My dreams have always been strange or somewhat prophetic.  Here's hoping last nights was the latter.  I had a wonderful dream about two hunky men, one of which was John Krasinski.  If you aren't lucky enough to know who John Krasinski is...

This is John.  He is beautiful.

And since I have nothing else of interest to share with you this fine day, I'll instead leave you with more pictures of this fine man.  Happy Tuesday.

You think if I look at this one enough I'll be able to dream about JGL?

Friday night brought with it a little bit of extra hope.  Since leaving my old Primary Care Physician I've done everything within my power to research up the wazoo.  I changed groups/practices, picked an OB/Gyn, requested medical records for Babe and myself, and requested the billing codes that are associated with infertility from the insurance company.  Well in Friday's mail was a 30 page document from Cigna explaining what is covered and what is not with my insurance.  Sure enough all of the initial testing I want to have done is all covered by insurance.  There are no words to describe the relief I felt at that moment.  Something so insignificant to most people seriously just gave us both a little more hope.

Every year we're busy almost every weekend from Thanksgiving until about June, with only a little lull in April.  This weekend was no exception.  Saturday night was a surprise 40th anniversary celebration of N's parents and Sunday of course was Super Bowl.  The anniversary was your run of the mill family gathering just catching up with extended family that we don't always see.  When N and her husband arrived I could tell something was different.  My suspicions were confirmed when N's husband finished his speech by saying that he and N would be having a baby of their own soon.  :::Insert jaw drop:::.  I knew it!  N, who had suffered from PCOS and began trying to conceive shortly after us, was just about to see a fertility specialist when her HSG apparently worked!

The announcement as you can guess was a little bitter-sweet for me.  I cried for her when it was announced, something I almost never do in public.  Then I took a walk because the flood gates had opened.  No I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, that wasn't it.  I really was happy for her and crying so much probably would have been hard to explain to everyone.  I just felt like I needed a little privacy and didn't want to look like a fool.  On the way back to the car that night there was a bit of an elephant between Babe and I.  My husband is incredibly supportive, I just tend to keep my emotions to myself a lot of times so when he sees me get that way I know he thinks he needs to fix something.  He's a problem solver.  We talked a little bit about N's announcement and he quietly added that he was sorry we weren't in the same place.  The rest of the ride home we continued the conversation about insurance, etc. It was great to hear him address it though.  Not just pretend it didn't mean something to us too.

Then on Sunday we had planned on barbecuing with my friend and her husband for the game.  I figured we wouldn't be the only ones there so no biggy.  When we arrived there was one other couple and another girl.  I kid you not, one had a two year old little boy (who by the way was ridiculously adorable) and both were obviously expecting and soon by the looks of it.  Thankfully our mutual friend doesn't have kids of her own yet so it was nice to just catch up.  Of course every once in a while the subject turned to baby showers, labor, one of their friend who just had their baby two days before and another one who just found out she was pregnant.  So when I say I'm surrounded by babies and pregnancy, I am sooo not kidding.

Finally today was my first appointment with my new PCP.  My new group requires that you at least get established once with your PCP prior to seeing an OB/Gyn even though you don't need a referral.  No problem.  So I arrived at my appointment armed with what little records I have from my last PCP, the beautiful insurance documents I received on Friday and my charts.  I looked a little crazy but who knows what they would have wanted.  My first appointment was basically a means to an end.  On short notice I was only able to meet with the Nurse Practitioner who I actually really liked.  She confirmed that all I really needed to do was get an initial referral and didn't waste too much of either of our time.  Another great thing I loved about this office is once I get my first referral in the system, I will never need to wait weeks for another one again.

If there's anything this weekend proved, was that I can't always escape situations like these but I can make the best of them.  What could have been a bad weekend was sprinkled with hope for Babe and I.  I pray that someday that hope becomes a reality for us.

You know when you get a new car you start to notice how many of the same model are on the road already.  You can pick them out in traffic, especially ones of the same color.  That's a little taste of an IF's brain.  When you're consumed or obsessed with babies you start to see pregnancy and little babies everywhere you look.  It's not our fault though, it just happens.  We're not looking for babies so we can start feeling bad for ourselves.

I feel like 2013 was the year of babies in my life and surprisingly or not surprisingly, I'm happy about it.  I'm happy that this year my sister and Babe's brother will both have little ones that we can spoil rotten.  I'm happy that Babe's other cousin is having their first after trying for so long.  And I'm even happy for my cousin adding another little one to her dysfunctional brood of boys.  I must admit though, not all of these announcements were easy to digest.

