I was reminded of this again today and I can't help but share how much I love it.  It's a poem you may have read before by MaryAnn K. Cusimano called You are my I love you.  Many of the lines I've yet to experience but there were still a few as baby beans mom that are already so accurate.  

I am your parent, you are my child

I am your quiet place, you are my wild

I am your calm face, you are my giggle

I am your wait, you are my wiggle

I am your audience, you are my clown

I am your London Bridge, you are my falling down

I am your carrot sticks, you are my licorice

I am your dandelion, you are my first wish

I am your water wings, you are my deep

I am your open arms, you are my running leap

I am your way home, you are my new path

I am your dry towel, you are my wet bath

I am your dinner, you are my chocolate cake

I am your bedtime, you are my wide awake

I am your finish line, you are my race

I am your praying hands, you are my saying grace

I am your favorite book, you are my new lines

I am your nightlight, you are my sunshine

I am your lullaby, you are my peek-a-boo

I am your kiss goodnight, you are my I love you

In planning for our soon-to-be nursery, I've looked at many design ideas that have caught my attention.  But none I like more than the little library complete with cardboard books for baby bean and us to share.  Once we're moved in this will be the very first book I buy for it.  

I'm well into my way into this years reading goal and I'm feeling good.  After last years goal of 20 books was beat, I decided to up it slightly giving myself a goal of 25 books finished in 2015.  So on my Christmas wishlist, as always, I asked for books.  And this year ! got them!

To help me finish off the series, my brother-in-law purchased the last three Maze Runner books which I just now completed.  Then my co-worker bought me a couple NY Times Best Sellers to complete my collection.  And although I'm not completely done with them, the first I read was pretty damn good.  In fact if you're looking for a book rec, I highly suggest We Were Liars by E. Lockhart.  It's supposed to be a teen read, which I can see, but it was also done so well and left you scratching your head in disbelief.

Anyway, here are my reads for the year so fart...

1.	Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption	Laura Hillenbrand
2.	The Scorch Trials (Maze Runner, Book 2)	James Dashner
3.	The Death Cure (Maze Runner, Book Three)	James Dashner
4.	We Were Liars	E. Lockhart
5.	The Kill Order (Maze Runner, Prequel)	James Dashner

Though I loved them, now I'm excited to read anything but the Maze Runner series.  On my list is A Higher Call by Adam Makos, Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver and a book by Joyce Carol Oates that I can't quite seem to remember the title right now We Were the Mulvaneys by Joyce Carol Oates.

The last couple of weeks have been exceptionally hard for me as you could tell from my posts. I had let everything, even the most miniscule triggers get to me. So much so that I found myself on more than one occasion sobbing uncontrollably and alone. It was as though the last two years of tears and emotions had just been found and I was succumbing to them all at once.

It got so bad that I truly dreaded seeing my niece and nephews on Christmas eve and Christmas day. It made me feel awful to have such feelings when I love them so much. On top of it we had already made plans to see our godson and my friends and their newborn out of town. If I spent even want to be near our families why would being around our friends kids be any different.

Christmas eve rolled around and with it a half dozen infants celebrating their first Christmases.  What I was so worried about was quickly forgotten the moment I set eyes on my niece in her santa dress.  It reminded me how much love they bring to your life especially when you need it most.

Even today as I clean up my pictures and prepare them for our 2014 family year book I came across a silly little clip my oldest nephew made in secret on my phone Christmas day. I couldn't help playing it on repeat today.

-DD

I'm having a hard time this holiday season.  Maybe because of the fact that two years is still looming in the back of my head.  Maybe it's because of the fact that my cousin has lapped us twice in one year.  Maybe it's because the holidays seem to be mostly centered around children or the various Christmas cards with babies on Santa's lap we've gotten over the last couple of weeks.  Whatever it is, I've found it really hard to be thankful during Thanksgiving and am finding it even more hard to actually take in that Christmas is only 3 days away without crying.  

The funny thing is my year has actually been pretty amazing for the most part.  Until I realize that what's amazing in it is what's happened for all our friends and family and not us.  Most days I'm happy and I know that things will get better.  In whatever way they will.  But today, today just reminds me that there's no guarantee of that.  

Right now I'm supposed to be booking a hotel for a last minute night away Babe and I plan on taking next week. We're going from Vegas for a weekend to surprising my friend in Fresno who just had her baby.  Who wouldn't love both of those things?  Apparently me.  Because I'm dreading what I have to get through to make it to the other side, 50+ people and 5 new babies.  And the questions, the looks, the hums and haws that we're "trying but haven't had any luck".  All I can think is thank God I can drink right now.  Who knows, maybe I'll "accidentally" book a room in Vegas for earlier than planned.

Happy first day of December!  I'm pretty sure it's like new years in my mind.  This week has so many exciting things in store for it I can't even wait.  This last week was pretty kick ass too.  I finished my book just in time to prep for the weekend and of course there was Thanksgiving.  

