7 weeks is a long time to stay silent.  It also makes for plenty of material to blog about.  But isn't that just like me, to be a ghost for months and come back with 10 different topics.  I'm sorry but it's been awhile since I've had a chance to come back here.

To start, April 24th is the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week according to Resolve.org.   Last year was the year I finally decided to reveal a little bit about our struggle on social media.  The outpouring of love and support was mind blowing.  Two months later, we were pregnant with our little Bean.  When you bring a little one home after sharing your struggles with infertility you tend to get a lot of mixed comments and questions.  One that is surprisingly naive is the fact that since we've gotten pregnant once, it will be much easier to get pregnant again.  People seem to think we're going to be the Duggard's now that the seal has been broken.  It's quite frustrating.

I'm in love with my beautiful daughter and can't imagine my life without her.  The struggle to conceive her was absolutely heartbreaking and real but I'm also of the mindset I wouldn't have it any other way.  But the reality is, should we decide to grow our family further, no one can predict the ease or difficulty of which we will have to deal with infertility again.  We may have overcome it this time by having once successful pregnancy, but there's no way of knowing if that will happen again.

So I'm trying to find a way to put that into words for NIAW.  Infertility was and always will be the road to have our baby girl and to pretend it wasn't is living a lie.  Not just for us but for every other man and woman struggling to build their family I feel NIAW will always be a way to shed awareness on the topic which is so near to my heart.

Now that our little Bean has arrived, I've done a lot to try to stay in tune with what my body is telling me. Getting sleep when it's needed, drinking plenty of water and just generally making sure to also take care of myself. One thing I never expected to happen go through is Post Partum Anxiety (PPA).

Night after night I'm stuck in my head fighting to go to sleep, pushing back horrible thoughts of accidents and dying. I'd known to pay attention to signs of PPD given my history but never even heard of PPA. 

This weekend I decided I couldn't deny something was wrong any longer. With the encouragement of DH I finally went to see my doctor today. I'm hoping with a combination of herbal supplements she recommended and seeing a therapist I can start to feel somewhat normal again. Time will tell but in the interim you might see me around these parts a little bit more channeling some of my anxiety through blogging.

I'm here.  I'm reading and I'm thinking about everything and everyone.  It's a touchy subject though being pregnant on an IF blog.  I don't know if avoiding is the right way to navigate this new world or if information is.  What I will say is I totally understand if dropping me from your regular list of blog reads is necessary to keep your sanity.  I've been there. What I've debated mostly is how to maintain this blog while staying true to the mission I had when I first started. Sharing the truth of my feelings and allowing myself a space to explore them.  I'm sorry if I hurt any feelings along the way and hope and pray that you're all not far behind me.  I've attempted to separate blog posts from IF to pregnancy with no luck.  I'll have to do some more digging because my Blogger dashboard isn't functioning properly for me.  In the meantime I will try to be as honest as possible while still being sensitive to anyone who may need it.  With that being said, I'm staying put.  

So this whole pregnancy after infertility is really screwing with my head.  My first HCG blood draw was 222 and 14dpIUI, my second a week later was 2607, his heartbeat was 117 bpm at 6 weeks and at that time was measuring just a couple days behind.  Those are all great numbers but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I'm happy, don't get me wrong.  I'm incredibly happy.  It just seems too good to be true.  The reality though is that our bean is extremely healthy and doing everything a baby bean should do.  What I need to do is keep thinking positive.  Keep appreciating all the good that has come from this.  There's nothing significant during this pregnancy that makes any of my doctor's think this is anything but a take home baby and all the worrying in the world won't make the outcome any different.  So my goal is to relish in the fact that life is growing inside me.  Hope for the best and enjoy every second of any discomfort I may be feeling.  Because in the end we have a miracle on the way.  

When I started approaching the year mark I thought I needed to educate myself more on my reproductive system and picked up the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler.  Although I may have been a bit naive at the time, it's still quite possibly the best resource out there on the topic.   When I came across this next blogger I was sold as soon as I saw that she also recommended it.  Lisa's blog post 10 Tips for Surviving Infertility at Amateur Nester, suggests that your first steps are to educate yourself.  The list is less about the hardships of infertility and more about taking taking care of yourself, enjoying yourself and paying attention to your partner.  Things that are so often lost when you're overcome with the stresses of infertility.  For those of us who are actually dealing with infertility, you can also use the information when thinking about distractions during the dreaded 2WW.  There are so many practical applications for this post and I challenge you use them in your everyday life.  

