There are a lot of pregnancy symptom lists out there, I know, I'm on Pinterest too.  What gets me is how very little these symptoms are discussed even though some are so common.  I spent the first 30 weeks of my pregnancy questioning if there really was a little human growing inside of me.  No, not because I think I'm small and haven't gained any weight but because all the classic symptoms you hear about were nowhere near my experience.  Morning sickness for example, okay maybe I gagged a time or two when I was brushing my teeth but never did I have all day nausea and constant vomiting like other women experience.  Back pain, well my tailbone hurt a lot but then again I've always had that problem, pregnant or not.

So why would I complain that I wasn't feeling anything remotely pregnancy related?  Well I would soon find out that was not the case.

Vaginal Swelling aka Cheeseburger Crotch

Before becoming pregnant I scoured the internet for pregnancy symptoms and ran across a few random blogs that mentioned vaginal swelling, but of course when it actually happened to me I was at a loss.  My lady-bits were hurting like crazy and it was making me feel like I was going crazy.  Maybe it was just a fluke.  Let me tell you, it's not, and you're not going crazy.  The urge to stick an ice pack down your pants while you sit spread eagle on the bed is not in your head.

Other bloggers call it cheeseburger crotch which conjures up so many disturbing images that it really should be renamed.  Thankfully cheese or anything of that nature has nothing to do with it.  It's really more in line with the idea of feet and ankle swelling you hear so many pregnant ladies suffer from, just a little higher north.  The doctor doesn't seem to have a solution other than putting my feet up and waiting it out.  Although anyone who suggests you sit on it to put your feet up hasn't experienced it for themselves.  My only option is to therefore do just what sounds the funniest in my head, actually lay on my bed spread eagle with an ice pack down my pants.  Hey it works.

Round Ligament Pain (RLP)

This by far is one of the most common symptoms that until becoming pregnant myself, I had never once heard of.  So your body is clearly preparing for a couple of things, one is carrying life, another is bringing that life into the world and lastly sustaining that little being you worked so hard to carry. Without exaggeration, from day one your body is making room for baby by stretching in places it's never had to stretch before.  Your abdomen is clearly one of those places.

For me I could pinpoint RLP within a week of finding out we were expecting.  I'd had a had cold and as usual coughed sending lightening like pains to my lower abdomen and scaring the crap out of me.  Surprisingly RLP is so rarely talked about considering how prevalent it is.  Of course it causes a lot of worry when you have no idea why you're experiencing so much pain.  So first time moms, don't be surprised when these little joys start showing up.  

Blurred Vision

I have been wearing glasses for reading since the age of 12.  Progressively my eyes have gotten worse over the years but nothing compares to the changes I've experienced since becoming pregnant.  It took me a while to get to that point in my pregnancy books but when I finally did it all made sense.  Making a baby creates a lot of new hormones as expected and one of the side affects of that is blurry vision.  Of course there could be some serious causes of blurred vision so it's best to check with your doctor, but if you're like me it's nothing to worry about and will correct itself over time.  In the meantime I'm left squinting at the jumbotron at hockey games and forget about finding the puck.

Loose Ligaments and Joints

Along the lines of RLP, the rest of your body is preparing for the delivery of your new addition.  You may be noticing a little joint swelling, maybe a sore pelvis like me or how much easier it is to injure yourself or twist your ankle.  Your body is making room both in your abdomen and your pelvis for pregnancy and delivery and all of your ligaments become more loose as a result.  Although it's not for everyone, I've found that doing prenatal yoga has helped stretch me out a bit and deal with the discomfort of pelvic pain.  The fun part is this doesn't end as soon as we have our babies and I'm totally looking forward to my recovery (said no mom ever).  

So now that you've read one more blog about strange pregnancy symptoms, maybe you'll feel a little more normal knowing that you're not alone.  

One of my favorite times of the day is right before bedtime which I know will drive me insane when you're an outside baby.  But most nights between 10 and 11 at night, I get to host the most wonderful dance party in my stomach.  Some nights it lasts for just a couple of minutes before you, my little Bean, are quiet again and very rarely I don't feel you at all.

