I'm here.  I'm reading and I'm thinking about everything and everyone.  It's a touchy subject though being pregnant on an IF blog.  I don't know if avoiding is the right way to navigate this new world or if information is.  What I will say is I totally understand if dropping me from your regular list of blog reads is necessary to keep your sanity.  I've been there. What I've debated mostly is how to maintain this blog while staying true to the mission I had when I first started. Sharing the truth of my feelings and allowing myself a space to explore them.  I'm sorry if I hurt any feelings along the way and hope and pray that you're all not far behind me.  I've attempted to separate blog posts from IF to pregnancy with no luck.  I'll have to do some more digging because my Blogger dashboard isn't functioning properly for me.  In the meantime I will try to be as honest as possible while still being sensitive to anyone who may need it.  With that being said, I'm staying put.  

So this whole pregnancy after infertility is really screwing with my head.  My first HCG blood draw was 222 and 14dpIUI, my second a week later was 2607, his heartbeat was 117 bpm at 6 weeks and at that time was measuring just a couple days behind.  Those are all great numbers but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I'm happy, don't get me wrong.  I'm incredibly happy.  It just seems too good to be true.  The reality though is that our bean is extremely healthy and doing everything a baby bean should do.  What I need to do is keep thinking positive.  Keep appreciating all the good that has come from this.  There's nothing significant during this pregnancy that makes any of my doctor's think this is anything but a take home baby and all the worrying in the world won't make the outcome any different.  So my goal is to relish in the fact that life is growing inside me.  Hope for the best and enjoy every second of any discomfort I may be feeling.  Because in the end we have a miracle on the way.  

I've been dreaming about writing this post from the day I began blogging.  What would I say?  How could I, knowing the struggles of dealing with IF, tread lightly?  And really there's no one perfect answer.  What I do know is this, there will be some people that are happy for us and others who may not be and that's okay.  I've been and am still there sometimes and everyone is entitled to their feelings.  

So without further adieu, Babe and I are happy to announce WE'RE HAVING A BABY!

You've all read the nitty gritty about our struggles and what it took to get here.  It was long, weary and so very painful but in the end it's paid off.  On Thursday, the 11th I was awake from 1-4 with either really massive morning sickness or bad Mexican food.  As the morning wore on and I became more delirious I was convinced it couldn't be anything else but me being pregnant and every now and then coming to my senses that we had only a 5% chance to conceive this cycle.  I had always planned on testing in the morning but told Eric I wouldn't test until we were at home together that evening.  So after a couple hours of fitful sleep I finally drug myself into the restroom armed with one First Response and one digital pregnancy test.  In seconds I could see the first line start to pink.  The first line!  The left one!  The one that never turns pink.  To make sure my eyes weren't playing any tricks I quickly dipped the digital test in my cup and began to cry.  It turns out 5% was all we needed.  

To keep the illusion up I quickly got dressed for work and told Babe I had a lot of work and was going in early.  I kissed him goodbye in his oblivious state and went on my way.  After calling the RE to schedule my beta test I ran down to the nearest lab and had my blood drawn.  Then on my way back into work stopped by Target for a "Daddy Loves Me" onsie and early Father's Day card.  The rest of the day was spent in a blur.  But around 2:00 my RE's office called me back.  I was definitely pregnant with a HCG of 222 and progesterone between 50 and 60.  

By the end of the day I'd hoped that Babe would be late as usual, just this once.  Instead he called me at precisely 5:00 to say he wasn't going to miss me peeing on a stick.  After convincing him that we needed to get some yardwork/housework done before the sun went down and that once we were relaxed I would do the deed, he finally left me alone for a few minutes giving me the chance to do what I'd been planning all along.  After about 5 minutes I called him in the house to say that the paint we'd purchased looked a little funny on the new wall and could he take a look.  He stepped one foot in the room and couldn't believe what he was seeing.

It's been a whirlwind weekend since then telling our parents and siblings.  Everyone has been excited that there's finally a little DD baby coming along knowing our struggles to bring him here.  I only hope that the next nine months are as boring as possible so we can bring the little bean home.  

I'm on the other side today and yet nothing feels different.  It all started Tuesday when I had my second ultrasound to see how I'd responded to the Letrozole.  Apparently pretty well.  I had two follicles growing nicely, the one on my right side was 19 mm and the one on my left was 17.5 mm.  Also my uterine lining was thickening on target and by CD 13 it was 9 mm.  So my doctor's office administered my trigger shot and sent me on my way with instructions to come back the next two days.  

