of lists about what not to say to someone with infertility.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing but I personally appreciate it when  the suggestions have a positive twist to them.  Katie's post, as well as others I will be highlighting later this week, are some of the most articulate and compassionate out there.  When I first came across it I was reminded of all the times I may have unknowingly put my foot in my mouth during other uncomfortable topics of conversation.  It's what we do as humans.  However Katie reminds us that there is a way to talk about infertility and by educating yourself you may find that it's not what you say but how you say it that makes all the difference.

So please click on the picture below to read the full post Dealing with Infertility: A Better Way To Talk About Not Having Babies on Proverbs & Pacifiers.  

For the next few days of National Infertility Awareness Week I will be highlighting some of the blog posts I've come to reference.  Each of these is posted on my NIAW Pinterest board but they mean so much to me I thought I'd share them here as well.  Like I mentioned yesterday no matter how infertility affects you, there are resources.

Today's blog post belongs to Chris and Candace Wohl from Our Misconception.  Candace and Chris have bravely shared their story not only on their blog but also with the world on numerous outlets including MTV's True Life, where you watched with much emotion, their final attempt at IVF. Their post Resolve to Know More About Surviving Infertility made them the 2014 recipients of the Hope Award for Best Blog from Resolve.  This post is raw and heartfelt.  It's the life, the heart and the mind of what it's like to live the life of infertility.  As you read remember that there's a reason the Wohl's share their struggle with us.  They do it for the other 1 in 8 couples like them.  To bring awareness to our disease so that others can find or be support in a community that is so often hushed.

So without further ado, click on the picture below to read the complete post Resolve to Know More About Surviving Infertility on Our Misconception.  

Hello my name is Cynthia F. and my husband and I  are 1 in 8.

What I'm about to post comes after a lot of thought and plenty of nerves.  For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom.  I've doted on our family and friends chubby cheeked infants for years hoping to garner practice for the time when E and I could have a baby or babies of our own.  Unfortunately for us life isn't always how we plan.  For the past few years we have struggled with infertility.  Something I personally have been afraid to say out loud for fear of sounding like a failure.  It has led to many doctors' appointments, tears and ultimately heartache each and every month.  For what seems so easy for others is not coming easily for  us and still our story is not over.

Infertility can be a cringe worthy topic to some, especially to be shared on social media.  We had hoped that given time, coming out about our infertility would be unnecessary because we would eventually fall pregnant.  Month after month we were proven wrong and the shame of it has kept more me than us quiet.  That is why I am writing this today. Infertility, be it primary, secondary, permanent, etc. should not be shameful.  It is a disease like many others, which robs 1 in 8 couples of realizing their dream of becoming parents.  It comes to the rich and poor, young and old, healthy and unhealthy alike.  It can be the result of one "issue", many "issues" and in numerous cases can be completely unexplained.  Regardless of the diagnosis behind it, each couple is plagued with difficult decisions, countless medical procedures, emotional ups and downs, and well intentioned stories and suggestions.

I write this to break the silence during this, National Infertility Awareness Week.  To provide a glimpse into our own struggle  with the hopes that it empowers others dealing with this terribly taboo topic.  To ask for your love and support in a way that allows you to see infertility in the real light as opposed to myths we see in movies and on television.  And to remind each and every one of you that although you may not struggle with infertility personally, 1 in 8 couples does and chances are you know one of them.  There are so many resources out there for you no matter how it affects you.

If you are also 1 in 8 my heart truly goes out to you. My best advice is to create a great support network for yourself. Unlike other diseases, support usually has to be sought out as opposed to coming to you. Visit Resolve.org, join a support group or prayer chain.  Believe me when I tell you, even though it hurts sometimes; it helps more than anything to tell your story.  You'd be surprised at the outpouring of support you will receive.  Also know that I am always here to talk whenever you may need it because you are definitely not alone. My prayers are always with you. And for your physical health do your research and find good medical professionals. Its amazing what they can offer you even if it's just peace of mind. For the rest of you, be the person that listens or that shoulder to cry on.   Educate yourselves for your loved one,  even the most well-meaning recommendations can wound someone dealing with infertility.  Resolve.org also has resources for you as do countless blogs like Keiko Zoll's, Our Misconception, and The Broken Brown Egg.  Your support can mean the world to them.

Lastly I want to personally thank each and every one of you who has been there for E and I during this trying time. Some of you knew the full extent of our struggle and has touched us in more ways than we could have asked.  We love you deeply and promise that although we may not share every gritty detail, you will be the first to know when our family is expanding in whichever fashion it happens. 

CF/Dominican Dreamer

Now that April is here I'm starting to feel everything that it brings.  Aside from the beautiful Southern California weather we are having it means celebrations of all different sorts.  It means prepping financially and medically for an exciting next month.  What it also brings is National Infertility Awareness Week #NIAW, April 19-25th.  

Last year I had cautiously decided against going public about our struggle.  I mean, we were going to get pregnant anyways so it wouldn't matter...right?  Instead I publicized my infertility board on Pinterest and hinted around the subject.  I at least wasn't going to keep quiet about it.  Babe at the time was incredibly supportive.  He had originally encouraged me to say something on FB but understood why I was apprehensive.  356 days later and I've decided I'm not waiting any longer.  Okay well maybe another nine days until April 19th at least.

Although I'm sure many people have guessed and our inner circle is already aware, I'm incredibly nervous to put it all out there.  So bare and so permanent.  I've already typed up what I'd like to say and have been creating a new Pinterest board with resources for those of us struggling as well as their friends and family.  In addition, since I will be sharing my infertility with everyone IRL, I also plan on finally reveling myself here as well!  Whoa, whoa, whoa, crazy I know.  For the past year I've given it a lot of thought and I feel really good about all these changes.  