Last night though, daddy and I were up late after a long day celebrating Roxy's birthday, doing house work, shopping and then going to a hockey game.  Just as the night was winding down you decided it was time.  No music necessary, you gave us your best moves yet.  For nearly an hour I got to feel kicks, punches and jabs on nearly every part of my tummy.  But the best part of all was when daddy put his hand on you and got to feel it all too.  

See you don't generally move a lot for him.  Last night was different though and there you were showing us just how much we have to look forward to.  So little Bean, keep dancing because in 3 short months everything is going to change for our little family.  

With all my heart, 

I'm a failure.  And I don't even have a baby at home yet.

I feel like no matter what I do it will never be enough.  Everyday I wake up, take my medication, get ready for work and go to a job that pays the bills.  That's it.  It's not glamorous, it's not even rewarding, but it has incredible benefits and I know what I'm doing.  My green padded walls make the DMV look like Disneyland.  But I trek on.  Most weekdays I'm also researching for when our little one arrives.  Where are the best nurseries, are they affordable, is there a wait-list, do we need a tour? What crib, stroller, diapers are the best and most affordable?  What gestational diabetes meal plans are recommended while I wait for my referrals?  When should I start a birth plan and how?

Each day I have a decision to make.  I'm not hungry, no this pregnancy has all anti-symptoms, but I eat still.  Small portions so as not to feel sick and healthy to make sure my blood sugar is where it should be.  I do this for breakfast, lunch and dinner because I need to be healthier more now than I've ever been.  When I get home I try to get dinner started which I do about 80% of the time and again it's always fairly healthy.  Plus it's within budget so we can save money for childcare coming up soon.  I try to be active with my dog because I don't want her to be sad.  Sometimes that means going for a walk but I'll be honest it's not every day.  

Then there comes a time where we decide if we're doing housework any particular night.  Does the baby's room need furniture built, something need to be cleaned up, laundry washed and folded?  Am I demanding too much of my husband who needs down time of his own.  Maybe he should play video games, I'd rather be the one to put the changing table together anyways.  

Sometimes our week includes family get-togethers that last much longer than they should.  But remember I have no pregnancy symptoms so what do I have to complain about for walking all day or being out all night?  I'm told I need to milk being pregnant but I'm a fighter and am trying to do things as usual.  

Every weekend I've been attempting to a yoga class not only to stay healthy but for some me time.  Time I can shut off my phone and zone out.  It's only an hour but it helps.  Most weekends also include grocery shopping.  Remember to be healthy, remember to keep it cheap.  Then there's the endless shopping trips to prepare the house for baby and to complete our move-in.  I wanted both these things so I shouldn't complain.  And if I'm honest with myself I want to clean every weekend but it seems futile.  One minute the whole house is clean and the next it literally looks like a tornado has gone through our living room.  Then again there's more work that I should be doing.  I can't leave painting solely to my husband, what about helping out on the shelving in all the closets, rearranging furniture?  

This is life for everyone, everywhere.  I just wish sometimes someone would say "Thank you, you're doing a fabulous job".  Instead I'm left apologizing to the baby for not being healthy enough, being stressed, tired, angry and emotional. But I'm having the perfect pregnancy so no one should see all of that.

He's the size of a baseball hat!  Yes, that's right, no fruit sizing here.  A few months ago I came across this sizing chart comparing him to a toy soldier, a game boy and a baseball glove, all things E can relate to.  It's easier than saying he's the size of an heirloom tomato which vary in size and aren't an everyday food item in the DD household.  So this week, 21 weeks to be exact, our little bean is the size of a baseball cap and growing more and more each day.  

The kicks and the punches to my internal organs are at this moment a welcome treat that I get multiple times a day. I'm starting to notice what positions he either hates or loves because he's either ninja jabbing me to move or celebrating in his own little party.  And almost every morning when I wake up I linger just a few minutes longer in bed because like clockwork I receive one or two little stretches that say good morning and start my day off in ways I never imagined.  

Roxy I think is starting to notice the difference.  She's realizing lately that if she wants to cuddle the only way that can be accomplished is if I'm laying on my side on the couch and she lays/sleeps behind me.  There's no longer enough room in front of me for both her and the baby.  