Day one I was a ball of nerves.  Even though my appointment wasn't until 10:30 I woke up to take my temp at the usual time of 6:30 and wasn't even close to going back to sleep.  I spent the rest of the morning puttering around the house getting ready for our realtor and trying to distract myself.  We left the house at 8:45 to drop off Babe's sample and decided to go to breakfast while we waited for my appointment.  It started off as usual, with an ultrasound to see how everything was progressing followed by some pressure while the speculum and catheter were being positioned. A few short minutes later and the procedure was over.  Babe and I stayed in the room for about 10 more minutes joking and laughing until we were finally released.  E had to go to work in the afternoon so I spent much of the day lounging around and napping on and off.  It was awesome.  And other than cramping before bed, it was pretty much a breeze.

Day two was pretty much a repeat but I felt less anxious.  This time when I arrived no ultrasound was needed.  Instead it was just a couple of minutes and way less uncomfortable.  After the 10 minutes we were asked to speak to the nurse who gave us instructions for my Progesterone tablets and the go-ahead to test on the 11th.  We left the office feeling happy and hopeful.  Since it was so much later and neither of us were expected back at work, we decided to take in a matinee before dinner.  

Overall I feel good about the IUI's and am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.  After all, the 11th isn't too far away is it?

It's been so long but I'm back.  Is it me causing drama or do I really just have this bad of luck with doctors.  I start off loving them one minute and the next I'm arguing with them about one thing or another.  Over the last couple of months I had been emailing my nurse and occasionally the head nurse and financial consultant back and forth preparing for our IUI.  We'd stumbled a bit with them over some lab work but thought we had it all taken care of.  We even suggested that due to all the issues we have been encountering that maybe E and I should have a meeting with them before CD1.  My nurse said that everything was taken care of and so as idiots we believed her and didn't push it.  

Then on the day I started my period, by the way the most excited I've ever been to start my period, I gave them a call as they requested.  All I needed to do was set up an ultrasound appointment between days 2-4 to get a baseline of my uterine lining and my follicles.  Instead my nurse immediately starts the conversation by asking if I'd received authorization from my insurance company because it wasn't on file with them.  Apparently they had a note in my file that I needed to contact them two weeks prior to CD1 to get the ball rolling on it.  Strike 1.  Also they didn't have any time on day 2 and were closed days 3 & 4 so we'd need to make the appointment day 1 even though they stressed the importance of days 2-4.  Strike 1.1.  I was transferred to the head nurse after arguing with her about it.  Head nurse proceeds to tell me that because I haven't submitted for an authorization and because their office is currently under construction (Strike 2) they'd prefer to put me on birth control (BCP) so I go into a holding pattern.  For those unfamiliar with the process, BCP will basically put my body back on day one as soon as I get off of them.  That way we don't have to wait a full cycle, we could essentially restart my period in a week or two if necessary.  But since my body took years to readjust after getting off the pill, I didn't want to start them up again.  I was basically hitting a brick wall with my RE's office.  Eventually I was transferred to my actual RE who reiterated what the others were saying and after talking over me a few times finally listened to the fact that it wasn't me who dropped the ball.  We'd hung up with the promise of a call to come.

I then proceeded to call Babe in tears.  Neither of us could remember any emails aside from the handful from me begging please tell me if "there anything else that needs to be done before CD1".  Babe was furious and it took quite a bit of coaxing on my part for him not to call the RE himself.  Instead while I waited I did some research of my own.  I called my insurance and medical group and confirmed that I could not have possibly put in a request for authorization on my own as they had suggested.  I also found out that in that time, 20 minutes, my RE's office had put it in themselves for the very first time.  Then the call came.  The head nurse was calling to ask if I'd made a decision on the BCP's.  Thankfully I'd had some time to process everything and cool off.  Even though I was angry still, no longer was I emotional.  I asked her if she was aware I had been in contact with my nurse since March.  She responded that yes she was aware I had contacted them about my botched bloodwork.  No, not just the blood work.  I had literally been asking time after time if there was anything else that needed to be done before we started.  I explained that if anyone in their organization knew how disorganized their office had been with my case they would be embarrassed.  I also explained because of that I felt that they should take responsibility.  She believed that putting me on BCP was taking responsibility.  I disagreed.  Instead I asked that while the authorization was outstanding, they needed to proceed with the cycle and foot the bill until insurance came back one way or the other.  She hesitated and said it wasn't her call to which I requested to speak to the person who could make the call.  Our conversation finally ended after I was able to get an appointment for day 2 and with an agreement that my appointments would be taken care of until insurance responded.  Score me!

At this point we've already dedicated 7 months to their organization and have a plan in place.  I was too determined to let more time and money waste away while they got their act together.  If this cycle fails though, Babe and I will probably have to have a come to Jesus conversation about choosing a new RE for future cycles.  My hope is that we've seen the last of their incompetence.  Even more than that, I hope we don't have to proceed with any future cycles at all.