My family came over for the occasion and literally cooked everything for us.  It was amazing.  My sister and her brood stayed the night to make it easier and left the next day leaving her two little ones behind.  Since Babe had to work on Friday the plan was to hang out with the nephews until that evening.  Surprisingly he got off early so we were able to get lunch and do a little black Friday toy shopping with them.  Then in the evening we went to the Mission Inn in Riverside for the festival of lights.  The boys loved it and we had such a blast with them.

Now I'm back at work trying to plan the coming weeks as best as I can.  Tonight we'll be attending the swearing in ceremony at my brother-in-law's law school.  Wednesday we have our much anticipated RE consultation.  It's been a long time in the making and it's finally (almost) here.  Then on Saturday I'll be taking Babe out for an anniversary gift.  I have tickets to something I really think he'll enjoy but because he may read this, I won't say what just yet.  Hopefully he likes it as much as I think he will.

Anyway, I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving as well.  Now bring on Christmas.  

It was so good.  I'm talking about the book I just finished, The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield.  It was the perfect mix between mystery, scandal and love, and I'm not even talking the mushy kind.  Now I'm on another roll to see how many I can read before the end of the year.  I've honestly lost track but am pretty sure I'm right around 20.  I'll have to check after this.

Anyway, I'm ready for the next book and can't wait to start it.  This one is called The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon.  When we were in New York we actually saw that it had been turned into an off Broadway play.  I was slightly less intrigued by it than the book simply because I hadn't read it yet, so we passed.  

This one may take a little longer to finish because I'm knee deep in house cleaning and preparing for Thanksgiving when the whole fandamily descends on the DD household.  Then I will have both of my sister's boys for our first over-nighter while they celebrate her husbands birthday.  I'm super excited but totally nervous.  

I am officially done with crazy book.  Thank goodness!  It was such a train-wreck and so difficult to follow in spurts which made it hard to keep my interest.  To help get me through it though, I did read through all of Gone Girl and had my next book ready and waiting. My next book is... drum roll please... And The Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini.

If you haven't read Khaled Hosseini before, I feel very sorry for you. No I'm just kidding.  But seriously, his books Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns are quite possibly two of my favorite books.  Reading them is the epitome of immersing yourself in a world you never would have experienced in your everyday life. They're moving and so powerfully written, I just can't describe it. One of my coworkers lost her father who brought the passion of reading into her life.  Since then she hasn't been able to pick up a book and follow it all the way through.  I lent her my copy of Kite Runner and now there isn't a spare moment I don't turn around to see her nose in a new book.  

Okay so my point is, please read these two books if you haven't already.  Please.  Now I can't vouch for his newest one, And The Mountains Echoed, but I'm hoping it's just as great as his others. As soon as I'm done I'll let you know.  

Besides reading, I've been pretty busy with the rest of my life.  The Walk of Hope was this past Sunday and I'm so glad I went.  It was the smallest walk I've ever participated in but it was great nonetheless.  There was a moment when we had made it all the way to the pier and turned around to walk back and I could see all the people who had been walking behind us.  It made me tear up knowing each of these people had overcome the taboo topic of infertility to come together for them or someone they love.  It made me so proud to be apart of it.  

Afterwards we had lunch with our OC friends since we were in the area. These are friends who live more than an hour a way but try to make it out to the I.E. whenever they can.  It had been almost six months since the last time we saw each other and it always feels like home when I see them.  Last year Babe and I had inadvertently thrown a naughty Christmas party for all our friends and we had been considering making it a tradition.  How do you do that you ask? Well you look up synonyms for a white elephant and send out an invite with the words "dirty santa" with a totally innocent mind.  Then your husband answers yes when asked, "are we supposed to bring 'dirty' gifts".  Everyone got pretty creative especially our OC friends.  Well over lunch they had told us the gift they received from us had been the topic of conversation among their friends and were excited for us to throw another one.  So it looks like we're doing it again this year. Except, how do we top this...

Yay, Fertility Friend confirms I've ovulated!  Even better, we got it in just in time!  Unfortunately my progesterone test is scheduled for 10 DPO (days past ovulation) because the lab is closed for the next 3 days.  Hopefully that won't be too late though.

In other news my good friend from up North, the one who just found out she was pregnant, is coming to stay with us for the weekend.  I haven't seen here in over a year and I'm super excited to celebrate with her and her hubby.  

This also happens to be a three day weekend and my moms birthday.  So along with having house guests, we plan on celebrating with my mom and her husband by having lunch one day while also bbqing with my godson's parents. It's definitely going to be an extremely busy weekend but I'm so excited about it all.  

This weekend was a blur of activities in the DD household.  Saturday afternoon, Babe's little brother graduated from law school.  So our family celebrated the best way we know how, by eating, drinking and then eating some more. Everyone, including my nephew, was up until 1:30 partying in honor of his great accomplishment and stocking up since he'll be studying for the bar for the next 10 weeks straight.