Preparation for the baby's arrival is well under way and I'm starting to understand how much work is really involved. We've started our search for a day care facility since I will have to go back to work when Bean is 4 months.  It's really been an eye opener looking at the cost and comparisons of each.  Don't forget the need for you to be on a waiting list for some and requirement to take a tour for others.  Thankfully Babe is most worried about child care so he's willing to do a little extra work in this area.  

I've also begun researching registry items and asking friends their loves and hates.  It's great when you find a friend who has very similar ideas about what is needed and what isn't.  Remember E's cousin N I wrote about at the beginning of my blog.  Well she's pregnant with her second right now and she's been a great resource.  The bonus is her and her husband research the heck out of things just like we do and she's been sharing a lot of her resources with us at the same time not being too pushy.  It's been so helpful.  

And since we're in the new home we can finally start working on the nursery!  Babe and I finished painting the walls light gray and finally decided on a theme if you will.  We're going to decorate it with the circus in mind.  Pinterest has some of the cutest ideas that will help bring our vision to life and made it easier for us to both be on the same page. Hopefully my expectations aren't too high and I can get all of these done like this elephant mural that's too darn adorable and reminds me of Jumbo and Dumbo, this fun take on barrel of monkeys, this bright painted banner to bring a little extra color to the room and lastly this super cute homemade felt circus mobile.  Now that I write that all out I'm not so sure 4 months is enough to get through them all.

All that going on but the most exciting of all is the classes we've already scheduled.  We're planners and so it was awesome that our hospital not only recommended what time frame we should do them in but also allowed us to schedule them as far out as September.  So on the calendar already is our hospital tour so we can start to visualize exactly where everything is going to happen.  Then we have a 5 week labor class to help me and Babe plan for unmedicated labor.  And lastly is our infant/child CPR class.  We should probably do a refresher for adults too but at least we'll have one in the books for the littlest one in our life.  

Looking at this list I'm so thankful one of my symptoms hasn't been fatigue.  It's all so overwhelming but I know in the end it'll be such a huge payoff.  Now keep cooking little bean while we get everything ready for you.

I've been pretty lucky.  This pregnancy has been what everyone hopes for - lack of morning sickness, normal energy, no cravings or food aversions causing little to no weight gain, and overall a lot of feeling normal.  The most important part of it has been that Baby Bean is healthy and has passed every test thrown his way.  So if the worst pregnancy is a sucky doctor at today's appointment I will count myself blessed.  

Today we saw the perinatologist for my anatomy scan.  For those who don't know, they are the doctors who perform certain genetic tests as well as work with high risk patients.  I am considered both which I'm still having a hard time grasping.  Despite my feelings about the subject, the point to all of this is to make sure Bean is being taken care of and I would do everything in my power to make sure that's the case.  The appointment started off pretty typical for that office so my husband and I weren't surprised when the nurses scolded me for not having all the answers to their questions and being generally unfriendly.  I answered what I could and wrote it off as all being worth it to spend an hour or so watching my baby.  

We were then escorted to a room where the nurse began the ultrasound and taking pictures of the most obscure angles.  But then again I got pictures and I should be thankful so that's not even the worst.  Once pictures were handed over the nurse indicated that the doctor was not in the office yet and that as soon as she arrived we would be seen again to complete the ultrasound.  My mom who joined us for the appointment, my husband and I all looked at each other with confused looks on our faces.  Thirty minutes later the doctor arrived introducing herself and immediately began to berate me for not having brought my blood sugar monitor or logs in with me.  When asked what my fasting levels were I genuinely did not have an answer for her, not one that I was secure enough in knowing that I would have wanted to share at least.  So I said I didn't know thinking it would save me from the harsh words that were being thrown at me.  I was very wrong.  The doctor continued to list all of the many complications that could derive from poorly managed blood sugar including miscarriage, excessive or under weight, complications giving birth, etc.  I explained that my OB and I had already made a plan and that I would be working with them.  She did not like this answer and accused me of being antagonistic to which I was explained that I was tired of being lectured about something that isn't even an issue.  My blood sugar is managed and no one has seen any cause for concern including her.  At that point I was dumbfounded and all but completely shut down.  I was waiting for Babe or my mom to speak up but because both were silent I assumed that what the doctor was telling me about my attitude must be true.  So instead I stayed silent waiting the doctor out until I could see my sweet baby again.  