We were barbecuing at my brother-in-law's house when they handed us a book from our other nephew titled "I'm Going to be a Big Brother".  My instant reaction was nothing but pure joy.  Since this was the first baby announcement we'd experienced since we started trying, I'm so happy that was my response.  To be honest, I wasn't sure it would have been.  Though I must admit I snuck home to grab my swim suit and to shed a few tears.  The announcement came five months after suffering what we think was a non-viable pregnancy.  Then when my sister called me two months after with her news, I could tell she was nervous and a little bit sad to be sharing knowing our struggles. That part made me so sad for her.  Baby news is something every woman should relish in.  I wanted her to be excited and I was and am truly ecstatic for her.  Then there was Babe's cousin (the brother of N).  Knowing they had struggled to become parents as well made the news sweeter to hear.  In the same breath though, I wondered if it would be hard for N to digest.  I know she would probably feel the same emotions I was, happiness with a little pang of "that should could have been me".

So 2014 begins with sprinkles and showers of all kinds and the anticipation of a little nephew & niece I want nothing more than to hold and love.  But I can't help but wish I could be part of the anticipation.  Someday, one day, maybe...

Journaling is what I really need.  But I've never been much for writing my thoughts down in that way.  Typing is faster and quicker to erase (before it's published).  So here it goes... 

Last night I had a dream that babe's cousin N and I sat down to talk about our own fertility struggles.  Every time I see her, I praise God that someone I know understands what we're going through and feel so guilty in the same breath that she's going through it too.  In my dream it felt so good to talk to her.  It was so realistic and just what I needed because I literally felt my shoulders relax and my stress vanish.  Then my husbands alarm went off and I sighed and woke up.  N's situation is a little bit different than ours, she has a diagnosis and a plan from her doctors.  That doesn't make what she's going through any easier though.  In fact, I find myself praying for her more often than I pray for us.  This is just one of the things that consumes my mind these days.  

So what's happened in the past 16 months?  I must admit I was pretty naive about everything pregnancy related.  After about 6 months I started using Ovulation Predictor Kits or OPK's which showed nothing out of the ordinary.  At 9 months I read the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Welschler.  It's a book I recommend to every woman regardless of what stage of life they're in.  As we approached the dreaded one year mark, I decided two things.  1) Although I wanted to be a mother, I was okay with being blessed by children in almost any fashion; and 2) I don't think that includes In Vitro Fertilization commonly referred to as IVF or any other high cost procedures.  Because of this, my original thought process was that if it doesn't happen naturally, we'll look into adoption.  It seemed like something Babe was on board for and I above all wanted to make him happy and not be too sappy.  Then one fateful day I overheard N talking to another family member about her own fertility struggles.  I reached out to her and her story weighed heavily on me.  Although I was still okay with no outrageously expensive procedures, I owed it to myself to dig deeper and see if there were any underlying issues.

So we started 12 months with me charting and Babe doing a semen analysis.  I've been charting now for 3 cycles and what started off as text book has quickly become my standard of "my body is fucked up".  It's a saying that even my husband uses all in love of course.  The doctor's office was none too helpful since Babe did the semen analysis. I'll spare you the drama with their office and just say that when it all came down to it they couldn't read the results to him.  Not sure if that's normal or not but we're at a standstill now.  

A year & 4 months later and I finally feel like I could be going somewhere.  Monday I'm going to visit my brand new PCP with hopes that I'll finally get a referral to an OB/Gyn.  Sad huh.  There are a few things I want to talk to them about.  The first is of course to get Babe's SA professionally read.  Is it good (I think it is)?  Does he need to make any changes, supplements, etc.?  If that's our only hurdle I'd count us lucky.  I'm certain it's not though so I also want to discuss doing a hysterosalpingogram, also known as an HSG, to see if there are any blockages.  Lastly I want to discuss the possibility of Endometriosis.  In all of my research, I realized that I have most of the symptoms associated with it.  Hopefully she won't be too put-off by me doing my research on the internet.  I've had past experiences where my doctor has misdiagnosed me for looong periods of time only for me to figure it out with a quick internet search and been right.  We have to be our own advocates right!

The last 16 months, much like this post, has been a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions.  I try hard not to let them escape and control what little I have of them.  It's not easy but I've always considered myself a tough one.  I had been batting the idea of a blog around in my head and last nights dream solidified it.  My hope is that typing these posts help me make sense of all that's going on in my head.  Good luck following.