Then there was Sunday.  We started off by meeting my mom and her husband for lunch at a Japanese teppan steak house.  I don't see her as often as I should and it was really great to this weekend.  I need to make more of an effort there for sure.  Afterwards we drove just up the street to visit my in-laws again and celebrate with them.  My husbands mom passed away three years ago so we try to at least spend some time with each other in her honor.  We ended up staying late eating, playing cards and watching Game of Thrones.  Side note, that was a great episode and I can't wait for next weeks.  

Sometime during the day I mentioned to Babe that it was harder for me this year than it was last year.  As I was saying it I felt so silly.  It didn't help that I was wished a happy mother's day multiple times by strangers even though I wasn't with any children.  How can someone hurt during mother's day when they were never a mother to begin with?  For a while I even sat on the bathroom floor unable to hold back the tears.  In 2012 I would have sworn that by mother's day 2013 I would already have a little one on the way.  Last month I even day dreamed about announcing a pregnancy to our families for mother's day 2014.  Instead I'm left wondering if that'll even happen before the next one rolls around.  How bitter will I be by then?  I never thought I'd say this but mother's day kind of sucks.  At least for anyone with that feeling of loss.  

March and May tend to be the busiest months in Babe and my families respectively.  In March we celebrate 4 birthdays, 1 birth, my in-laws wedding anniversary and also have the added weight of the anniversary of my mother-in-laws passing.  March is usually a lot of fun hanging out with family and friends.  Every once in a while it's stressful though and may be hard to get to posting on some of the more tiresome days.  

Last night, kicked off the funner festivities with a little get together for my three year old nephews birthday.  My brother-in-law and sister-in-law hosted immediate family for dinner, cake and present opening.  This year to honor being in their new house, we all pitched in to help pay for a new jungle gym and swing set for their back yard.  With the new baby coming we thought it would help him get his wiggles out where he's not wreaking havoc.  

While we were there my sister-in-law showed us some of the decorations she's planning on putting up in the baby's room.  Surprise, surprise, they're the exact colors and shades I was using for her quilt!  That got me super pumped to finish it as soon as possible.  

I know the quilt looks Christmasy in this picture but it's actually more pink and green/blue than red.  Anyway, as you can see I've completed the whole quilt top.  What you cannot see is that I've basted it with the other layers (batting and a purple dotted minky fabric) and have already begun my first attempt at free motion quilting.  Free motion quilting is a technique used to make those pretty designs to attach the fabric together. So far I'm not too thrilled with my first design.  Thankfully though it only takes up a really small portion of the quilt.  The design I'm working on next is a modified Greek key in honor of her parents honeymoon location. 

Depending on how busy the next month is, I should finish the whole thing in the next week or two.  I can't wait to give it to them and be able to start on my nephews.  

I've never been much for celebrating my own birthdays.  The best thing about it is getting to choose where we eat. This year though is just a reminder of the past twelve months of heartache.

This morning I woke up with some mild spotting, my temps had plummeted and I'm pmsing.  All signs that this cycle was in fact either anovulation or an incredibly short luteal phase.  On this day last year I had just taken a negative pregnancy test after a 45 day cycle.  I remember calling in to work so that I could get a same day doctors appointment just for them to tell me, I may have been pregnant but obviously was not anymore.  I don't know what stings more, not ever having the feeling of a positive pregnancy test or if I had taken it a couple days sooner and then be let down if I was really pregnant.  Last year though, I didn't have as much emotion as I do right now.  At the time we had only been trying for 4 months.  

Today I'm going through the motions.  I'm grateful for everyone in my life who loves and wants to celebrate with me. I'm especially grateful for my husband who does everything within his power to make sure we're taken care of. Today is a reminder that (even though I'm "young") my body is failing me where most have no problems.  I ache. The kind that physically hurts that little gap between my heart and my stomach.  

Okay now I need to get a hold of myself at work.  

Every year since we've been together, my husband and I have agreed not to exchange gifts for Valentine's day or our anniversary.  Our anniversary is usually celebrated by taking a trip together or like last year, having a nice dinner. Valentine's day on the other hand is special in its own way.  Each year we pick a restaurant, pre-order our dinner and picnic on the living room floor.  

It's a sweet tradition of ours that I very much look forward to.  We're both such homebodies that the thought of braving crowds for an overpriced dinner does not appeal.  This year is of course no exception.  So Friday night, we're pulling out a blanket, some candles and rather than popping in a movie, we're talking about babies.  How romantical right?  

Since my mini breakdown, we agreed to finally sit down and talk about what each of us wants out of this process.  I'm mixed about it for the following reasons.  

• I will actually get Babe to talk about he wants to do should either of face real issues with our own fertility.  Testing, procedures, adoption, timelines, etc.  
• I will be able to do the same.
• This conversation really relies heavily on what current tests results show, what our doctors think we should do and insurance.  I know my husband and I know he won't want to talk too much about anything with so many unknowns.  I need to be assertive.  I need to be assertive.  
• This conversation I know will become very emotional for me.  I just know it and I'm dreading it. 

With that said, I really hope Valentine's day is as memorable for good reasons as the last 8 years has been.