By that point the doctor clearly did not want me there any longer than necessary.  She rushed through what I've been told was the most exciting ultrasound of my pregnancy and said very little to any of us.  When she was done she said that everything about the baby's anatomy looked good and allowed me to clean myself up.  She broke the silence by telling me I had been snarky and that I obviously didn't want their help.  According to her, since I was refusing to be seen by their office any longer, I needed to sign a form titled "What Diabetes Does To My Baby" listing every possible outcome mismanaged diabetes could cause.  I spent the next few minutes trying to compose myself in the restroom while my family waited for me outside.  Wanting so much to tell the doctor off and knowing that no matter what I said it would not be heard.  I would be brushed off as having a bruised ego or being contemptuous.  Instead I met my husband in the waiting room where he and my mom were discussing what I thought I was making up in my own head.  

What I couldn't understand was how I went from not knowing all the answers, which I was never told to prepare for since I thought this appointment was simply an anatomy scan, to basically killing my baby with my poor diet and high blood sugar.  Why she would leap to such conclusions and add insult to injury by not just insinuating, but accusing me of having an attitude that I clearly didn't have, is beside me.  I left feeling cheated of having the experience many have said is quite possibly the best appointment you'll have your entire pregnancy.  I just wish I hadn't felt so alone in that room where 3 other people witnessed what happened.  Had I known I wasn't the only one who thought she was so incredibly rude I might have stood up for myself.  But again, the most important thing is that our baby is safe, healthy and incredibly loved.  

On a brighter note I think I know what we're having.  Babe wants me to divulge but I'm keeping it to myself for now. We'll see when he or she graces us with their presence in 20 more weeks!  

It's been so long and so much has happened since my last post.  We got to see baby bean again and he's doing so perfect. My OB actually said it was a perfect pregnancy which was so great to hear a couple of very frustrating appointments and a worrisome mama.  By the end of this month we'll be able to see him another two times, once for a standard appointment and another for my anatomy scan at the perinatologists.  Of course with every new appointment comes the added stress that they'll find something wrong followed by the relief that all is okay.  I'm trying to take one appointment at a time and relish in the fact that I have a healthy baby growing inside of me that will join us in just 5 months time.

Aside from baby we've been incredibly busy now that we're new home owners again!  Our houses closed on the 25th and 26th and we were finally able to move on the 3rd.  Thankfully Babe was understanding enough with both our health that we hired movers making it the most boring moving day ever.  I'm so not used to that.  But 10 hours later and Babe and I were on, unpacking boxes and making this new home ours.  It's been 5 days and we're doing pretty well with the transition.  Babe by the way is a rockstar when it comes to home maintenance and I never know why I'm so surprised.  It also bugs him that I am, sorry Babe, I don't mean to have little faith.  It's just, that man can locate just about any problem, pick up a tool and with only a handful of curse words and a trip or two to Home Depot have it fixed in no time.  He's definitely taking on the lion-share of housework/unpacking without one complaint after I ended up with swollen ankles and belly pain over the weekend.  

And now that we've completed that hurdle, I've been taken off of the baby related purchase ban.  Babe actually started it off by suggesting we stop off at the bookstore on the way home one day.  He said he needed a how-to book for the house and suggested I look around for a new read for myself.  Instead I walked to the very back of the bookstore to the children's section and set out to look for "My I Love You".  Five seconds later E strolls to the same section to look for the exact same book, the real reason he wanted to stop.  Of course I always ruin surprises and this was no different.  Except that both baby beans mommy and daddy had the same idea for his first baby item and it was still such a sweet surprise.

With that I'll leave you with two of my favorite pictures from this weekend.  The first is our new killer view from the back of the house and the second is the master bedroom accent wall which just happened to match my nail polish.  I swear it wasn't planned.