In addition to NIAW, I've also been thinking of ways to participate in Advocacy Day and in my own baby steps way, I finally have that opportunity.  Chris and Candace from their blog Our Misconception offered to take letters to our representatives for us!  How awesome of them is that!  So in a small way, and thanks to them, I'm able to participate in not only National Infertility Awareness Week but Advocacy Day to bring awareness to the infertility community.  If you have a chance, take a look at their blog and consider writing a letter of your own to help initiate change in legislation.  

I'm so exited to be doing so much for myself and my community in the next couple of months.

I can't believe it's already April.  My friend just reminded me that if I'm having an IUI in May that it's next month!  It seems so surreal to be on the verge of a serious chance.

Anyway, with 3 months down this year I'm already well on my way to my reading goal.  As of the beginning of this year I've finished 10 books and only have 15 more until I meet it.  Some have been pretty pathetic, others have been out of guilt and only a couple have been really good.

1.	Unbroken: A WWII Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption	Laura Hillenbrand
2.	The Scorch Trials (Maze Runner, Book 2)	James Dashner
3.	The Death Cure (Maze Runner, Book 3)	James Dashner
4.	We Were Liars *	E. Lockhart
5.	The Kill Order (Maze Runner, Prequel)	James Dashner
6.	Before I Fall	Lauren Oliver
7.	A Higher Call: An Incredible True Story of Combat & Chivalry in the War-Torn Skies of WWII	Adam Makos
8.	The Husband’s Secret	Liane Moriarty
9.	If He Had Been with Me *	Laura Nowlin
10.	Turnabout	Margaret Peterson Haddix

I know I should probably be reading something with a little more substance but I've really liked two of the young adult books I've read this year.  If He Had Been with Me probably wouldn't appeal to everyone but I enjoyed it and even considered reading it again.

Next I'd really like to read The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt which comes out on paperback this week.  Plus I have about 16 others on my FB BookTracker app as well as my Amazon wishlist.  It's been awesome that people have gifted me Barnes & Noble and Amazon gift cards lately.  It might be time to go back to the bookstore to stock up.

This weekend I was able to sit and speak candidly with my new OB/Gyn about my endometriosis concerns.  I'd tried to have this conversation with my last Gyn but if I remember correctly I was too nervous to remember to bring it up during my one and only visit.  Regardless, I'd shared my symptoms with my RE who admittedly does not know much about endo to offer his help but recommended I speak with my doctor about it and keep him informed so he could be involved.  I'd scheduled my appointment about a month ago and on Saturday lugged all of my relevant records and test results to his office.

Dr. J had kindly looked at my charts prior to me even stepping foot in the door which I was very thankful for.  Without even introducing myself to him he already knew of my history rather than catching himself up for the duration of our meeting.  I was very open and straight forward with him.  I believe I have endo and I'm concerned that if it doesn't get resolved I will never have a chance to conceive naturally considering I only feel ovulation on my left side and if  I do become pregnant am afraid of the likelihood of an ectopic pregnancy in my left tube.  What can I do before we proceed with an IUI?  He was frank.  Endo cannot be removed from fallopian tubes without causing even more damage to them.  Even the act of putting the camera in me could cause even more adhesions and scar tissue.  My left tube should be considered non-existent.  It's possible an extra sensitive ovary is being mistaken for ovulation pain and that I am in fact ovulating on the right.  Considering the ways to diagnose and treat endo are counterproductive to conceiving, Dr. J encouraged E and I to move forward with the IUI.  He was generous in saying that  if I truly wanted him to proceed with treatment now he would, but he feels I have better chances with an IUI now than if I would wait to be treated.  His suggestion is that if after 3 IUI cycles I still want to move forward, he would feel more comfortable treating me then.  

It was a relief to get that appointment out of the way.  For someone who's had two and a half years to study my condition, it felt nice to have an educated conversation with a doctor and not feel disregarded.  Doctors are so used to being the expert in every medical field that when you come to them with information it often time results in being blown off.  With Dr. J and with Dr. N, my RE, I don't feel that way at all.  I'm genuinely looking forward to having them on our side.  

My stomach is in knots.  Twisting and turning waiting to hear back from our RE.  Babe did his SA last week and was told the results would take 7-10 days.  This morning as I was emailing them to be sure my referral made it, the nurse asked when we wanted to begin our IUI cycle.  What?!  Could this be a small oversight in our records from when the Dr. didn't have his original results and thought we should move right into IUI?  Or could this be them accidentally slipping up and telling us we're good candidates for an IUI before we've actually received the results?  

I'm trying to remain a realist optimist.  Is that even possible?  It would be amazing if the numbers have improved and it's not a hurdle we have to be concerned about.  There would still be so many questions I would want answered.  But that's for another time.

She said she was verifying the numbers with another nurse but that they would get back to us to soon.  It would just be unbelievable if it truly is an option for us.  We'll know soon I guess.

I'm so happy I'm crying happy tears for only the second time in my life.  I just got the call today that our referral for our RE was finally and officially approved!  Over the past couple of months, okay like 14 of them, I never expected to finally make it to this point.  The road ahead of us is a bit scary and unknowing, but I'm so beyond ready to go down it finally.  

What perfect timing too because yesterday Babe picked up his repeat SA kit from them since we were going to be paying for that out of pocket anyway.  Now any follow up appointments, testing or treatments will be covered as well. I'm so grateful to have all of that behind us now.