So for my final blog highlight, 10 Tips for Surviving Infertility on Amateur Nester, please click on the picture below.  

Regina is a woman after my own heart.  I am often left wondering, questioning and reevaluating past experiences but in my case often to a fault.  In Regina's post What If... I Said What I Was Thinking on her blog The Broken Brown Egg, she suggests what I consider on a regular basis, what if "I said the first things that came to my mind?"  Recently I opened up to my mom and sister about my diagnosis and asked for their suggestions on something.  I was shocked to hear my sister point out how many things E and I have to think about on a regular basis.  Afterwards I considered what the conversation would have been like if I always just spoke what was on my mind to her.  Not negatively but honestly.  Would that be the easiest way to awareness?  Or would she be more closed off to our struggle thinking I'm constantly complaining?  What I also like about this post is that it's very clear how much infertility consumes us sometimes, even when we don't realize it.  

I encourage you to click on the picture below to read the full blog post What If... I Said What I Was Thinking on The Broken Brown Egg.

Today's reblog comes from a guest post written by Katie on Katherine's blog Proverbs & Pacifiers called Dealing with Infertility: A Better Way To Talk About Not Having Babies.  So often we in the infertility community don't share our struggle because of the negative reactions we receive.  Although most reactions come from inexperience and not ill will, we're frequently left feeling hurt or anger towards that person or situation.  

Often when searching the word "infertility" the results will produce dozens of lists about what not to say to someone with infertility.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing but I personally appreciate it when  the suggestions have a positive twist to them.  Katie's post, as well as others I will be highlighting later this week, are some of the most articulate and compassionate out there.  When I first came across it I was reminded of all the times I may have unknowingly put my foot in my mouth during other uncomfortable topics of conversation.  It's what we do as humans.  However Katie reminds us that there is a way to talk about infertility and by educating yourself you may find that it's not what you say but how you say it that makes all the difference.

So please click on the picture below to read the full post Dealing with Infertility: A Better Way To Talk About Not Having Babies on Proverbs & Pacifiers.  

For the next few days of National Infertility Awareness Week I will be highlighting some of the blog posts I've come to reference.  Each of these is posted on my NIAW Pinterest board but they mean so much to me I thought I'd share them here as well.  Like I mentioned yesterday no matter how infertility affects you, there are resources.

Today's blog post belongs to Chris and Candace Wohl from Our Misconception.  Candace and Chris have bravely shared their story not only on their blog but also with the world on numerous outlets including MTV's True Life, where you watched with much emotion, their final attempt at IVF. Their post Resolve to Know More About Surviving Infertility made them the 2014 recipients of the Hope Award for Best Blog from Resolve.  This post is raw and heartfelt.  It's the life, the heart and the mind of what it's like to live the life of infertility.  As you read remember that there's a reason the Wohl's share their struggle with us.  They do it for the other 1 in 8 couples like them.  To bring awareness to our disease so that others can find or be support in a community that is so often hushed.

So without further ado, click on the picture below to read the complete post Resolve to Know More About Surviving Infertility on Our Misconception.  

I'm a little sad but mostly confused.  TB had a major fallout between me posting yesterday and going to check updates today.  For the past 9 months or so, it has been a small community I've been able to participate in.  To help get answers and support during this crazy IF struggle and to give support in return.  Last nights change banned a lot of regular users and put our board on radio silent for 24 hours.  After much searching, the only thing I could find were posts about the terms of use and a link to a pro-boards community.  

Interestingly enough, my last community on the Nest also had a mass exodus to pro-boards.  I stayed on it for a couple of years and even attended a few get togethers with local Knot and Nest members.  Unfortunately, the community vibe had changed over time and I decided it was my time to go.  So this morning when I created my new pro-boards account and found that any of my email addresses, which would be public knowledge, are all too identifying, I decided it was much too familiar.  

With that, I think for at least a short time, I'll be stepping away from the Bump.  Something I had never imagined would happen so suddenly.  I'm a little frightened that I may not be ready but for now that's what I've decided.  I hope I'm in a good enough place to navigate this by myself from now on.  I'm sure I'll reference old posts for questions.  For now though, my IF life will be condensed to this little old blog.  With so many changes on the horizon, I'm sure I'll have enough on my plate to distract me anyway.  

So any 3Ters out there, I wish you the best.  

I realize I'm posting less often than usual and I only slightly feel bad about that.  In the past couple of weeks we've had some busy times.  First off, we finally changed over to our new insurance and are working with my PCP to get an official referral for the RE.  We decided recently against Babe going through insurance for a repeat SA.  Because of this, we can essentially schedule it at any time.  Unfortunately my husband has decided that he would like to wait until he starts a new job at the beginning of February.  He believes that this will leave him less stressed than before and able to give a better sample.  Personally I think he'll find less time to do it in and be more stressed in the new job.  It's not worth the argument though.  He's already made so many changes to help with our success that I'm very grateful for.  

Speaking of changes, we both decided to eliminate something from our diets.  Since I always have a difficult time remembering not to drink soda, I've asked him to keep me accountable.  In return, he is no longer drinking beer and will drastically cut back on alcohol altogether.  I'm pretty excited about the change because I know it's not even that big of a deal for either of us.  I drink soda out of habit and I can definitely use less sugar and caffeine.  I've cut it from my diet before with no significant results so I'm not expecting too much.  It's just nice to know I'll be doing something healthy for myself.

Recently I mentioned that we were looking at puppies.  After a really emotional trip to a PetSmart adoption fair we've decided to wait just a couple of weeks.  We have a busy weekend coming up and to leave a puppy home alone 5 days a week then again on a weekend is just too cruel.  In the meantime, Babe and I have been mulling over pug and dachshund litters to adopt.  I'm looking forward to the addition it will be for our family.  Since I've never owned a dog let alone any pet we're both pretty nervous about it.  Thankfully I'm married to beast master Jr. 

With all of these little things happening in our life we've also decided to take on one more hurdle.  We're going to refinance our house!  Over the weekend we settled on a lender and are in the process of negotiating the interest rate. If it works out as planned, we'll be saving almost 2%  in interest PLUS be able to take out some cash for some much needed updates on our little home.  

So far it's a great start to a new year. 

Normally I don't post daily let alone more than one in a day.  Today however there's a lot on my mind and I didn't want to crowd it into one post.  

Last night I dreamt that Babe and I adopted a baby boy from the Dominican Republic.  It was a beautiful dream because I knew that my heart belonged in the Dominican just a little bit more now.  I remember being in love with this little boy and being anxious to see him grow up.  This morning when I woke up I told E about the dream.  He asked how I felt while it was happening.  The only thing I told him was that I felt bad our little boy had less of a chance to be a professional baseball player by coming back to the states.  Silly I know.  

This morning I did a little research about DR adoptions and as part of the requirements both parents have to be 30 or older and be married for 5 or more years.  I sent the link to E.  His response, "seems like it is lining up".  

It never occurred to me to consider adoption where we got married.  I'd always considered foreign adoption to be from Russia, China, Mexico, etc.  But what better place than where my heart is.  Something new and beautiful to consider.

I feel like I'm playing double dutch, or more accurately, I'm prepping to jump into the double dutch ropes.  Open enrollment begins with my company September 15th, less than one week from now. Until then my benefits office hasn't released any plan information. For Babe's employer, it doesn't begin until around October which is when mine ends. Sure there is probably room for changes should I need it, but that's the least of my worries.  

We've started to lean towards finding an RE prior to our coverage period should their financial department be able to help us choose.  With that information I've started to do research on RE's in the area and even those outside of it. Yesterday I contacted one about 30 minutes from my home who told me that an initial consultation would cost $150 without insurance coverage.  Today I read reviews on one in my own city that offers a free seminar with consultation. Both seem reputable and have great reviews on third party sites.  However the one in the I.E. would normally cost $300+ for an initial consultation leading me to believe that their costs are more than the other.  

Like this blog, my brain is taking me in so many different directions I'm not really sure which is the best decision.  For now, we've scheduled a free consultation at the I.E. RE's office for October 15th.  Which incidentally will be 2 years since we've stopped all birth control and the day before Babe's birthday.  

I'm starting to realize I'm not so good at blogging.  While I'm on my 4/40 schedule I'm already only posting 4 days a week.  Lately as you can probably tell it's been maybe a couple of times a week at most.  So I think, just like our IF life, I'm going to temporarily step away.  At least while there aren't constant updates to be made.  I still really want to use this as an IF journal but nothing is really happening on that front.  In the next month my company should be providing paperwork for open enrollment at which time we'll change at least my insurance carrier.  In the meantime, I'll try to check in every now and then with something other than the weekend play-by-play.